| 'The Men's Room' announcer: |
The show for men by men. In The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Go away or I'll punch you in the freaking liver! |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Excuse me, the men's room is occupied. |
| 'The Men's Room' announcer: |
And now for your hosts, Bas Rutten and Jeremy St. Ives. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Wooooooooooooo! Hahahah! Hey! What up man? Wei... Ay good to see you. Good to see you. Alright, hi everybody. My name is Bas Rutten. |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
And I'm Jer— |
| Bas Rutten: |
And welcome to The Men's Room. |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Yeah, where men can hang out, and— |
| Bas Rutten: |
OK, now tonight in the Men's Room we're going to get personal. On this show, we're going to be discussing a lot of aspects of health. Especially how to endanger the health of others, with— Others. Not me. Others. Now, we've got relationship advice like – how to avoid bruising the face. We're going to take some calls advising women on how to deal with their men. But, that's pretty easy, right? I mean it's just a thing that you need to do. It's a kick to the groin. Right there! And when your body connects with the reproductive organs of another man, let me tell you buddy, it's pain and beauty. Also, we have a special and we call that special – the cubicle, the copier and stabbing a coworker in the eye with a little pencil. |
| Bas does a stabbing motion toward Jeremy's eye while doing blood splatter sounds. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Like this. Look at the blood, look at the blood, look at the blood. This is going to be an unbelievable show. |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Mhm. And I'm gonna be discussing rectal marital aids. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Oh shut up. First off, I want to talk to you about a second to learn... See if I can teach you how to understand your anger. Now, anger is the death of so many men. Heart problems, health problems, baldness, impotence. Waking up in the middle of the night with your hands covered in blood, and you have no idea what happened. Listen, I've been around. ANGER – it's a four letter word and, boy, does that bring you down. Channel that anger into something positive. Like beating the SHIT out of little guys. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Pah! Pah! Pah! |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
No Bas, no. That's... That's not nice. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Hey listen, we all hated to be ignored, right? Some people try yoga, or putting neon under their car, whatever that does, but getting the point across in this life is easier than you think. (Bas does punching motions toward Jeremy while shouting "Doonk, Doonk, Doom") Just like that. Are you listening sir now? Are you listening? Do you see me now? I bet you he is going to see. You want to get manhandled? (Bas does punching motions toward the camera while shouting "Buck! Bluck! Bluck!") This usually works for me. What about you? |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Man! You are really pent up! |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
You know, you should try some aromatherapy. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Hey listen. The only aroma that I like is the smell of burning flesh. (Bas does sounds of burning flesh with his mouth) understand? Take the other day. I was walking, talking to a friend of mine on the phone, long time ago. He was telling me how he lacked the respect and attention from the fellow school teachers in school. Now... What do you do? If you don't get respect? Okay, so I told him, the way you get a man's attention is by doing the unexpected. (Bas does a punch motion toward Jeremy while shouting "BAA!") Just like that. You see? it works with him, works for you. You know, you walk down the street all nice, (Bas whistles) and looky look, what do we have here Oooo, it's a lamp post. Oooo, this is your head. (Bas does smashing head motions toward the abstract lamp post while saying "Kshhh, Shhh, Tshhh") I smash you lamp post against it. You like that? Do you see me now? Huh? Do you see me now? Okay, I think now in his teachers' lounge, trust me, those people there, they'll know he's around. Nobody will ignore him any more. And if a woman walks by, the only thing you need to do, *huit*(Bas does a motion as if he exposed himself) whip it out and say, "What are we going to do about this?" I'm telling you, people cower under their desks when he's nearby. Man, it's much better. |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Yeah... charmed, I'm— I'm sure. Hey Bas, I think we need to take a commercial break. |
| 'The Men's Room' announcer: |
We'll be back in The Men's Room. Remember – don't tap your foot under the stall. |
| 'The Men's Room' pauses for a commercial break. |
| 911 Dispatcher: |
911, what is your emergency? |
| Caller: |
Ahhh, I think my heart stopped!! The left side of my face has gone numb! |
| 911 Dispatcher: |
Are you calling from Burger Shot? |
| Burger Shot commercial narrator: |
The Heart Stopper! The all new tower of a meal at Burger Shot! It's the 6 pound burger you can't live without! The Heart Stopper; seven patties, six pounds of meat and cheese! You'll be flatlined in five seconds flat! (*flatline sfx*) |
| Caller: |
Mmmmm... This is a fucking good burger. |
| Burger Shot commercial narrator: |
Drive in – take out. Burger Shot! Die with a smile on your face! |
| *countdown from 76 to 72 followed by an explosion while the following line plays. |
| '72' commercial narrator: |
It's back. The groundbreaking formulaic cliffhanger – '72'. |
| '72' commercial narrator: |
Can Judd Parker save the world from terrorists by staying up for three days and torturing every person of color he can find? I hope so. The cliffhanger begins soon – only on Weazel. |
| commercial break ends – 'The Men's Room' continues. |
| 'The Men's Room' announcer: |
