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Republican Space Rangers! Shoot first; ask questions NEVER!
— The RSR Motto

Republican Space Rangers is a cartoon show that runs on Weazel. It can be watched in Grand Theft Auto IV, Grand Theft Auto V, and Grand Theft Auto Online.

Description[]

The plot consists of three Caucasian, redneck American men who patrol the universe in a spacecraft, searching for and eliminating what they perceive to be threats to America. This is the first cartoon show in the GTA series. It has a mix of satirical humor, graphic violence, offensive language, racism, xenophobia, and use of drugs. All the cartoons have a very stereotypical conservative view on life.

The cartoon seems to be a large popular property, with multiple forms of advertisement in the HD Universe and public cosplayers at the Oriental Theater in Grand Theft Auto V, advertising the show. Fans of the show can be found in public in GTA V, such as the Ammu-Nation clerk and Lester Crest, who is found to own several Republican Space Rangers figurines in his home.

The cartoon, in typical Rockstar fashion, has a great amount of crude sexual symbolism, usually as a focal point of the show's plot, design, and characters:

  • Their spaceship is phallic in shape, continuing the tradition of phallic images appearing in GTA games. The missile heads are red and embedded within the nose cone, bearing resemblance to an infected glans. Also, the missiles fired from the ship are shaped like sperm. This is further referenced in Episode 456, where Dick and Commander are fired out the front, Dick yelling, "I'm goin' out like I began!"
  • In "Homecoming," the Commander suggests a password to start up the ship, "Clown's Pocket", but it does not work. A "Clown's Pocket" is a crude term for a slack vagina.
  • President Zane's head closely resembles a mix of a buttocks and a scrotum, while his wife's face is shaped like a female genitalia.
  • In "Homecoming", the trio arrives at Fort Flaccid, flaccid being a term for an unerect penis.

Weapons[]

Throughout the series, the main characters can be seen to use several futuristic weapons as part of their arsenal:

  • Commander wields a Minigun-esque 4-barrel rotary plasma gun with two grab handles and "kill count" stickers on the side. In the First Episode, Commander's gun features 6 stickers, with every appearance afterwards featuring 7 stickers. The Commander is shown in Episode 4 to wield the gun one-handed.
  • Dick wields a 3-barreled plasma rifle with a large fake drum magazine. Unlike Commander's and Butch's weapons, Dick's rifle does not feature any "kill count" stickers.
  • Butch wields dual 3-barreled plasma rifles similar to Dick's, except with a longer body and a lack of fake drum magazine. Butch's rifles also both feature "kill count" stickers, with 5 stickers in the First Episode, and 7 stickers in every future appearance.
  • First Sergeant Vanessa wields a one-handed triple-barreled plasma blaster with purple accents and hand guard. Private Luke does not wield a weapon in his single appearance.
  • In the episode "Homecoming", after returning to Earth 5 years too late, the three main characters are asked to surrender their weapons in exchange for a "non-lethal conflict resolution device", a small pink "BANG" flag gun advertising the Brotherhood Against Negative Generalizations.

In Grand Theft Auto V the Commander cosplayer outside the Oriental Theater in Downtown Vinewood can be seen holding a replica of the Commander's gun. The 6 "kill count" stickers on the side match the amount seen in the First Episode in GTA IV, despite his confirmed kills increasing to 7 by the events of GTA V.

With the Arena War update in Grand Theft Auto Online two Republican Space Rangers weapons, as well as a handgun implied to be of the same universe, were added: The Widowmaker and the Unholy Hellbringer. The Widowmaker is a clear replica of the Commander's plasma gun, with finer details and a more futuristic look. The Widowmaker performs identically to the Minigun, with the same damage and ammo count. The Unholy Hellbringer is a near replica of Dick's plasma rifle, down to the triple barrel design and fake drum magazine. The Hellbringer also brings some details from Butch's plasma rifles, with the longer body and "kill count" stickers, of which there are 3 on the Hellbringer as opposed to the 5/7 on Butch's gun. The Hellbringer performs identically to the Combat MG with no attachments, except featuring an ammo count of 9999 with no reload required, like the Minigun/Widowmaker.

The Up-n-Atomizer is a kinetic ray pistol and is the third weapon often grouped in this set of weapons. It does not take any particular inspiration from an RSR weapon, though comparisons may be made to the "non-lethal conflict resolution device" from "Homecoming".

Gallery[]

Influence[]

The show is a parody of modern American foreign policy, especially in Iraq. It also makes fun of American jingoism, Americans' belief in the United States' superiority, as well as exaggerated conservative and, in the case of the "Homecoming" episode, liberal stereotypes.

Smaller aspects of the show further parody smaller aspects of capitalism and American culture. Edmund and Fitzgerald brothers from Episode 4 may be a parody of the real-life multi-billionaire Koch Brothers. Their name may be also a reference to the SS Edmund Fitzgerald, a freighter ship which sank in 1975. The Coffee Grinder Party, also debuting in Episode 4, may be a parody of the American Tea Party movement, a conservative movement within the United States Republican Party.

Several aspects of the show's design and characters are also influenced by real-life sci-fi properties, largely the Halo series. The Rangers' suits resemble Mjolnir armor series. As well, their ship gets caught by a Halo Ring-like object in the second episode. Butch's rifle also resembles the MA5B assault rifle used in Halo: Combat Evolved.

