| Maurice Chavez: |
Thank you, guys. So, we're back on Pressing Issues, just one of many fine shows you'll hear if you have the patience to listen to public radio, although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing Issues has extended playtime and is the #1 rated show in the Vice City area. I'm your very entertaining host, Maurice Chavez, a man climbing the broadcasting ladder at a rate of 6 nuts. Six years ago, I was a clown, and now, I'm a success! (chuckles) Think about it, imagine where I could be in ten years? I could achieve anything. Anyway, morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our ancestors, shortly after discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over the head, and discovered how to make meat to celebrate with afterwards. Then, Columbus came over, shut down the Pilgrim discourse. Why? All very confusing, if you ask me. And you did, and I asked myself: that is a perfect subject for a region-wide discussion show, which is very lucky because I happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality, we have firebrand preacher Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Organization, a group which plans to raise enough money to build a statue of Pastor Richards himself. We also have Jan Brown, leader of Moms Against Popular Culture, or MAPC, or is it MAPS? MAP-que, uh, I don't know. We're deep in acronym hell right now, or is it purgatory? And, finally, we have Barry Stark, author of the book "As Nature Intended". He's the editor of Vice City's Naturist News, and is working fieverishly, it says here "to bring more nude recreation to Vice City". To protect the dignity of our other panelists, we placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider. |
| Barry Stark: |
I'm naked back here! It's my right as a person! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Yes... Let's start with the obvious, yes? Is it moral to be naked? |
| Barry Stark: |
Yes! You can't stop me. |
| Jan Brown: |
Well, I'm a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day. My adorable kids have learned that it's wrong to be naked! When it's bath time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That's-that's also a reason there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad, naughty things! |
| Barry Stark: |
Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven't worn clothes since 1982. Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn't you guys learn anything from the 60s? I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany. I always felt very constricted, then it hit me like a slippery fish. Clothes are plain wrong! When you're born, you're not wearing any clothes. When you die, you're not wearing any clothes. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I'm going to have to interrupt you there. What if you die at work? What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you're working? |
| Barry Stark: |
Clothes lead to immorality, nudity stops people from fighting! Have you seen an issue of National Geographics lately? People around the world are nude. You don't wanna shoot a machine gun, or a howitzer, or a flamethrower if you're naked. It could burn or scold in quite a personal fashion. Quite frankly, have you been to the zoo? Animals are naked. If everyone were naked, there'd be no war. Everyone's complaining about crime, and the theft of cars in the city. No one's ever stolen my car, no one's ever pickpocketed me, they've never even tried. |
| Barry Stark: |
If the police were naked, it would set a great example to everyone. You can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff. |
| Pastor Richards: |
Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I'm building a Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah had an ark, Texans had the Alamo, and I'm building a highly fortified structure in my image. Simple. This 50-story statue will be able to deflect alpha, gamma and beta radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon when the artificial suns will reign down to punish the degenerates of this city, but you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community. We have canned food rations, private living quarters and enough supplies to survive happily the predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with funding from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets, so when the poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of the people who have saved themselves through generous donations, blast into space and colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent people ruled by me. |
| Barry Stark: |
Hmm, will there be naked people? |
| Pastor Richards: |
No, turdbrain! It's morally corrupt people like you we're shielding ourselves from: liberals, degenerates, the Welsh, they're the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today, the crime in the streets, the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future of hopelessness. Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick and should be shot, I'm afraid to say. We need to build a place to escape these transgressions! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Phew, heh heh, that's extreme stuff, Pastor! What, we'll leave amateur eugenics for a minute and ask our other panellist. Jan, you're a mom, so you know everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you think Pastor Richards stole his ideas from a movie or book? |
| Jan Brown: |
Well, yes, I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special, they go to special classes! N-I-I teach my kids history to give them perspective. Last night, I was telling them about how Magellan sailed around the Strait of Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave him supplies. Um, then he had to kill all of them, and that's an important lesson about life. If you look at nature, you'll see many species that eat their children to protect them. Th-this is especially true of hamsters. It's about putting the family first. That's really important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from. And if you don't like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Okay, but, uh, excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but, I don't think I understand... |