And now... we're back in the place where your Mom's phone number is scrawled in the stall –The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy! |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Who's on line three? |
| Mike: |
Yeah. Hey, am I on? This is Mike. |
| Bas Rutten: |
What's up, Mike? |
| Mike: |
I tell you what, Bas. My boy Jeff, he is your number one fan. Sure he's in the joint right now but he will be out in a couple of years. Man, you really put a lot of great advice in your show. |
| Mike continues talking. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Thank you. Thank you. |
| Mike: |
I mean it. You know— |
| Mike: |
You got to put yourself first or people will put you second, you know? I mean, history has some great examples of that. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Thanks Mike and thanks Jeff. Now, a lot of people in the joint should learn from my advice. You are the boss or you are the bitch. |
| Bas Rutten: |
That is the name of my next book. I don't believe in an eye for an eye. Oh no. Because Bas believes in an eye for two eyes, or better yet, an eye for two eyes, and an ear, and a spleen, and maybe a new shirt because this one is covered in entrails. HIYA!!! TAKE THAT! WHO WANTS TO KNIFE FIGHT WITH ME IN THE AUDIENCE?! WHO WANTS TO KNIFE FIGHT— |
| Jeremy is trying to calm Bas down. |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Bas. |
| Bas Rutten: |
IN THE AUDIENCE?! |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Bas. You sound REALLY constipated. You know, I had a colon cleansing. It was really fantastic. Man, I had so much fecal matter impacted inside of me, ugh, it was such a drag. |
| Bas Rutten: |
I tell you what Bas says will clean you right out – a nail gun. Bam! Bam! Bam! And then I grab a circular saw, and then I cut off your arm. Just like this. |
| Bas grabs Jeremy's arm and does sawing motions. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Eueneugheughew. |
| Bas Rutten: |
And I start hitting with the wet part of the arm! I'm on a construction motif right now. Okay, let's go to the phones. |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
So, who's on line five? |
| Jack: |
Hey man, my name's Jack. I'm a big fan of the show since you came back on air. |
| Jack: |
I have a question. Is cybersex cheating? Like, I've got a video camera up to my junk and I'm in a chat room all lubed up. All my online friends say my junk looks amazing! My hobby doesn't hurt anyone, but my wife's divorcing me! |
| Bas Rutten: |
I tell you, I hate the Internets. It's for cats and pedophiles, and it's for girly men who want to trick Bas. And let me tell you. It's not like real life. |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
I LOVE my-online-me.com. You know, you can really get in touch with yourself by building a little virtual character and building him a house and, making him go to the bathroom and, watching him sleep. |
| Bas Rutten: |
You know what – I hate it. That's what I do: I walked up to the people in virtual reality and I can't break their legs. What good is virtual reality if you can't maim people? Hahahah, It's bullshit! You know what this is Jeremy? |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
What's that? That's toilet paper. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Absolutely right. You have to realize that everything around you is a weapon. |
| Bas Rutten: |
Toilet paper, spoons, a hacksaw. If you are in a lot of trouble, you have real ultimate power. Listen and you will learn. Now, let me tell you, I've been around. I was in a bar once and I said something to this drag queen, and she kicked me in the nuts. Can you believe that? Now listen, I don't take shit from nobody, especially a man who dresses as a woman. So I grab her by the fucking hair and I bash her head. |
| Bas does punching motions towards the ground while saying "Doosh. Doosh. Doosh." |
| Bas Rutten: |
Okay, who's in charge now, huh? So, suddenly this guy comes out and he attacks me. I grab a beer bottle and POW break it on the table, stab it in his face. |
| Bas kneels to the ground while doing motions as if he got stabbed in the throat. |
| Bas Rutten: |
He's bleeding everywhere and down he goes and he had glass in his eye. Drag Queen screams, "Oh, what's going on?", I looked at him in the eye and I say, "Listen buddy, this day of misery has just begun." |
| Bas does punching motions towards the camera while saying "Boosh. Boosh. Boosh." |
| Bas Rutten: |
Right in their fucking face. And another guy comes to me with a pool cue – Uh oh, not enough weapons now. OK, see, listen. "Are you going to do something with that?" and I slit his throat – over and out. He was gurgling and then I licked his face and I start laughing! HAHA and the bartender! It was unbelievable. Fuck you, bartender! I walked outside and got on a motorcycle and I get back to my house. Finally, when I was home, I took a long, warm bubble bath. |
| Jeremy St. Ives: |
Yeah... Well... Thanks for that. Well, we're straight out of time. See you next time in the Men's Room. |
| 'The Men's Room' announcer: |
The Men's Room, brought to you by.... |
| ALCOPATCH commercial narrator: |
The Alcopatch. It's the same refreshing feeling of your favorite drink, but delivered transdermally and discretely. Pick up the Alcopatch at your local pharmacy. |
| Ether commercial |
| ETHER commerical narrator: |
Get ready to put your family to sleep. Weazel presents a whole new season of Ether. |
| 'VIP Luxury Ringtones' commercial begins. |
| 'VIP Luxury Ringtones' narrator: |
Your ringtone defines who you are and how much money you have. So take bling to the next level with audio bling – it's VIP Luxury Ringtones! |
| Man: |
Oh, they've got that Dragon Brain ringtone! |
| Woman: |
I've got the Science of Crime ringtone! Now everyone knows I'm as boring as the show! |
| 'VIP Luxury Ringtones' male narrator: |
VIP Luxury Ringtones. Including extreme tones like: a person being beheaded, or Diamonds, or old bitch falling and breaking her hip. Wow that's dope! VIP Luxury Ringtones, only 100 bucks! Be an individual, get a VIP Luxury Ringtone today. |