Other smaller sci-fi influences include:

  • The opening crawl summarizing the events of the previous episode is reminiscent of the iconic opening crawls from Star Wars.
  • The opening to the "Homecoming" episode is very similar to the opening sequence to the movie Aliens.
    • Vanessa also appears very similar in both appearance and name to Jenette Vasquez, a female Colonial Marine from the film.
    • Further references to the movie include Butch mentioning a "cat running around," which may be a reference to the cat that survived in the first movie.
  • The hovering robot that boards the RSR's ship in the episode "Homecoming" has a striking resemblance to a Probe droid from the Star Wars series, and also bears a resemblance to the Mister Handy model featured in the Fallout 3, Fallout: New Vegas, and Fallout 4 video games.

Episodes[]

The episode opens with the Rangers communicating with a group of big-headed, agrarian aliens. The Rangers fail to understand anything the alien leader says, thinking he is speaking in "some kind of weird, jibber-jabber space dialect," though the alien is actually speaking in plain English. Nevertheless, the Rangers, believing that the aliens threaten America, label them as terrorists and open fire. The aliens manage to retreat back to an orphanage while the Rangers head back to their ship, take off, and fire a nuke back at the alien planet. While flying through space, a planet shows up on the spaceship's "Insurgent Scan" and the Rangers nuke it just to be safe.

After some congratulatory remarks by Commander, another planet shows up on the scan, this time with traces of minerals and gold. The Rangers land on the planet to investigate and encounter a squid-like alien native of the planet flagging them down for help. The alien recalls the story about a group of evil aliens who had recently invaded the planet intent on enslaving the natives, stealing their natural resources and destroying their culture. Suddenly, one of the evil aliens shows up and explains that his kind did this because they are evil and greedy.

Commander and Dick instantly sympathize with the evil alien and even invite him to go bass fishing. Frustrated, the squid alien makes one last-ditch plea for help but to no avail. The Rangers suddenly remember their original mission and blast both of the aliens regardless, for the sake of "Democracy and Liberty". The episode ends with Commander, once again, congratulating the other two rangers. The celebration is interrupted when Commander spots a glob of semen floating through the air, apparently from Dick who was busy masturbating while fantasizing about Commander.

The episode opens with the Rangers holding a barbecue atop an asteroid near the "border" of Earth while standing guard against any foreigners attempting to cross over. Butch, in a moment of breaking character, questions how he is able to hear the sound of Commander's gun when there is no sound in space and goes on to explain the science behind this phenomenon. Dick makes fun of Butch by calling him an educated elitist and Commander chastises him for using the Internet to gain knowledge instead of using it for posting unsubstantiated lies on message boards, calling people "fags," and porn.

An injured and starving alien appears and slowly approaches the border, but the Rangers swiftly fire their guns at it before it could cross. The Rangers then decide to go to sleep but not before calling out their three alien servants (racial stereotypes of a Mexican, Asian, and Russian) and ordering them to clean their ship, just after Dick gets mad as he thinks that the Mexican-like alien still can't speak English although Dick has told him "a million fucking times" to do so. Later that evening, Dick creeps into Commander's sleep pod after having a cold and being frightened by the sounds of crickets. Commander angrily explains that the crickets are just a sound effect generated to help him sleep better. Meanwhile, Butch secretly sneaks out of the ship in order to give a can of beans to a friendly alien near the border who has no arms or mouth. Butch then breaks down in tears explaining that, after the way Dick and Commander have been treating him, he feels lonely and wishes to befriend the alien.

Suddenly, Dick and Commander catch Butch consorting with their so-called enemy. Commander accuses the two of being homosexual while the alien rebuts by stating that he had 14 kids until Commander killed most of them. Commander then hypocritically states it was all because of natural selection. Butch claims the alien is his friend, which causes Commander to open fire upon the two. The alien leads Butch inside his ship and flies off while Commander and Dick pursue them.

Butch realizes that he has now become an outlaw and begins to regret joining the Space Marines. Commander appears on the screen of their spaceship and continues to taunt them. Before they open fire, the alien passes through an artificial ring-shaped planet (resembling a Halo from the titular series) while Commander and Dick's ship gets caught in the ring. Dick uses the hyperdrive in an attempt to get out of the ring, humorously referring to this action as "Shitstorm in a Basket". The hyperdrive launch fails and causes the ship to go flaccid, forcing all of its systems to go offline including the oxygen supply.

Commander and Dick believe this to be "cyberterrorism" and begin to suffocate while pleading for Butch to come back and save them. Butch initially refuses to save them because they called him "gay," but the alien explains that they are just transferring their own emotional insecurities onto him ("basic Jungian psychology," he says). Butch then agrees to save them. The alien maneuvers his ship in front of the Ranger's ship while Butch tells the other two to eject. Commander and Dick fearfully eject themselves out through the head of the ship and fly through space when the episode suddenly ends on a cliffhanger. Suffice to say, the two Rangers survived due to the fact they appear in the next episode.

The episode opens with the Rangers' ship (still flaccid) drifting through space. An even larger ship docks above it and sends out a hovering robot to investigate the Ranger's ship. The robot reaches the cryosleep room and awakens the Rangers, explaining to them that they have been in cryosleep for eight years. Commander realizes that Dick had accidentally set the cryo alarm clock for eight years instead of eight hours.

Seven hours later the Rangers try to restart their ship, but Dick cannot remember the password to the computer. After several failed attempts, the robot inputs the correct password, "TOLERANCE". The Rangers are stunned and don't even recognize the word, believing it to be the result of a random letter generator. The ship powers up and Butch discovers that all his friends unfriended him and that he missed out on the whole social networking experience. Commander chastises him for social networking, claiming that he got too carried away with it. Butch then discovers that they have orders to return to Earth so the Rangers promptly fly back home.