| Jan Brown: |
Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology, and working out what's best for my kids and screw anyone else! That's what this country's all about. I mean, I mean I saw the hippies, what a load of claptrap! What-what's your kid gonna do at a school with a name like "Moonbeam" or "Wave" or "Horseradish" or whatever they call him? How can you take your kid to a Little League game when you live in a communal farm growing drugs?! It's awful! And that's what my life is about: looking down on others. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Yes, I think I can see that now. Moving on. Pastor Richards, in your book, you talk about putting yourself first, and how people should not make sacrifices or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate? |
| Pastor Richards: |
Oh, that's right. People need to learn how to take care of themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do for someone that needs help is to tell them to help themselves, that builds moral character, morality, Maurice! There's not much left in this city, every time a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping your fellow man, we get thrown into the dark age...look at Russia. They keep trying to help each other out, extend a hand to a neighbor, and guess what? Every 10 years, someone's invading, burning down their homes and taking their toilet paper. Napoleon, Stalin, Attila the Hun, all of them! After you read my book, you will understand I may have been born in the sea, but I'm no dummy. |
| Barry Stark: |
Ugh, are we gonna talk about being naked? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
(nervously) Yes, soon, Barry. Keep your hair on and-uh, calm down, please, my friend. (clears throat) Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, vampire sightings at the mall, can the family be saved? Or, to put in another way, if we're meant to be monogamous, why aren't we born already married? Jan, over to you. |
| Jan Brown: |
Well, since I'm a happily married mother, I know the family unit is the basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or away on an extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I understand just how important the family unit is in life. He's working hard, so I can get another station wagon with even more wood on it. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Go on, tell me more about your family. |
| Jan Brown: |
Well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it is one planet, even if we do just want to maim and kill each other, especially me. Now, look at sharks and sandworms. Oh, and one of my hobbies besides making babies and criticizing people is biology. You learn so much from nature! People these days, they don't grow their own food. They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the supermarket. (chuckling) Let me tell you, there's nothing super about that place! Kids these days don't know how to preserve and can their own food. Now, no wonder all they wanna do is play video games or hang out with their friends. What is it, the Degeneratron? What a crock of shit! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
(chuckling) Hey, watch your language. This is radio, we have regulations about that sort of thing. |
| Jan Brown: |
But you let a naked man on! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Eh, he's behind the screen, you can't see him, it's not that exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a ponytail and a nasty rash. You get the picture. |
| Jan Brown: |
Imagine one? I married one! Anyway, what was I saying? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Eh, you were discussing the Degenatron, which I understand is a games machine, then you swore. |
| Jan Brown: |
I'm sorry, it makes me so mad! I mean, when I heard my son, Patrick III, I heard him using slang words in the house the other day: "rad" and "cool" and "stick it"... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be spoken properly! |
| Jan Brown: |
No, don't interrupt me, I've got children, you know. Please, this is really important, it's about the family! Look, look, nobody knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore, nobody knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before that tractor pole accident, my daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig. That's very useful information. Oh, sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother, I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did it for my family and I'll do it again! Feeding the family is my job as a mother. Daddy earns money and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my pills? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Barry, you look like you've got something to say. |
| Barry Stark: |
I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together naked are the best kinds of families. You see, social class distinctions disappear when everyone is naked. I can't tell if you're rich or poor, black or white, it doesn't matter 'cause we're all naked. Designer clothes? Try designer nudism! My body was made by the best designer around - mother nature. That's why we're lobbing to build a naked casino in Vice City so old people can gamble naked and poor people can lose hope in the buff. |
| Pastor Richards: |
