So Long Schlong is a mission in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories given to protagonist Victor Vance by Reni Wassulmaier from the InterGlobal Films Studios on Prawn Island, Vice City.
Mission
Reni is about to get her fourth sex change but Diego Mendez is unhappy that she introduced Victor to Ricardo Diaz, saying it was disloyal. Mendez' goons are about to arrive in the InterGlobal Films course to kill her but she decides to drive and find a way to the hospital while Victor takes care of the Mendez' goons at the InterGlobal course. When around twenty of the Mendez' goons are killed, Reni messages Victor via pager informing him about having been caught somewhere near The Malibu Club in Vice Point. Victor then gets in a car and drives over to the place and helps Reni clear out all the attacking enemies. The duo then escape in another car while being attacked by drive-by's of the Mendez' goons. Victor then luckily ends up taking Reni to the hospital without any harm from the Mendez' goons.
Mission objectives
In order to complete the mission the player must:
- Don't let Mendez's goons search the film lot and discover Reni has gone
- Save Reni - he's near the Malibu Club
- Kill Mendez's goons
- Take Reni to the hospital
Script
(Reni, Victor inside the InterGlobal course)
Reni Wassulmaier: Farewell, faithful friend. The phoenix must burn first before she rises... Such is life...
Victor Vance: Reni, hey, what's wrong?
Reni Wassulmaier: Darling, he wants me dead!
Victor Vance: Who?
Reni Wassulmaier: Diego Mendez, that's who.
Victor Vance: Why?
Reni Wassulmaier: Because I put you in contact with Ricardo Diaz; said it was disloyal of me. Not as disloyal as him two-timing me with that tramp.
Victor Vance: Whoa, wait, you guys were an item?
Reni Wassulmaier: Yes, but I could not deal with him. He talked too much. Beat me, Reni. Spank me, Reni. Blow coke up my ass, Reni. It was too goddamn much.
Victor Vance: Diego Mendez? Jeez...
Reni Wassulmaier: So now I must go to Dr. Horowitz. He's a genius. Tomorrow, new Reni!
Victor Vance: You're not having another sex change?
Reni Wassulmaier: I only have three. Oh, please, darling, save me!
(Reni and Victor outside the InterGlobal studio)
Reni Wassulmaier: Diego's men will be here any second. I just know it.
Victor Vance: I'll hold them up. You'll have to find your own way to the hospital.
Reni Wassulmaier: Find my own way? But darling, I always have.
(Victor kills the Mendez's goons as well as receiving a message from Reni)
Reni Wassulmaier (on pager): They've found me! Help me darling! I'm near the Malibu...
(Victor arrives at the spot)
Mendez goon: You're gonna die, you freak of nature!
Reni Wassulmaier: Freak? I'm an artist. I'm sensitive... And I'm going to kill all of you fucking filthy fuckers! Vic, save me!
(The goons are dead, Victor and Reni run to a car)
Reni Wassulmaier: This gun makes me feel so masculine. Make love to me, Vic.
Victor Vance: Let's just get to the hospital.
Reni Wassulmaier: Then you will make love to me, no?
Victor Vance: No.
Reni Wassulmaier: All this macho bullshit. I'll be glad when I'm a woman.
Victor Vance: Keep your head down!
Reni Wassulmaier: In your lap, darling?
Victor Vance: On second thoughts, keep shooting.
(Victor and Reni reach the hospital)
Reni Wassulmaier: Ooh... All that shooting. I'm so turned on, Dr. Horowitz is going to need a chainsaw to cut through this wood.
Victor Vance: Man, I do not want to know.
Reward
The reward for completing this mission is $1,000, plus Reni's special Comet if you picked it up while saving her from the goons.
Trivia
- For some reason Reni's voice changes completely during the shootout, so much so that it sounds like a male actor has voiced the lines as opposed to the actress who normally performs Reni.
- If you've purchased all the Empire Building sites, after picking up Reni stop at the nearest one and transfer to one of your vehicles, now bulletproof, to make the ride to the hospital less hazardous.
Gallery
Video walkthrough
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