They crash-land their ship directly in front of Fort Flaccid where a uniformed soldier nonchalantly hands them a fistful of medals and informs them of the changes made to Earth in the past several years. It turns out that not only have humans and aliens finally made peace with one another but also the USA has been turned into a pacifist, overly-sensitive, politically-correct nation—the Rangers' worst nightmare. Several other changes include giving up the right to a pension, the downgrading of military weapons to nonlethal conflict resolution devices (a puny pistol that spits out a flag), as well as the outlawing of jokes/humor (too many parent groups were offended) and torture.

The Rangers are infuriated with the new changes, as Commander tries to demonstrate the usefulness of torture by pinching Butch in the groin. The soldier is appalled and orders the Rangers to attend a "Sensitivity Retraining Seminar". Later, the Rangers are sitting in a repurposed kindergarten classroom while being taught about sensitivity and conflict resolution by an effeminate, tentacled alien. The alien teacher proposes a scenario in which the Rangers must resolve nonviolently, but the three Rangers could only offer violent solutions to the problem. Faced with no other option to change the Rangers' way of thinking, the alien teacher revokes their medals and labels them as traitors. Dick snaps, claiming he is a patriot (his favorite beer even says so), and calls the teacher a "goddamn-filthy-fucking-alien!".

The teacher is horrified and tactfully reminds Dick that the President of the USA is, in fact, an alien. The Rangers gasp as the alien teacher turns on a TV to a speech being given by President Zane, a green, scrotum-headed alien who spews urine whenever he speaks. President Zane appears friendly and confident, if a bit long-winded, and also takes the time to reveal the new flag of the U.S. The stripe colors have been changed to pink and yellow while alien heads, rainbows, and unicorns have replaced the stars. Commander declares the president to be a "homo-communist" and has had enough of the seminar. The Rangers all attempt to shoot the teacher but find that their guns only shoot flags and promptly leave the building.

They meet up back at their crashed ship and decide that the best way to get rid of a politician they disagree with is to assassinate him and blame it on "brown people". Dick exclaims, "Fuck democracy! Hell, we only ever like that shit when it works for us!" The next morning President Zane, and his vagina-mouthed alien wife, are parading through town in an open-topped limo when Commander stands in front of their limo and halts them while Dick crouches atop a grassy hill with a sniper rifle, in a reenactment of the John Kennedy assassination.

While the President is distracted with talking about autobiographies, Commander orders Dick to take the shot. Unfortunately, Dick had drank a few beers prior and misses, hitting Commander in the penis instead. President Zane is convinced that Commander took the bullet for him and declares him a hero. Meanwhile, Commander is bleeding out on the ground and calls out for someone to revive him, only to have Dick pelvically-thrust him in his rear. The episode ends with the Ranger trio standing in an unemployment line.

The new episode takes place right after the failed assassination of the president. The Rangers are invited to the White House, where they hold a brief discussion with the president before being dismissed. During the meeting, Butch apologizes to President Zane for trying to kill him, saying that they didn't like him because he's an alien and a "liberal". President Zane forgives him. After the meeting, the Rangers goes to the basement of Fort Flaccid and the soldier orders them to deliver boxes of ammo to the Dark Matter Mall, saying this is because a new law was passed allowing everyone to join the Space Rangers. At the base, the soldier from last episode assigns two new members to the team: a homosexual man called Luke and a woman by the name of Vanessa, much to the disappointment of the Rangers, especially Dick.

Later, Dick experiences a homoerotic dream with Luke, resulting in Commander becoming bewildered. The following day, the team arrives to Dark Matter Mall to advertise their brochures, but a fight between Commander and Private Luke ensues. Commander then kills Luke and orders the team to massacre everyone, especially aliens, at the shopping center, saying that all of the aliens are "insurgents".

When news teams arrive, Commander presents the event as an attack of the Chinese. One of the reporters to interview the crew was Eleonora von Sorington, a reporter hired by alien multimillionaire brothers Edmund and Fitzgerald. She gives the Rangers an invitation, which persuades the team to visit the meeting of an ultraconservative party called the Coffee Grinder, created as a front for the alien brothers' plan to establish their political dominance over the U.S. During the meeting, Dick gets drunk. While being drunk, he accidentally goes to the stage and defecates in a U.S. Capitol model that was placed on the main stage. After noticing the incident, Edmund and Fitzgerald decide to let Dick run for presidency as a representative of the Coffee Grinder party, saying that they have found their "candidate brother".

Transcripts[]

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Episode 1[]

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This article or section is currently Under Construction.
The following content may be incomplete and/or not verified.
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Under Construction