It is written, chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, "He that gambles his money away is a fool, but he who believes in me will go to spend eternity in space with other affluent, well-to-do people". It's that simple, do what I say and you won't have to think for yourself! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Oh, but I think it is, Pastor. We look around, nudie clubs, discos, drinking, do people want to be moral? Can you legislate morality? Can we tell people how to live their lives? |
| Pastor Richards: |
Absolutely. Yes, of course I can. Just look at Prohibition or, or the Cultural Revolution in China, we can learn a lot from history. Chairman Mao or Stalin, they purged their lands of degenerates and entire lectuals, the scum of the Earth in my book, and look at the great societies they built, people want to be told how to act, and most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my teachings appeal to. This lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and without boundaries, how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what's good and what's evil, you need someone to tell you so. Single moms have obese kids, it's a fact, while rich people have a lot of guilt, unnecessarily, in my opinion! |
| Jan Brown: |
I agree. I don't think these people understand just how hard it is to potty-train. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopie. My kids are big-boned and they eat prunes every day, but that's what's wrong with this country, all of this emphasis on being thin and healthy. When my children are hungry I hand them a spear and send them out to the park to catch their own food. They're learning how to be self-sufficient! Yesterday, my youngest Jono, killed the postman, but at least he was trying. So, I gave a cuddle, I told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
...Okay. It's time to take a break before we hear about any more criminal acts against government employees. You are listening to Pressing Issues, morality is the subject at hand, let's explain exactly how free radio without commercial breaks works. We'll be right back. |
| The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
You're listening to VCPR, finally, a radio station for teachers and librarians! You've been enjoying Pressing Issues, but as is normal, you can't listen to hours worth of programming on this station without us begging for money. It's the bi-daily beg-a-thon here on VCPR, where we hold your favorite shows hostage until you pony up some cash. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
You know what's so great about VCPR? It's like a shining torch of cultural enlightenment for Vice City. In these times of darkness, when the hordes are so uneducated they can barely understand multisyllabic phrases like "Clean my shoes better, Marisa, or I'll report you to the IRS!" or "dialectical materialism". Isn't it pleasant to have a patronizing voice on the radio? |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
That's right, Michelle. With the way things are going under Reagan, at any moment, the unwashed huns from the Midwest could descend upon Vice City and enslave the poets and postal workers, and force us to watch network programming. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
That is a frightening thought. But like many things in life, you can throw your money at something and feel better about yourself. VCPR is your public radio station, but you have to open your wallets. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
People who see that show say it's difficult to put into English. That must mean it's spectacular! |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Yes, but if you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now! Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio. (whispering) Useless, talentless asshole. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
(whispering) You're correct, he is an asshole. |
| The program resumes to the "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I love those guys. Really professional and living proof that all of the best talent isn't on commercial networks. These people do it for love, because they have integrity, just like me. We're back with Pressing Issues, I'm Maurice Chavez, winner of 5 Public Radio Awards in the Vice City area, including "Best Voice". On this show, we take complex issues and boil them down to simple ones so you can understand. On this segment of the show, we're discussing morality. Since the beginning of time, man has asked questions: "Why are we here?", "What time is it?" and "Is there a place around here a guy can get a drink?". Early man, as seen in the cave of Lascaux in France, questioned the morality of making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened there! Is it society's job to tell each other how to live? Recently, Vice City considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the streets after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn't get passed, but it made people think: if you don't vote, you get morons in charge. Is that moral? I'm not sure! Let's press the issue! |
| Barry Stark: |
Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew makes sense. You know how much money I save not having to wear trendy clothes? Read a history book! At the creation of the universe, the Big Bang, everyone was naked, even you. Why do I have to stay behind this divider? Maurice, please! |
| Pastor Richards: |
Because nobody is interested in seeing your "business", because we have standards of decency, which you are offending. |
| Barry Stark: |
(jumping) Look at me, I'm jumping up and down! |
| Jan Brown: |
Oh my goodness, get back behind that divider, please, I'm married! |
| Barry Stark: |
What's so wrong with me? Why do you hate me, because I'm happy?! Jan, gimme a hug, I won't hurt you. And by the sound of things, your husband is doing the same right now with his secretary. |
| Jan Brown: |
No, we worked through it. He was stressed, it's hard keeping a family together these days. |
| Barry Stark: |