| 'VIP Luxury Ringtones' female narrator: |
Visit VIPLUXURYRINGTONES.COM |
| 'VIP Luxury Ringtones' commercial ends. |
| Ricky Gervais's performance at Split Sides begins. |
| Split Sides announcer: |
Recorded live from Liberty City at the home of the six drink minimum. The famous Split Sides comedy club presents all the way from London, Europe, Mr. Ricky Gervais! |
| Crowd cheering and clapping. |
| Ricky Gervais: |
Hi. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. |
| Ricky Gervais: |
Been thinking a lot about war... recently. A lot of it about... a lot of bad stuff in the world. Someone's always at war. And I was thinking, "What's my favorite war?" Vietnam? Best soundtrack. Definitely. |
| Ricky Gervais: |
Second World War? Best ending. Poof, What a finale. |
| Ricky Gervais: |
You know it's over when... You can't follow that. That's the end. |
| Ricky Gervais: |
People are worried about that though, because... the atomic bomb, oh... It ended a war, which is good. But the effects are still being felt, which is bad. And it was invented by Einstein. And he's a genius. In his, uh... 1907 paper, Einstein said, that light could be described as discreet bundles of energies. That when irradiated, a dof– what sort of c*nt thinks like that... really? You know what I mean? |
| Ricky Gervais: |
That's what turned Stephen Hawking mental... too much thinking. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure. "The universe is expanding." Yeah, o' course it is, Stephen. (*crowd laughing*) Take a day off! Go for a walk, or s- not a walk, but.... (*crowd lauging*) Open a window. Watch a bit o' TV. Robot Wars is on. You like that, don't ya? People go, "Ah well you can't ever cut Steven Hawking. He's a genius." He's not a genius. He's pretentious. Born in England, and talks with an American accent. |
| Ricky Gervais: |
Cambodia. That was a good one. Pol Pot. He killed 100,000 people. He rounded up 100,000 people, and he killed 'em, because... they were what he called "intellectuals", and that was his threat. And d'you know how he told whether they were intellectual or not? It was whether they wore glasses.. If they're that clever, take 'em off when they see 'em coming! |
| Ricky Gervais: |
Cambodia. That was a good one. Pol Pot. He killed 100,000 people. He rounded up 100,000 people, and he killed 'em, because... they were what he called "intellectuals", and that was his threat. And d'you know how he told whether they were intellectual or not? It was whether they wore glasses.. If they're that clever, take 'em off when they see 'em coming! |
| Ricky Gervais: |
Know what I mean? Oh yeah, well Kierkegaard, oi here's comes Pol Pot. Alright? Yea. Not too bad, yea. Yea! Good. Yea! Aw, thank you Mr. Pot. Yea. No, I-I'm thick, (*crowd laughing*) as you can see. I'm-I'm thi - him, over there, look. Go and kill him. Falklands War. That's probably my favorite. People say that it was a conflict, it was a war. And it's my favorite, 'cause it was a range war. And what that means, is that... the Argentinean guns could fire 9 km, whereas the British guns could fire 17 km. So we just parked our boats about 10 km away, and theirs were falling into the water. While... we were shelling the shit out of them. It's the war equivalent of holding a midget at arm's length. (*crowd laughing*) Like that. And he's flailing... just missin'. And you'll just steadily kick him in the bollocks. Ow! Smack. Ow! Smack. |
| Ricky Gervais: |
People go, "Ooh, you must never go at midgets." Why not? What are they gonna do? (*crowd laughing*) You must never go at fundamentalist terrorists. They're the scary ones. Midgets? Do what you want. Thanks very much! Good night! |
| Crowd cheering and clapping. |
| Split Sides announcer: |
Mr. Ricky Gervais! |
| Ricky Gervais's performance at Split Sides ends. |
| Spittoon commercial. |
| Spittoon commercial narrator (same as 72 commercial announcer?): |
Critics are raving about how the West was won on Weazel. Running Horses, Justified Genocide, Big Bosoms, & Shitfaced Shootouts are coming to Tuesdays on the next season of Spittoon. Don't miss it. |
| Whiz Wireless video package commercial begins. |
| Wife: |
Honey! What are you doing sitting in your car in the driveway staring at your phone? Are your pants unbuckled? |
| Whiz Wireless video package commercial narrator: |
It's the Whiz Wireless video package! Watch all your favorite movies on your phone – on demand! At home, at work, while stuck in traffic. Adult titles too. You won't want to get out of your car. |
| Wife: |
Honey! The neighbors are calling the police! |
| Whiz Wireless video commercial narrator: |
Whiz Wireless – do the social vibe... |
| Whiz Wireless video package commercial ends. |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commercial begins. |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical female narrator: |
Technology... |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical male narrator: |
It's what a man needs. |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical female narrator: |
Excelsior Extreme 9. |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical male narrator: |
The Excelsior Extreme 9. |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical female narrator: |
9 blades of glory. |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical male narrator: |
Facial hair makes you look like a pervert, or a hobo. Or someone covering a scar he got tossing salad in the joint. Now take your shaving to the extreme! |
| woman moaning |
| Man: |
Get closer. |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical male narrator: |
It's a sports car, power lift, expensive watch, on a Mediterranean beach of a shave. (*woman moaning*) At turbo quality levels. (*woman moaning*) Technology has arrived at the razor's edge. (*woman moaning*) Excelsior Extreme 9. |
| Excelsior Extreme 9 commercial ends. |
| 'How To Survive When There is A Suitcase Nuke On Your Train' commercial |