Transcript
Republican Space Rangers begins.
Republican Space Rangers theme song
different people (need to separate to different dialogue boxes in the future): Republican Space Rangers! Intergalactic war on terror. But don't worry about collateral damage or errors. 'Cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty. Sometimes we kill with undue glee... Oh was that your home? SORRY! Gotta complete the mission! And possibly deny extraordinary rendition! Spreading American values! Sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two! Republican Space Rangers!
'Republican Space Rangers' narrator: When strangers you've never met threaten your way of life, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS! They are Butch, Commander, and Dick! When we last met the Rangers they were in a perilous situation on the planet Spheron, encountering strange beings while heroically protecting Earth from unknown dangers. The saga continues...
Republican Space Rangers trio: Republican Space Rangers! Shoot first, ask questions never!
Spheronic alien: Space Rangers, we have never heard of your planet Earth or your sponsor Pißwasser, but we welcome you to our planet. We are agrarian and do not have much, but what we have you may share.
Butch: Huh? What's he sayin'? Man, that's gibberish.
Dick: Fucked if I know. He's speaking some kinda weird jibber-jabber space dialect with long words.
Commander: Dialect shmialect, I don't trust the sonofabitch. Besides, he looks queer to me. And if we don't fight them here, they'll follow us to America and pollute the blessed homeland. You know the drill, boys. Your strange religion and foreign ways threaten our freedoms.
Dick: And you look fruity, like--, like you got a wide stance, you know?
Spheronic alien: But this is my home, brothers, here it is you who is strange. Can't we all get along?
Butch: What's he saying, man? This alien sure speaks crap.
Dick: Hey! Habla Ingles? Hola!
Commander: Hey! Listen up, shit-for-brains. The time for peaceful negotiations is over!
Dick: You heard the boss, asshead ho. You know what time it is, baby... It's time to die!
Dick shooting
Spheronic alien: Please.. ohh!
Commmander: Make sure you get the children! They'll just turn into insurgents themselves!
Dick: Hey, them youngins is running into that alien orphanage.
Commander: It seems to me we've uncovered a terror plot. Innocent people back home will suffer. I repeat – they will suffer!
Dick: Shit!
Dick: Hey there, Commander. This here nuke is armed and on your go, baby.
Commander: That's 10-4. Let's get on the ship and vaporize these SOB's!
The Republican Space Rangers trio take off in their Spaceship and bomb planet Spheron.
(republican space rangers) ?: Yeehoo! —Yeah baby!
Country music plays in the background
Butch: (*Burps*)
Commander: Alright, another round boys! You deserve it. For you are heroes today. And I say with a tear in my eye – mission accomplished! Hoorah!
Dick: Hoorah! Democracy is a gift to the universe. Those alien kids learned a valuable lesson today. (*farts*) Whoa.. I got a breach in the airlock.
Commander & Butch: Oh, goddamit!
Dick: There was a report from Fort Ass – General Shit's on his way.
Butch: Hahaha!
Commander: Goddammit soldier! You're specifically prohibited from firing off airbiscuits! Hey, what's that up ahead?
Butch: Oh yeah. Er. It's... er...wait a minute... Hold up...
Commander: You idiot! You're looking at the microwave oven! Look at the screen!
Butch: I'm sorry, Commander. I was cooking me up a quesadilla. Hey, this here registers as a strange planet on the Insurgiscan. Well, it's on the map, but fuck if I can pronounce the name.
Commander: No surprise there, but I say we take no chances anyway. Let's give 'em 8 kinds of hell, Butch! Fire it all!
Butch: With pleasure, sir!
Missle firing destroying a planet
Commander: I never get tired of seeing that. Well done, fellers. Put a note in the log – encountered terrorist threat, commenced to liquidize same enemy, freed mankind. And... I'm recommending both of you sons of bitches for some more medals and shit.
Dick: Oh thank you, Commander! Hey listen, can we uh... can we shower together later?
Commander: Indubitably! But only after we play space volleyball and work up ourselves up a man-sized sweat!
Butch: Ah man, y'all know I ain't good at no volleyball.
Dick: Hush, don't ruin it. It's too tender.
Butch: Uh oh. I've got something on the Insurgiscan again.
Dick: Hey! Readings indicate minerals and gold. Heheheh.
Commander: Well, boys, lock and load. Let's have ourselves a looksie. What d'ya say?
Spaceship lands on a planet.
Commander: Remember if we meet any strangers, kill 'em! I bet these punks have no capacity whatsoever for peaceful coexistence, drive through liquor stores, guns shops, or the democratic freedom to have their votes discarded in swamps!
Dick: Shit, they better learn how to pray in school!
Commander: Oh, give it a rest. They're fucking savages, Dick! Hey, here's one now.
Foreign alien: The gods were right! You've come. (*guns cocking*) Welcome to our peaceful land of plenty.
Butch: What is he saying?
Dick: This son of a bitch doesn't even speak American!
Foreign alien: Yes I do. I said welcome.
(*gunshot*)
Foreign alien: Ow! You prick!You shot me in the tentacle!
Foreign alien: No problem; it will grow back. Listen, I forgive you brother – carrying around the burden of hate is worse for me than those I despise.
Butch: What on God's green Earth is he saying?
Dick: I don't know. Sound like some tai-chi chwon fandango transvestite bullshit!
Commander: I don't know, I was thinking the exact same thing. See I recognize some of the words, but the sentiments seem simplistic and, well, foreign, if you will.
Butch: I don't understand what anybody's saying! I just wanna shoot!
Commander: Enemy's out there, boys! The enemy's out there!
Dick: No! the enemy's inside...
Foreign alien: Listen, guys, welcome! we've arranged a welcome party, with a tequila slide – good times. We'll get started with massages from attractive she-aliens, then, after hand release, we'll talk--
Commander: You better stop trying to buy my men off with your women! (*gun cocks*)
Dick: Ditto!
Butch: Yeah, I hate women!
Foreign alien: Oh, sorry. We mean no offense. Listen, we really need your help. We are a loving, peaceful race. Last menstrual moon cycle, an evil race of aliens invaded and began imposing their will on us. They enslave many of my people, steal our natural resources with no-bid contracts while destroying our culture. Can you help? Oh no! Here comes one of them now.
Evil alien: What are you saying, sharing scum?
Foreign alien: I was explaining to these manly space rangers how you've enslaved my people.
Evil alien: Of course we have – you've got resources we need, and besides which, we are evil and greedy. heheheheh!
Commander: I like this little guy. He's speaking a lot of sense, know what I mean?
Dick: Hey, you wanna go bass fishing?
Butch: Man, what's he saying?
Foreign alien: My god, you are a fucking moron. Listen, you two, please? These evil aliens are destroying our people and culture.
Evil alien: You're weak. You deserve to suffer!
Commander: He's got leadership skills on him too. This little fella's incredible!
Dick: Hey, Commander, awaiting your orders.
Commander: Hell, our mission is clear as mud, boys! and I do not believe in any manner of deviation! except of course for that one night in college when we had one too many wine spritzers. Are you calling me a deviant boy?
Foreign alien: No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Commander: Therefore, we must travel through space, meet strangers, and kill 'em good!
Dick & Butch: For democracy and liberty!
Commander: Hoorah!
Foreign alien: But I can give you wisdom!
Evil alien: And I can make you rich!
Commander: Alright, I've heard enough of this shit. You know the drill, fellas.
Foreign alien & Evil alien running away
Foreign alien & Evil alien: No, no, no, no.
Commander: Cook 'em!
(*gunshot*)
(republican space rangers) ?: Yeehee, hoo!
Country music plays in the background
Commander: That'll teach that son of a bitch what shock and awe means. You did a great job, boys. I'm proud of you. Oh, dammit Dick! I told you no bopping the baloney in outer space!
(*fap sounds*)
Dick: Sorry Commander, but this soldier is unable to stop thinking about your warm hairy embrace.
Commander & Dick: Republican Space Rangers!
Butch: Republican Rangers of Space. Oh shit. Er, wait...
Commander: Goddamit!
'Republican Space Rangers' narrator: When primitives light-years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again! REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS!
Republican Space Rangers ends.