Everyone, take your clothes off and feel what it's like to be free of bondage! Everyone out there in Vice City, take your clothes off! If this is the land of the free, let's start with our pants! Feel the wind from the air conditioning, uh, a breeze is so liberating! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Uh, thanks very much. Now, if you could get back behind that divider, Barry, please. Otherwise, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Thank you, n-now sit down. On Pressing Issues, we think it is very important to respect one another, to treat each other like we would like to be treated. |
| Barry Stark: |
I want a hug... |
| Pastor Richards: |
If you don't like the United States, son, why don't you move to Russia? I don't understand people in America today, they call this the Cold War, but it's hotter than Hell. Mark my words, any day now, you're sitting in school, passing notes and talking about the prom, when, suddenly, you look out the window and there are Russian paratroopers dropping in to take over! What can you do? Run into the woods with your friends, call yourselves "The Wolverines", put twigs in your hand, try to beat back the Russkies? No. You hightail it to Pastor Richards Salvation Statue and blast off into space, but there is a limited amount of space. That's why I suggest anyone who wants the safety and security of your own bunker, give now! Call 1-866-9-SAVEME. We'll get you on the payment plan and if you paid in full on D-Day, you and your family will be safe, if not, you may have to choose to save yourself and leave the others behind... |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Hey, hey hey hey, stop selling things on my show. You're not a value sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy. |
| Jan Brown: |
I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters. We can learn so much from other cultures. Did you know in India, the women protest by setting themselves on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I may just douse myself in kerosene! I use that as a threat to my kids all the time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up. That's one of the tough things about being a mom, not ruining their lives with guilt. As a matter of fact, I don't let my kids watch cartoons or slasher flicks. |
| Jan Brown: |
That Knife After Dark movie may be #1 in the box office, but my kids certainly ain't gonna see it. If you don't raise your kids right, they end up being like nude boy over there, or working in radio. I want them to get proper jobs, like being a doctor, not a patient. |
| Barry Stark: |
That is offensive. My mother understood I was special. She made me wear a button as a child, and when I demanded to go to school naked, she was fine with it. After social services moved me, she would still write to me. I still remember when she kissed me goodbye. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
But Barry, earlier, you said you discovered naturism, taking your clothes off, whatever it is in Germany. |
| Barry Stark: |
I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues. Look at me. P-please, Maurice? I need a hug. |
| Pastor Richards: |
There's another example of immorality in this city - public showing of affection. People think we want to see them making out and carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you want to ravage one another like there's no tomorrow, but you have to ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling, like construction. We're building a statue and we need your help, call me now! |
| Jan Brown: |
You know, pretty soon you won't be able to tell who's a human and who's an android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school, it might be an android, suck your brains out. You must've seen the mini-series of it on television? I've read it in a book. We've got to stop looking at the stars, all the science fiction and focus on the family! N-if you really wanna dance like you're on the moon, go there and leave us in peace! And that's a fact. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Ye-uh, what's a fact? |
| Jan Brown: |
I'm sorry, Maurice, but I have to tell you. I moved to Florida to bring my kids up the American way, in a theme park, and that's just the kind of person I am - opinionated and moronic. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I see. Well, this panel is certainly interesting. The issue is morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aid to Alaska with a song "Do They Know It's the 4th of July?". Critics complained it's immoral to meddle in the affairs other peoples and cultures. Pastor Richards... |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Uh, what do you make of meddling in other people's business like an opinionated sociopath? |
| Pastor Richards: |
Well, let me say, that money could've gone to much better things, like reserving a place by side in the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Stop doing that! |
| Pastor Richards: |
Don't interrupt me, boy. Anyhoo, I address the Alaska issue in chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple. They eat whales, and snow, and they sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow every day? Oh, I tried to help, I sent a helicopter with copies of my book, but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Yes, but don't you think it's important... |
| Pastor Richards: |
I think it's very important to listen to me, young man! That's what makes the state of Florida great - rather than helping prove where they are, people nationwide abandon their hometowns, come down here, and shove their beliefs down everyone else's throats! That's the American way, always has been. We should send some pictures of Florida to those people in Alaska, I tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle up the sled dogs and get pulled all the way to Vice City, and I should know, I'm from Mars! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
No, you're not. |