| 'HTSWTiASNOYT' narrator (same as 72 commercial announcer?): |
It's the show that may save your life. How to survive when there is a suitcase nuke on your train? Can you and your family afford to miss it? |
| Republican Space Rangers begins. |
| Republican Space Rangers theme song |
| different people (need to separate to different dialogue boxes in the future): |
Republican Space Rangers! Intergalactic war on terror. But don't worry about collateral damage or errors. 'Cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty. Sometimes we kill with undue glee... Oh was that your home? SORRY! Gotta complete the mission! And possibly deny extraordinary rendition! Spreading American values! Sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two! Republican Space Rangers! |
| 'Republican Space Rangers' narrator: |
When strangers you've never met threaten your way of life, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS! They are Butch, Commander, and Dick! When we last met the Rangers they were in a perilous situation on the planet Spheron, encountering strange beings while heroically protecting Earth from unknown dangers. The saga continues... |
| Republican Space Rangers trio: |
Republican Space Rangers! Shoot first, ask questions never! |
| Spheronic alien: |
Space Rangers, we have never heard of your planet Earth or your sponsor Pißwasser, but we welcome you to our planet. We are agrarian and do not have much, but what we have you may share. |
| Butch: |
Huh? What's he sayin'? Man, that's gibberish. |
| Dick: |
Fucked if I know. He's speaking some kinda weird jibber-jabber space dialect with long words. |
| Commander: |
Dialect shmialect, I don't trust the sonofabitch. Besides, he looks queer to me. And if we don't fight them here, they'll follow us to America and pollute the blessed homeland. You know the drill, boys. Your strange religion and foreign ways threaten our freedoms. |
| Dick: |
And you look fruity, like--, like you got a wide stance, you know? |
| Spheronic alien: |
But this is my home, brothers, here it is you who is strange. Can't we all get along? |
| Butch: |
What's he saying, man? This alien sure speaks crap. |
| Dick: |
Hey! Habla Ingles? Hola! |
| Commander: |
Hey! Listen up, shit-for-brains. The time for peaceful negotiations is over! |
| Dick: |
You heard the boss, asshead ho. You know what time it is, baby... It's time to die! |
| Spheronic alien: |
Please.. ohh! |
| Commmander: |
Make sure you get the children! They'll just turn into insurgents themselves! |
| Dick: |
Hey, them youngins is running into that alien orphanage. |
| Commander: |
It seems to me we've uncovered a terror plot. Innocent people back home will suffer. I repeat – they will suffer! |
| Dick: |
Hey there, Commander. This here nuke is armed and on your go, baby. |
| Commander: |
That's 10-4. Let's get on the ship and vaporize these SOB's! |
| The Republican Space Rangers trio take off in their Spaceship and bomb planet Spheron. |
| (republican space rangers) ?: |
Yeehoo! —Yeah baby! |
| Country music plays in the background |
| Commander: |
Alright, another round boys! You deserve it. For you are heroes today. And I say with a tear in my eye – mission accomplished! Hoorah! |
| Dick: |
Hoorah! Democracy is a gift to the universe. Those alien kids learned a valuable lesson today. (*farts*) Whoa.. I got a breach in the airlock. |
| Commander & Butch: |
Oh, goddamit! |
| Dick: |
There was a report from Fort Ass – General Shit's on his way. |
| Commander: |
Goddammit soldier! You're specifically prohibited from firing off airbiscuits! Hey, what's that up ahead? |
| Butch: |
Oh yeah. Er. It's... er...wait a minute... Hold up... |
| Commander: |
You idiot! You're looking at the microwave oven! Look at the screen! |
| Butch: |
I'm sorry, Commander. I was cooking me up a quesadilla. Hey, this here registers as a strange planet on the Insurgiscan. Well, it's on the map, but fuck if I can pronounce the name. |
| Commander: |
No surprise there, but I say we take no chances anyway. Let's give 'em 8 kinds of hell, Butch! Fire it all! |
| Butch: |
With pleasure, sir! |
| Missle firing destroying a planet |
| Commander: |
I never get tired of seeing that. Well done, fellers. Put a note in the log – encountered terrorist threat, commenced to liquidize same enemy, freed mankind. And... I'm recommending both of you sons of bitches for some more medals and shit. |
| Dick: |
Oh thank you, Commander! Hey listen, can we uh... can we shower together later? |
| Commander: |
Indubitably! But only after we play space volleyball and work up ourselves up a man-sized sweat! |
| Butch: |
Ah man, y'all know I ain't good at no volleyball. |
| Dick: |
Hush, don't ruin it. It's too tender. |
| Butch: |
Uh oh. I've got something on the Insurgiscan again. |
| Dick: |
Hey! Readings indicate minerals and gold. Heheheh. |
| Commander: |
Well, boys, lock and load. Let's have ourselves a looksie. What d'ya say? |
| Spaceship lands on a planet. |
| Commander: |
Remember if we meet any strangers, kill 'em! I bet these punks have no capacity whatsoever for peaceful coexistence, drive through liquor stores, guns shops, or the democratic freedom to have their votes discarded in swamps! |
| Dick: |
Shit, they better learn how to pray in school! |
| Commander: |
Oh, give it a rest. They're fucking savages, Dick! Hey, here's one now. |
| Foreign alien: |
The gods were right! You've come. (*guns cocking*) Welcome to our peaceful land of plenty. |
| Butch: |
What is he saying? |
| Dick: |
This son of a bitch doesn't even speak American! |
| Foreign alien: |
Yes I do. I said welcome. |
| (*gunshot*) |
| Foreign alien: |
Ow! You prick!You shot me in the tentacle! |
| Foreign alien: |
No problem; it will grow back. Listen, I forgive you brother – carrying around the burden of hate is worse for me than those I despise. |
| Butch: |
What on God's green Earth is he saying? |
| Dick: |
I don't know. Sound like some tai-chi chwon fandango transvestite bullshit! |
| Commander: |