Episode 456[]

Transcript
Theme song: "Republican Space Rangers!

Intergalactic war on terror,
We don't worry 'bout collateral damage or error!
cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty!
Sometimes we kill with undue glee (Oh, was that your home? Sorry!)
Gotta complete the mission!
Impossibly deny extraordinary rendition!
Spreading American values, sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two!

Republican Space Rangeeeeeeeers!"
Announcer: With the universe full of terrorists trying to infiltrate America, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS! They are Butch, the Commmander, and Dick! When we last met the rangers, they were bravely defending the borders of our universe from the horrors of illegal aliens.
Republican Space Rangers: Republican Space Rangers! Kill first, film it, and stick it on the internet later!
Announcer: Episode 456 - "Trouble Brewing Down South!"
Commander: I tell you what, boys. There is nothing like barbecue space chicken to make you feel patriotic! Gentlemen, we are on the front lines of freedom right here! This is where our civilization ends, and a universe of untold savagery begins. Any illegal alien in my grids try to sneak through this checkpoint, our standing orders are to deport them permanently to H, E, double toothpicks!
Butch: (burps)
Dick: Amen!
Commander: Hoorah!
(The space chicken clucks inside the barbecue, and the Commander fires a shot from his plasma gun at it, charring it instantly)
Commander: Shut up and get tender, bitchass!
(Fires his gun again)
Butch: Hey, uh...how come I can hear that gunshot? You know, sound don't travel through no space.
Dick: Huh? Oh...God DAMN IT, BUTCH! YOU'RE FUCKIN' UP OUR CHARACTER CONTINUIT-AH! You're supposed to be dumb as sticks!
Butch: I'm just sayin', all them space movies you hear, you know, with them lasers and ships flyin' by...but you can't hear nothin' in space for real. Space is a vacuum cleaner, full'a dark matter, and impossibly dense.
Dick: I got some impossibly dense dark matter for you. (farts) Mmm, mmm...dinner's ready, boys.
(Butch and Dick laugh)
Commander: Oh! Holy snap an asshole!
Dick: Hey, look at you, Mr. Fuckin' self-improvement elitist with your fancy learning. Hey look, I got all the educations I need. It's called a guuuun.
Commander: Holster that weapon, soldier! Need I remind you that dark matter is what we're supposed to stop from creeping into the blessed homeland?! Butch, what are you, some kind of elite son of a bitch now? Yeah, livin' up in your ivory tower, listening to your...jam bands and your...rap music and whatnot?! Are you social networking on me, boy?
Butch: Uh, Commander. I-I read all this on them internets...
Commander: Internets?! So help me, you better not have yourself a blog, boy! The Internets! Well, she ain't for learnin'! She's for postin' unsubstantiated lies on message boards, calling people fags and foreign n' shit! Do you read me?!
Butch and Dick: Yes sir!
Dick: A-And chattin' with underage girls with large hairy hands and Adam's apples and thick ankles that don't shave!
(Record scratch)
Commander: Uh, anyway...you two shut your beer holes and be on the lookout for illegal imm-a-grants!
(My Country Tis of Thee plays)
Commander: They're a scourge, I tell you, gentlemen. Why, when my people came to this country, the last thing they wanted was to be joined by a lot of foreigners once the place was full! It's just like the constitution says -- we the freaking people! I repeat! We the freakin' motherfuckin' people!
(Record scratch, followed by an alarm blaring)
Butch: D'oh! Hey, we've got a live one there, fellers!
(Cut to a starving, presumably homeless, alien carrying a bowl and wearing a cardboard sign that says "PLEEZ HELP")
Commander: Woah! Incoming combatant! Lock and load, prepare fire, boys, on my command! Fire!
Commander, Butch, and Dick (while shooting the alien): Wee! Wooh!
Butch: Oh, baby!
Dick: You try to soil this gistin' outpost to the homeland with your funny language and meringue-ay hoohah, and I'll shoot a load right in your fart box, boy!
Commander: Uh...y-yeah. Anyway, it's another great day for spreading freedom, boys! What say we hit the hay--oh, but before we go...Julio! Ahbed! Ming-ho! Get your sorry tentacle arses out here on the double!
(Ahbed farts out a duster)
Julio: ¿Si, señor Commander?
Dick: Oh, Julio, Julio, Julio...we said it a million fuckin' times! Let me be very clear! God speaks English! My Bible is in English! I am English! This am Englandish! SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH!
Julio: Si--si--sorry, señor bossman! England very pretty!
Dick: IS very pretty!
Commander: Cut the crap, the two of ya! England is full of homos! Anyways, listen up, Julio! While me and the real heroes catch some Z's, you zeros give the ship a little cleaning and a good once-over! You people are good at that, aren't you? Listen up, my alien friend! The American dream begins under the table! Untaxed at $1.50 an hour! You don't like it? I'm calling immigration come morning!
Julio: Si, señor.
Dick: Alright, now, vamos amigos! (coughs) Damn heathen language makes m' mouth taste like turd just speakin' it! Hit the fuckin' rack, boys!
(Faint Latin pop music can be heard from the outside as the Commander can be heard snoring)
Dick: Uh, Commander, you asleep?
Commander: Wha--huh? Grab your socks, it's a reh--what!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BUNK, SOLDIER!?