| Pastor Richards: |
Uh...Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there. |
| Barry Stark: |
The problem with Alaska is that people don't get naked. If you can't work on your car, play the cello or use sharp knives in your birthday suit, then what's the point of living? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Uh, well, it is a bit cold there. People put on clothes when it's cold. We evolved without a warm covering of hair. |
| Pastor Richards: |
That's a lie, sir, we come from the great meteor of truth! |
| Barry Stark: |
Clothes are a habit, like shaving and taking out the trash. As soon as you stop, you realize what a prisoner you were to society and the twisted state of morality. People think that nudists are immoral. Well, we're not! I'm married, I love my wife, in our commune, it's so wonderful to wake up in a big bed and go to breakfast clothed in nothing but a smile. |
| Pastor Richards: |
What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?! |
| Barry Stark: |
Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians, and especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it's like to be by yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the radio, and the stick in your hand shifting gears over and over. Truckers realize there's nothing to be ashamed of on the open road. Get naked and beat it on down the line! You've never seen a sense of community and morality like a nudist colony. We share everything: the cooking, cleaning, wives, a shared sense of what it's like to be a complete social outcast. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Uh, wait right there, Barry, I'm getting something through the cats...uh, headphones, that is. Yes? Yeah, okay. Uh, we just want to tell you a little more about public radio funding. We'll be right back after this. |
| The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Hello, I'm sure you're enjoying our high quality programming. I'm Michelle Montanius. Jonathan, I think it's time to acknowledge the people who are sending money in to shut us up and end this dreadful beg-a-thon. |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Here's a $10 pledge from Fran in Little Havana. Wow, you'd think she could've given more than that? |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Yes. Mean bitch, I hope she dies an agonizing death! |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Absolutely, Michelle. And remember, if you want us to wish you well, dig deep and dig soon. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
That's right. At any moment, conservatives can vote to end our funding and place a fast-food restaurant where our studios are. See, there are some people that think everything has to make money. It doesn't, that's why you should give now! |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Correct. Next week is Environmental Week, sponsored by Maibatsu and the Vice City Power Corporation, and next month, we're celebrating Pruce's influence on Vice City, in association with the Degenatron. But, for now, let's return to Pressing Issues. Remember, VCPR is an advertising-free zone, much like the Moon or Times Square. |
| The program resumes to the "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Welcome back! The show is Pressing Issues, the subject is morality. I'm Maurice Chavez. Let's carry on pressing the issue. Now, when the Europeans were done ruining their continent with bland food and soccer riots and arrived in the Americas in the late 15th century, the subject soon turned to morality. You see, Europeans wanted to colonize America so they had somebody to make fun of. The Pilgrims left England for the religious freedom in Holland, where they visited coffee shops and after they packed up their ships with plenty of coffee, tea and cakes to liven up the trip, they set sail for the new world, which they heard had a magnificent rollercoaster. Once they got here, they were very hungry, having been on a ship for 65 days. So, they ate for 3 days straight. Thanksgiving quickly became an annual custom. America was founded by people who wanted a place where they could tell other people how to live. And I'm a history major. But do we have the right? The question: is it moral to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday that is clearly about gluttony, annoying relatives and awful casserole? |
| Pastor Richards: |
Well, I, for one, love a casserole, and at my weekly meeting, my congregation has a potluck. You see, a casserole is a lot like life, Maurice, and that's the basis of my philosophy. If you put a bunch of leftovers from the fridge in a pan and bake it, somebody will probably eat it. It's like my book: you believe in your favorite sports team, then they get massacred, you believe in gravity, then it turns upside down on you, you love your favorite TV show, then the network ends it with a lousy finale, but you can believe in me, and if you believe in something, support it. It's one thing to love something, but if you don't shower it with money, then just don't talk to me. Communism, don't make me puke my guts out, please! |
| Jan Brown: |
Well, I, myself, love casseroles on Thanksgiving. And the way to teach your children the rich history of America is through theme parks. I just love Pilgrim World, especially the part where you get to slaughter your own buffalo and take home the meat, or give the locals the flu while buying their land off them for a pittance. That's what children need! |
| Jan Brown: |
Wholesome activities that benefit the family. Now, what good is it if a kid plays Degeneratron for 5 hours? Oh, sure, he's killing space aliens, thank you very much, but it ain't putting food on the table, and he's learning bad language, like "mleep-bleep-bleep". When my family go out to dinner, we're starting from scratch, even if daddy is working late, again. We build our own spears, smear ourselves in dung and then wait in a swamp for something to come by. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