I don't know, I was thinking the exact same thing. See I recognize some of the words, but the sentiments seem simplistic and, well, foreign, if you will. |
| Butch: |
I don't understand what anybody's saying! I just wanna shoot! |
| Commander: |
Enemy's out there, boys! The enemy's out there! |
| Dick: |
No! the enemy's inside... |
| Foreign alien: |
Listen, guys, welcome! we've arranged a welcome party, with a tequila slide – good times. We'll get started with massages from attractive she-aliens, then, after hand release, we'll talk-- |
| Commander: |
You better stop trying to buy my men off with your women! (*gun cocks*) |
| Butch: |
Yeah, I hate women! |
| Foreign alien: |
Oh, sorry. We mean no offense. Listen, we really need your help. We are a loving, peaceful race. Last menstrual moon cycle, an evil race of aliens invaded and began imposing their will on us. They enslave many of my people, steal our natural resources with no-bid contracts while destroying our culture. Can you help? Oh no! Here comes one of them now. |
| Evil alien: |
What are you saying, sharing scum? |
| Foreign alien: |
I was explaining to these manly space rangers how you've enslaved my people. |
| Evil alien: |
Of course we have – you've got resources we need, and besides which, we are evil and greedy. heheheheh! |
| Commander: |
I like this little guy. He's speaking a lot of sense, know what I mean? |
| Dick: |
Hey, you wanna go bass fishing? |
| Butch: |
Man, what's he saying? |
| Foreign alien: |
My god, you are a fucking moron. Listen, you two, please? These evil aliens are destroying our people and culture. |
| Evil alien: |
You're weak. You deserve to suffer! |
| Commander: |
He's got leadership skills on him too. This little fella's incredible! |
| Dick: |
Hey, Commander, awaiting your orders. |
| Commander: |
Hell, our mission is clear as mud, boys! and I do not believe in any manner of deviation! except of course for that one night in college when we had one too many wine spritzers. Are you calling me a deviant boy? |
| Foreign alien: |
No! No, no, no, no, no, no. |
| Commander: |
Therefore, we must travel through space, meet strangers, and kill 'em good! |
| Dick & Butch: |
For democracy and liberty! |
| Foreign alien: |
But I can give you wisdom! |
| Evil alien: |
And I can make you rich! |
| Commander: |
Alright, I've heard enough of this shit. You know the drill, fellas. |
| Foreign alien & Evil alien running away |
| Foreign alien & Evil alien: |
No, no, no, no. |
| (*gunshot*) |
| (republican space rangers) ?: |
Yeehee, hoo! |
| Country music plays in the background |
| Commander: |
That'll teach that son of a bitch what shock and awe means. You did a great job, boys. I'm proud of you. Oh, dammit Dick! I told you no bopping the baloney in outer space! |
| (*fap sounds*) |
| Dick: |
Sorry Commander, but this soldier is unable to stop thinking about your warm hairy embrace. |
| Commander & Dick: |
Republican Space Rangers! |
| Butch: |
Republican Rangers of Space. Oh shit. Er, wait... |
| 'Republican Space Rangers' narrator: |
When primitives light-years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again! REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS! |
| Republican Space Rangers ends. |
| Anti John Hunter commercial (Pro Michael Graves commercial). |
| Anti John Hunter commercial narrator: |
Meet John Hunter. As a state senator he voted to close down all schools in Liberty City and give the money saved directly to drug addicts. (*children cheer*) John Hunter wants to be your governor, but he hates our troops so much he wants them to cut and run and come home cowards. John Hunter has lost an erection (*slide whistle blow sfx*) more than once and disappointed his wife much in the same way he'll disappoint you. And he definitely has hairplugs and lifts. Call John Hunter. Tell him that combover's not fooling anyone. You short assed bald bastard. It's just like your polices; thin on top, and short of ideas. Paid for by Michael Graves for governor. |
| Vinewood C*nts commercial |
| Vinewood C*nts announcer (same as 72 commercial announcer?): |
He says, she says. He say shut up. The women of dazzletown show their true nature in Vinewood C*nts – only on Weazel. |
| VIG Insurance commercial. |
| VIG Insurance commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): |
You're late to see your therapist. You're in a hurry. You've had a couple of Martinis at lunch. Then someone or something gets in the way. (*woman screams*) What do you do? Leave the scene? Head for the border? Not with VIG INSURANCE. Now you don't have to worry! Call one of our claim representatives immediately and we'll deal with the law, silence any victims (*missle exploding sfx*) before uncomfortable litigation can happen. We insure against drunk driving! Accidental gun discharge (*gunshot sfx*). (*gunshots sfx*) And narcotics violations! VIG Insurance – because freedom equals piece of mind. |
| Vacation Home Sluts commercial |
| Vacation Home Sluts commercial narrator (same as 72 commercial announcer?): |
Weazel Wednesdays heat up (*moan*) next season with Vacation Home Sluts (*moan*). Don't miss it. On Weazel (*moan*). |
| Weazel Terror Marathon commercial |
| Terror Marathon commercial announcer (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): |
All next week – it's patriotism at its finest as Weazel revisits history with the non-stop Terror marathon. Back to back documdramas blaming liberals for everything. Only on Weazel. |
| 'Venturas Poker Challenge' begins |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Last week we brought you the greatest victory in the history of televised card gambling mayhem. Five men, looking with disgust at each other as their women look on in envy from the sidelines. |
| Troy Burger: |
It's like a sixth grade circle jerk, Malcolm. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Hey, that's right, and with that – welcome back to the Venturas Poker challenge, in association with Cerveza Barracho, because when you've got a full house, ES PLAYTIME! and eCola, because gambling is DELICIOUSLY INFECTIOUS! I'm Malcolm Fitzherbert. |