Dick: Hi, uh...I got cold, and I keep thinking I hear crickets, you know--
Commander: Oh, Goddamnit, Dick, those ain't crickets! That's my new bangle sleep machine! See, it plays soothing sounds that help me sleep! Comforting things, like the sound of crickets, or rifles cocking or, aliens cowering, or flags unfurlin'...Now get your ass back to your bunk and get some shut-off, soldier! That's an order! ...and leave my teddy bear.
(Light turns off, and Butch gets off the ship at 3:32 AM in the next scene)
Alien: Oh, thank you so much for coming. My family is starving!
Butch: So, I-I brought you some beans. Y'all people like that, right? Beans...
Alien: Anything.
Butch: Oh...I'm so confused.
Alien: But why?
Butch: Well, you're filthy alien scum. And I got a mandate here from the Lord God Almighty and Weazel News to kill you, but...I just want me a new friend...will you be my little buddy?
Alien: But I...I-I don't know, what do we have in common? I like reading and art and philosophy and studying the universe. What do you like?
Butch: I like TV, and breakfast buffets, 'n' mega churches, 'n' rodeo, 'n' killin' people...only...I don't really like that last part...I'm so confused, alien scumbaggy, I'm all alone! (cries)
Alien: Now, now, now please, please. What about the other two psychotic rednecks in there? The one with the murderous rage, and the inbred one always complaining about his sweaty groin? They seem like your kind of people.
Butch: Oh, yeah, man. I mean, uh...I like Butch and the Commander and all that, but...we don't have so much in common no more.
Commander: That's because we ain't butt-fuckin' queers!
Butch (off-screen): Oh, shit!
Commander: Unlike you and this intellectual elitist cocksucker!
Alien: I beg your pardon?
Commander: Consortin' with the enemy, huh? Givin' him comfort, are ya!?
Dick: You might as well be pink sock in the motherfucker!
Commander: Hoorah!
Butch: Hey, y'all been there since beans, haven't you?
Alien: Hey, excuse me, but how can I be homosexual? I had 14 kids. That is until you KILLED most of them!
Commander: Exactly, motherfucker, natural selection's what we call it! The way the good Lord intended it! Would've been all of 'em dead if my plasma gun hadn't locked. It's all a clever design, my alien friend. Teach the controversy. Hey! Stop starin' at my penis.
Alien: Oh, please.
Commander: Fuck you, ya fudge-packin' alien scum! Get this straight, boy, I ain't marryin' you! Because it's...it's illegal! And...and fuck you, Butch!
Dick: Hey, I bet that alien's demon seed is going to burn its way into your brain. It's got control of you, Butch!
Butch: No, Dick. Commander, he--he's just my...my friend.
Commander: Your friend!? Horseshit, you gay-ass motherfucker! (fires his plasma gun) Dick! New orders! We got queers to kill! Butch likes alien cock!
Alien: Uh, Butch, hurry this way.
Dick: Hey, Butch! Just 'cause you suck cock, it don't make you gay as long as the lights are off! I grew up on a farm! ...Where are these homos?
Commander: Oh! There they are! They're gettin' away!
Butch: I can't believe I've become a traitor. We're like outlaws now. You gon' call me the bandit?
Alien: Oh, they'll probably hang you.
Butch: Oh, no...I didn't join the Space Marines for this! I signed up to protect Earth and kill foreigners and have video games made about me.
Alien: Life is complicated.
Butch: I know, I saw that commercial.
(The alien ship's screen turns red, reading "Warning! Incoming fascists" above an image of the Republican Space Rangers' ship)
Butch: Oh, man, it's them! We got a smokey on our backside, little buddy!
(The Commander appears on the red screen)
Commander: Listen up, Butch! Your backside is really gonna be smokin' when I'm done with you, do you read me over?
Dick: Yeah! You stop your poontangin' around with insurgents! You are threatinin' our way of life! You shall be liquidated like bad debt!
Commander: With no rescue bill inside, motherfucker! Insurgents, prepare to die!
(The alien ship passes through a halo, but the Republican Space Rangers' ship is stuck)
Alien: Oh, piss off, dickhead.
Dick: Watch this! I call it Operation: Shitstorm in a Basket!
(Dick activates Hyper Drive, but that does nothing other than leave the ship looking flaccid)
Commander: Oh. Oh, shit! All systems are offline! Ahhh! This can mean only one thing!
Dick: What?
Commander: CYBER TERRORISM!!
Dick: (sobs) Butch! We're runnin' outta air in here! It's like that choking game I liked to play with my dad...only it's real.
Alien: We've got to save your friends.
Butch: They called me gay! Maybe we oughtta just let 'em die.
Alien: It's called transference, buddy. It's basic Jungian psychology. From your planet. We have to save those morons or we'll be just as bad as they!
Butch: Well, okay then...
Butch: Hey! Y'all need to get in the seminal vesicle airlock and hit the eject button. We'll catch you!
Dick: I'm goin' out like I began!
Commander: Hoorah, motherfucker.
(The two of them are ejected out of the ship) Both: Ahhhhhhh!
Announcer: Will the Commander and Dick explode in the vacuum of space? Will Butch become a granola-eating liberal pinko? Will the Commander offend any other minorities?
Commander: Taking a handicapped woman against her will!
Announcer: Will the alien sign a book deal with a women's magazine discussing conflict resolution in your marriage? Will liberals ever stop hating America?
Crowd: NO!
Republican Space Rangers: Find out next time, only on Republican Space Rangers!
Announcer: Republican Space Rangers!