| Troy Burger: |
And I'm Troy Burger. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Hey Troy, this is the biggest payday in sports, next to convincing a city to give you a stadium and land tax-free. |
| Troy Burger: |
Or when your city gets the Olympics. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Oh that's right. I mean seriously, what can you say about what we've seen so far? |
| Troy Burger: |
Well, Malcolm, it's been a real... what I'm... I'm just at a loss for words. I mean seriously, it is just a tough time describing this. And you know I am paid to avoid uncomfortable silences. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Well, it's been truly remarkable. This is entertainment at its finest. This is sport at its best, this is human drama at its most humane and dramatic. Cocksure Chris Cummings is going home a millionaire. And you know how he did it? By day after day risking his future, betting on a whim! Putting everything he owned on the line for a lie. If that's not a metaphor for life, I don't know what is. Chris moved here from San Fierro, says he likes moving to a desert where the faceless suburbs stretch on for a hundred miles. You can get a McMansion cheap! and there won't be any water left in five years! |
| Troy Burger: |
Well, you said it, Malcolm! Okay, just minutes ago, Cocksure Chris Cummings pulled a bluff on aces high fruit loop and sent the whole place insane! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Lunacy! Five people died! Bet it all, don't play it safe and go home a winner. |
| Troy Burger: |
Wow, the pokerdome rules! Guys covered with logos, wearing sunglasses indoors! I mean, these athletes are incredible! They're here for one thing – to win a shiny bracelet that says they're number one. Call it honky bling, but every man wants it! You know, every time I see Steve "Buffet Car" Jabowitz play, I am amazed at the agility of the man! I am terrified of the wisdom, and I am fascinated by the bubbling undercurrent of sexuality. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
What? Can you take your hand off my leg...? |
| Troy Burger: |
What I guess I'm saying is that when that man rides the river, that river knows it's been ridden. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
The Venturas Poker Challenge! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Hey, wait, wait, wait. He's thinking... what's Jabowitz going to do... what's in store for the buffet car? |
| Troy Burger: |
I am not sure, Er... you think he's got pocket rockets? 'Cause, you know, pocket rockets take out a pair of whores. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Oh they sure do, Troy. Man, I'm so excited I could pee! Now keep quiet. |
| Troy Burger: |
Oh, sorry... |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Oh. Yeah... Wait, wait... Cummings is looking at his cards. This is a HUGE moment! |
| Troy Burger: |
Unbelievably big! That man is all about the flop. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Aaah, fantastic! I cannot believe that! He's folded! Take a look at that, ladies and gentlemen. You just saw history here tonight. Absolutely incredible! |
| Troy Burger: |
Hoh, the crowds are going ballistic here in the desert! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
And that's what it's all about! Yeah, that and smoking and drinking yourself into an early grave. Hey, let's take a quick break. This break is brought to you by Sprunk, because commercials are the essence of life. And CHERENKOV, because commercials warm you to the core. |
| 'Venturas Poker Challenge' pauses for a commercial break. |
| Anti Michael Graves commercial (Pro John Hunter commercial). |
| Anti Michael Graves commercial narrator: |
Uh oh, here comes Michael Graves with more of his negative attack ads. But let's stick to the facts and move past these pathetic politics of division and swift boating. FACT: Michael Graves spent taxpayer money on a vacation home in the Philippines where young boys speak in lisps and don't wear pants! Michael Graves says he supports family values, but his wife is a harlot (*crowd booing sfx*) and has aborted 5 children. Maybe Michael Graves has forgotten the tragic events a few years ago, but we haven't. He wants to end the War on Terror and make America and your children vulnerable to terrorists, much like those little boys are vulnerable to him. You have a choice come election day. Choose Freedom for your state! Vote John Hunter for Governor! The future depends on you making the right decision! |
| Crow reunion in Iran commercial |
| Crow reunion in Iran commercial announcer (same as 72 commercial announcer?): |
A special night, a special man. Coming in three weeks – it's the Crow reunion in Iran. |
| commercial break ends – 'Venturas Poker Challenge' continues. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Whoa, this is more exciting than chatting with a teen girl online. |
| Troy Burger: |
I'm completely engorged! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Welcome back to the Venturas Poker Challenge! While you were away, you missed something ridiculous. |
| Troy Burger: |
The poker gods were smiling on Dangeous Derrick Thornton just now. He took the sport in a whole new direction. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Yeah, that's right. Earlier we spoke with Derrick and he said his typical day he wakes up around 3pm, plays poker online for a few hours, goes to the bar with friends, comes home assfaced and does the whole thing again the next day. He's never read a book. Seeing that, people from around the country have flocked here to come and train for this sport. You know Troy, what we're doing here is illegal in most states of the union. But what happens is Las Venturas stays in Las Venturas, except when you're donating blood or semen to fuel a poker addiction. But before we forget, this section of the show is presented in association with RELEASE GUM, because you chew, you suck, then pow life has shot a load in your mouth. And Pill PHARM, because when the cards go against you it's time to swallow, and it's good for you. |