Episode 4[]

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Transcript
Theme song: "Republican Space Rangers!

Intergalactic war on terror,
We don't worry 'bout collateral damage or error!
cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty!
Sometimes we kill with undue glee (Oh, was that your home? Sorry!)
Gotta complete the mission!
Impossibly deny extraordinary rendition!
Spreading American values, sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two!

Republican Space Rangeeeeeeeers!"
Narrator: With the world turning more socialist by the day, who do you call? Republican Space Rangers! They are...Butch, the Commander, and Dick.
(Text scrolls upward, just like in Star Wars)
Narrator: In our last episode the Rangers bravely attempted to save America by assassinating the President. Elated that his approval rating shot up to 98%, President Zane pardoned the rangers and invited them for a low calorie beer and a work out at the White House.
Butch: I'm sorry we tried to kill you, Mr. President. We didn't like ya, 'cause you're an alien, and 'cause you's a liberal.
President: Haha, well, that's alright, boys, that's alright.
Dick: (BURP!) I-I'm kind of shit-faced! Hey, lemme show you somethin' funny! (pulls down his pants) If I tuck it between my legs, I look like a little girl, only hairy. Hoorah!
(Butch and the Commander cheer)
(Cut to underneath Fort Flaccid)
Commander: Well, I can guaran-Goddamn-tee you that that's gonna be the last time we ever get invited back to the White House!
Dick: I'm sorry, Commander. Hey, they can always rebuild that stupid monument, right?
Commander: Perhaps. But they won't be able to get the wee-wee stains out of the First Lady's cocktail dress! You do love a blackout, Dick.
Dick: Always have!
Soldier: Gentlemen, if you can stay focused, I have a dangerous mission for you. I need you to pack this ammunition and hand it out at the mall.
Commander: Hoo-wee! We're givin' civilians live rounds? Exce-fucking-lent!
Soldier: Oh, no, no, no. Our new ammunition is knowledge.
Commander: Say what?
Soldier: These are military leaflets about how knowledge is understanding. The policy of "don't ask, you don't want to know" has been lifted. Your job is to head to the mall to recruit. The US military now allows anyone and everyone to be a Space Ranger.
Dick: What the fuck?!
Commander: Anyone? You gotta be shittin' me, egghead! Listen up! I will not, repeat, WILL NOT serve with women or open homosexuals.
Butch: Oh, I love the mall! If you peek over the top of the changing room, hoo-wee! It's like a live show.
Dick: I ain't handin' out no fruity-cake leaflets! I need real military hoedown shit! I mean, entire planets on fire, screaming children, you know, that sort of thing.
Soldier: Also, here are your new squadmates under our rewritten tolerance policy. Private Luke...
Luke: Sir.
Soldier: ...and First Sergeant Vanessa.
Vanessa: Commander!
Commander: A g-g-g-GIRL?!
Butch: Girls fight like kitty cats.
Dick: And a-a-a gay dude?! How am I supposed to focus on killing the enemy's family and burnin' his house down if I'm worried about some guy lookin' at my hoo-ha?!
Butch: Now is a hoo-ha on the front or on the back?
Dick: Depends, I'll show ya. It's in the back now!
Butch: It's in the back.
Luke: I can assure you, that's not an issue. I've been in numerous theaters of war, and won top honors and only have one piercing.
(Luke's teeth sparkle with a "ding" sound effect)
Commander: The THEATER?! You queers are all the same! Singin' and dancin', and carryin' on with your musi-CALS and whatnot!
Soldier: Soldiers, enough! Get to your bunks! Reveille at 0600 hours, mall at 0900.
(In the next scene, Dick and Luke are in a heated battle against some aliens)
Dick: Shit, we're pinned down! Throw a grenade and I'll flank 'em.
Luke: Dick?
Dick: Yeah?
Luke: I want you. I fantasize about being physically and emotionally intimate with you, and rubbing things all over your...
Dick: Woah, woah, woah! Stop right there! GAAAHH...DAMNIT, I knew this would happen if they let fruits in the fucking Space Rangers! Listen! Your kind has no business in the military.
(Luke shows up behind Dick and massages his shoulders)
Luke: How does this feel?
Dick: Oh, well, it's a...it's a...that's a fucking...serious distraction right there.
(The two of them make out while smooth jazz plays in the background)
Dick: On my bottom...take me! GIVE IT TO ME!
Luke: Ohh...yes! YES!
(The two of them moan loudly as heart-shaped fireworks light up on the battlefield)
Luke (with the Commander's voice): Dick, you dumb shit, wake up!
(Record scratch)
Commander: Wake up!
Dick: What, where, why, how, me?
Commander: What the hell were you dreaming about there, soldier?
Dick: Uh...race cars...uh...titties! Uh, b-b-b-bacon, bacon titties! An idealized vision of the past?
Commander: I sure as hell hope so, son, especially the latter. Now, you get your ass movin'! We've got to report to the recruitment kiosk at the mall!
(A "boing" sound effect is heard as the Commander swats Dick's hand away from his head)
(Cut to a sign for the Dark Matter Mall, reading "Buy things you don't need. It will make you happy!" in all caps)
Butch: Say, ain't this beautiful?
Commander: It is beautiful, son. About the most Goddamn beautiful thing I've ever seen.