| Troy Burger: |
You know, I don't know about you, Malcolm, but I am just amazed at the endurance of these serious athletes. We've been playing for hours now, and no sign of fatigue. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Oh that's absolutely right, Troy. Twenty-one year old Butch Roberts, former manager of Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts, may now win a bracelet here tonight and be able to buy himself a whole chain of donut shops to be run by foreigners because we're too lazy. |
| Troy Burger: |
Exactly. It's the fitness level of our biggest stars that make poker the incredible sport it has become. Example, Jennifer "Trashcan" Zelinski. She's been sitting there for hours now and no sign of tiredness. A cosmetics clerk from Nebraska, she's barren and instead has adopted eight children from Venezuela. All of whom are here tonight! except for her adopted son Jimmy who is gay. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Well, she's one tough lady. I bet her pants smell like daisies. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Wait, she's gonna put it all in just like she's seen a pair of cowboys to ride. I tell you, that last round she won it with a hand full of doggie balls. |
| Troy Burger: |
She sure did! Those eights'll kill ya. Terry Kim, the Destroyer, he has not budged, fit as a fiddle. The guy smokes three packs of Redwoods, drinks a cocktail every five minutes, but still, he keeps on coming! Relentless! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
I mean, that kind of luck is what a serious training program can do to you. |
| Troy Burger: |
Oh yeah. Well, I'll tell you one thing – they are not men, they are not women. No – they are gods. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
His wife and mistress both looking on from the sidelines. Wait... oh, my god! |
| Troy Burger: |
Oh mercy! Remember the date! Remember the time! Remember where you were sitting when you saw THIS! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
And for those new to our sport, where have you been? |
| Troy Burger: |
It is all on this next three cards. Or the one after. |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Or the one after that. |
| Troy Burger: |
Yes, it's ridiculous! We've had it all here tonight. Quite, uh... Q-Quite amazing! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
It's a three! It's a three! It's a three! |
| Troy Burger: |
Amazing! that doesn't help anyone... |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Next card is coming up. This tension is killing me! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Man, watching other people play cards is so exciting! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
Terry Kim has such a poker face. The pros at this sport measure themselves as to how many chips they have right now. It's like a whorehouse, you can be dealt something that you carry with you all your life. |
| Troy Burger: |
After seeing this, I don't need to live anyway, because I have seen it ALL tonight! You know, I have a small pair, but I talk a good game. Ooogh, here comes the turn... |
Interpolating
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
It--it-- it's, such... oh, my god. |
| Troy Burger: |
Oh wow. Wow. Wow! |
|
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
It's the nine of clubs! You know, he could have gotten an ace or a queen! |
| Troy Burger: |
Oh yeah, he sure could have! Or even a seven or a two! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
True, True. But the devil wears 9s tonight. It's nine steps to Heaven for Phil "Deadman" Davidson. If he gets the next card. |
| Troy Burger: |
That's right. It's all in the river. Oh! This-This is what we live for! Wow, luck has really shined on "Cocksure" Chris Cummings. The rest of these guys should really think about killing themselves, because when you lose at poker on TV, life is the pits. Here it comes... Here it comes, oh my god!!! |
| Malcolm Fitzherbert: |
That's all we have time for, here in Venturas. This has been a Jeremiah TV production in association with Shark Credit Cards, because this show has been extortionate value, and Lovemeet, 'cause we've made you whole again. For all of us at the Venturas Poker Challenge, bet it all, don't play it safe, and go home a winner! |
| 'Venturas Poker Challenge' ends. |
| Weazel News commercial begins. |
| Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): |
How will you know if terror is about to win? |
| Weazel News female reporter: |
A terror alert this afternoon in Liberty City. |
| Weazel News male reporter: |
An awesome terrible tragedy tonight in the south slopes section of Broker. |
| Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): |
Weazel news – the news Liberty City trusts. |
| Weazel News female reporter: |
Are you a sex offender? find out tonight. |
| Weazel News male reporter: |
Ethnics are at it again! Weazel news is on the scene hovering at a safe level in our chopper. |
| Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): |
The best in political news and analysis. |
| Weazel News female reporter: |
Today President Lawton suspends habeas corpus and saved freedom. |
| Weazel News male reporter: |
That's excellent. |
| Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): |
And Weazel Chopper 4 – if someone's in trouble or on fire, the Weazel News chopper is there on top of the action. |
| Weazel News male reporter with a megaphone: |
Sir, you there on fire, could you face the camera please?. |
| Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): |
Hard-hitting stories, attractive news anchors with great hair. Self-consciously multicultural with racist undertones – It's the Weazel news team. Anchor Cindy Shiny, Charles Justice, Meteorologist Artie Schneider, street reporter Sheila Hitano, and Kenny Lapalano with the sports! We call it news. Your team for the war on terror, the weather, and sports. Weazel News. |
| Weazel News commercial ends. |
| Katt Williams's performance at Split Sides begins. |
| Split Sides announcer: |
Recorded live from the capital of the world, Liberty City! The famous Split Sides comedy club invites you to line up and bring the love to the comedy club where the drinks ain't cheap! Welcome to the stage, Mr. Katt Williams! |
| Crowd cheering and clapping. |
| Katt Williams: |
Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you, appreciate it. Liberty City...woohoo! This is great. (Man from crowd: Yeah!) This is great, I've never... |
| Katt Williams: |
Never been here before, it's my first time. As a visitor to Liberty city, this is amazing. The speed and the pace at which this city works. Went on a mini adventure today, I got up, got dressed, got my swagger right, had my bravado and I decided I'm going to cross a Liberty City street slowly. |
| Katt Williams: |
Not gonna happen. Everything moves so fast here, why are people moving so-- I don't-- a homeless man ran past me, where could he possibly be fucking going? (*crowd laughing*) He could lay down... and be home immediately. Just lay down and be home, but he was speeding past me at a furious pace. Everything is so fast here in Liberty City, It's crazy. It's crazy, your gas prices are too high – 69 dollars a gallon, (*crowd laughing*) bit ridiculous. My car costs about 72 dollars. Let's try to get it back in focus. People don't speak here in Liberty City, I don't know. It's like they're scared to be shot or something. (*crowd laughing*) I-I spoke all day, "Hey, how are ya?" – nothing, "Good looking at ya, ma'am" – nothing, "Hello, Officer?" – nothing. It's a crazy city. I'm enjoying it though, it's very exciting. A lot of options here, a lot of options in Liberty City. You can get whatever you want. You like pussy? Of course you do! (*crowd laughing*) It's here! in Liberty City, some of the best I've ever had. I'll tell ya that. You know a pussy's good when you're inside of it and you're thinking about other things other than sex. (*crowd laughing*) Like things, like, "Wow... Wow... I love gingerbread cookies..." |
| Katt Williams: |
when you're thinking that in the pussy, that's when you know it's good shit. The best weed in the world may be right here in Liberty City. I was so high earlier today I had a complete discussion with myself... in the mirror. (*crowd laughing*) Threatening, threatening. I couldn't believe I snuck up on me like that and I was furious about it! You ever had weed so good that you get stuck? You know, stuck. Stuck like when you need to leave, you wanna leave, you gotta leave, but you can't fucking go? (*crowd laughing*) STUCK – that's what you find here in Liberty City. You've got everything. The greatest basketball team. (*crowd clapping, cheering, and whistling*) Who's fucking with the Liberty City Warriors? It's crazy. I remember, there used to be this guy played as good as the guy you guys got, but he didn't want to pass the ball, he'd never pass the ball. And so the rest of the team was just up and down, just, they were physically fit but never scored any points. This selfish bastard, (*crowd laughing*) they were just chasing him down the court, just... |
| Katt running left and right on stage as the crowd is laughing |
| Katt Williams: |
I'm open! Nothing.. nothing... |
| Katt Williams: |
Liberty City's got a team made out of Warriors, you need that, you need a strong, you need a strong team. You gotta be strong anyway, it's a weak world. You come to Liberty City and you can get strong in this weak world. I know it's weak. I started out weak. I wasn't always tall like this folks. (*crowd laughing*) Used to be short. A lot going on when you're short. People lie to you, my parents looked me directly in the eyes and told me, without a shadow of doubt – eat all your vegetables, drink your milk, you'll grow up big and tall. Lying son of a bitches! (*crowd laughing*) You know how many vegetables I ate? Hmm, any idea? You how much milk I consumed? I should be the size of a cow! Why am I not the same size of a cow? I drank the same thing the fucking cow drank. (*crowd laughing and clapping*) Still short. Knew I was short because I, I-I wore one pair of jeans probably 5 years through school, 5. You could tell how old I was because of the ring, where I would cuff it (*crowd laughing*), then let the cut out it, quarter of an inch, I grew a quarter of an inch, and I'd let it out and there'd be that other line, and then. Yeah, I'm not depressed, I'm just saying. If you got short kids at home go home and kiss 'em 'cause it's terrible. Thank you, goodnight. |
| Crowd cheering and clapping. |
| Katt Williams's performance at Split Sides ends. |
| Homoerectus commercial. |
| Homoerectus announcer (same as 72 commercial announcer?): |
It's coming back to Weazel, another season of the Weazel history drama, Homoerectus – Science meets forbidden love. Only on Weazel. |
| Waning with the Stars commercial begins. |
| Weazel News reporter (same as Burger Shot narrator): |
'80s sitcom star and a passenger are paralyzed in what police say is part of a reality show. We're live on the scene. |
| Waning with the stars narrator ((same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): |
You just can't help getting sucked in on the way down. The #1 rated reality show is coming back for another season. Waning with the Stars – the show where we follow formerly big celebrities on their way down. See ordinary contestants paired with deathwish drug-addled celebrities to see who hits the skids first and how far they slide. Remember Cherice McCormic? She was on the most popular sitcom of the '80s. Now she's on a serious bender reduced to shooting skinflicks for crack. And you'll see contestants try to keep up as they freebase, get into high-speed chases, and surf internet porn with '80s professional wrestler – The Grinder. 5 contestants, 1 fading dream, a ton of alcohol and drug abuse. Enjoy watching once smug celebrities who have hit rock bottom stay there. Waning with the Stars – A new season coming soon on Weazel. |
| Waning with the Stars commercial ends. |
|