The Cast[]

Character Description Image
Commander He is the leader of the squad and the only true neoconservative character in the series. He is always seen with a cigar in his mouth, even while sleeping. He shows disdain toward social networking, saying that "a real man hates himself silently". He is voiced by Bill Lobley in all four appearances. Commander100
Dick Dick seems to be second in command. He has a mustache and wears a red headband. He hero-worships the Commander and always makes suggestive comments. He is a closeted homosexual, and had sexual desires for him and Private Luke. Dick proclaims that he was raised on a farm and hides the fact he was molested by his uncle. He is voiced by Lloyd Floyd in all four appearances. Dick100
Butch Butch is the tall, obese pilot of the ship. He has a hillbilly-esque voice and is the dumbest of the three. He drools excessively when he talks, and his helmet's visor has his own spit on it. He is shown to be incredibly gluttonous and uncaring for manners, as he dirties his suit and visor with beer and chicken wing stains. Butch's stupidity is often exemplified by groupthink actions and his primitive desire to kill on sight, even though he "don't really like that". He becomes a fan of blogging and the Internet by Episode 456. He is voiced by Jim Conroy in all four appearances. Butch
Vanessa She is ranked First Sergeant and is the first female member of the team. Although she wasn't greeted kindly by Commander during their first encounter, Vanessa isn't seen offended anymore as the story goes. She is the least talkative person in the group and shares some visual similarities to the Commander. She is voiced by Jen Cohn in her latest appearance. Vanessa
Luke Luke is ranked Private and is the only openly homosexual person in the squad. Not much is known about him, but he was said to be a responsible soldier and a war veteran; however, this was all dismissed by Commander and Luke is later killed by him at Dark Matter Mall. He is voiced by Adam Sietz in his only appearance. Luke

Theme Song[]

"Republican Space Rangers!
Intergalactic war on terror,
We don't worry 'bout collateral damage or error!
cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty!
Sometimes we kill with undue glee (Oh, was that your home? Sorry!)
Gotta complete the mission!
Impossibly deny extraordinary rendition!
Spreading American values, sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two!
Republican Space Rangeeeeeeeers!"

The Ranger Pledge[]

"Oh I'm a Space Ranger!
A Ranger tough and strong.
On my honor, I will do my best,
and never try to get along
Oh I'm a Space Ranger!
Behold the end of my gun
You better learn God speaks English,
your pathetic culture we shun
Oh I'm a Space Ranger!
For God and Country I'll die
I pay no attention to human rights,
laws and rules just don't apply
Oh I'm a Space Ranger!
Keeping the universe safe from you
Gay sex is an abomination,
but two hot lesbians will always do!"

Website[]

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RepublicanSpaceRangers

The show also has its own website on the in-game Internet in GTA V – Republicanspacerangers.com.

Gallery[]

Merchandise[]

Tops[]

Outfits[]

Videos[]

First Episode (GTA IV)
The Lost and Damned Trailer - Republican Space Rangers
Episode 456: Trouble Brewing Down South (EFLC & TLAD)
Homecoming (EFLC & TBOGT)
Episode 4 (GTA V)









Trivia[]

Grand Theft Auto IV and Episodes[]

  • During the mission Heavy Toll in The Lost and Damned, Johnny Klebitz insults Malc on how his gang dresses, quipping that they dress like the Republican Space Rangers.
  • In Episode 456, when Butch is talking to the alien outside of the ship, he refers to the other two rangers as "Butch and the Commander," when he should have said "Dick and the Commander". This might be a testament to his stupidity, or a simple mistake by his voice actor.
  • In Episode 456, the alien that Butch leaves Dick and the Commander for says "life is complicated," to which Butch replies "I know, I saw the commercial" may reference the teaser trailer for Grand Theft Auto IV as Niko's narration opens with this line.

References[]

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