In the suburbs?! I bet your neighbors love you! How long do you wait? Don't you get arrested? |
| Jan Brown: |
Hey, mister, I'm married. Look at the finger. It has a ring. I've got children, for Pete's sake, stop eye-ing me up! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I wasn't... |
| Jan Brown: |
You were! I can see you undressing me with your eyes. Well, I tell you, I was a cheerleader and nearly a prom queen, and I could've married anyone, but I chose John. I chose him because he had a kind face and a rich dad. I didn't know he was gonna cheat on me or embarrass me. I didn't know. But I won't be made a fool of, I've got the children. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Okay, Jan, it's okay. Men are idiots. Ask my ex-wife! (chuckles) Don't worry, stay calm. I'm not eye-ing you up, but I am a little worried about you. How are the children? Do they enjoy school? |
| Jan Brown: |
Of course they do! That's precisely why I'm going to start home-schooling my children. High school is a cult! There's a group of savages that rule the roost and get all the girls and everyone else is picked on and abused. It happened to me and look at me: I'm a deranged mess and my husband cheats on me. I don't want my kids to go to a public high school! Instead, we have a prom each year in my living room. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
And that leads to my next question... |
| Barry Stark: |
People in high school and cheering are all naked! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I've about had it with you, Barry. I tried to be fair, I tried to be kind, but you are a freak, and a liar, and wasting everybody's time. The organs below the belt are for reproduction and removing of bodily waste. There's no reason that, when I go to buy a soda or a transmission, I need to be distracted by your privates dangling about. Now, when I go to the store to buy an air conditioning filter, I'd rather not have to look at your moneymaker, amigo! I'm glad you are proud of it, but when people of Vice City are in a quick-e-mart, they should be able to have a simple financial transaction without seeing your fire hose! Are you with me? |
| Barry Stark: |
Sorry, Maurice. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
That's okay. Just try to behave, I think the sun must've got to you, or something. |
| Barry Stark: |
Yes, maybe that's it. |
| Pastor Richards: |
Maurice, if I may, you have a fine show here, and-and I'm glad to be on it, but everyone within the sound of my voice and smell will die in the fires of doom. It is written: "TV is trash, radio is trash, our newspapers are run by Canadians with an agenda, our very way of life is threatened." We formed this great state to play golf, and I'll be damned if any weirdo hippies are gonna tell us we can't fill in wetlands and make a home for ourselves complete with 18-hole championship standard courses and selective admission. Heathens will ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we'll never hear my voice again, it will be anarchy! |
| Jan Brown: |
TV teaches immorality! Refugees, glue, the price of tea and China, how can we raise children in this environment? My little boy asked me the other day, "Mommy, are unicorns real?" What am I supposed to say to that?! Do I lie and make myself as bad as the boy's father? Or do I break the little boy's heart and ruin his life so that he ends up a nudist, or a freak, or something? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
It's a difficult question, Jan, a very difficult question. Is it right to lie? |
| Barry Stark: |
Clothes are a lie, Maurice! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
No, Barry, clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting arrested. |
| Barry Stark: |
No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon! |
| Pastor Richards: |
I'd like to hit you back to Hell, you sicko! You're filth, human form of vermin, a blight on the fine society of picket fences and garden parties, and everyone coming three times a day to my statue to pay homage! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Pastor Richards, as a human being, I have to say, I find your philosophy, or cult, or whatever it is, utterly and completely appaling. |
| Pastor Richards: |
Why, thank you! I knew you'd understand. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I mean, you seem to want to build a religion around yourself in some 1950s vision of America. It's the 1980s, man! And one-man-worship-me cults are not allowed, my friend. |
| Pastor Richards: |
Exactly, as I say in the great book: "Many are called, but unless you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself, you'll burn in Hell". |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Ay, por favor, shut up! B-Barry, what are you doing? |
| Barry Stark: |
I'm lonely, Maurice! Lonely, and I need some bodily contact! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Get behind, get back behind that panel! |
| Barry Stark: |
Don't be shy! Please, we've all got one. That means I'm happy. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Hey, stay away from me, I'm a celebrity! |
| Jan Brown: |
Oh, good lord... |
| Pastor Richards: |
Hide yourself, boy! I warn you, I'm armed and I'm not afraid to use it! |
| Barry Stark: |
We've all got one, look how free I am. Mmm, the fan feels so good. I feel you. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Hey, hey, Pastor Richards, please, put the gun away! Put it away! |
| Pastor Richards: |
NO! I am the sole judge of truth and decency! Get back, heathen, get back! |
| Barry Stark: |
I love you all. |
| Pastor Richards: |
EVILDOER! DIE, DEVIL, DIE! |
| A gunshot is heard. Barry moans in pain. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Dios mio, you shot him! Th-there's blood and pubic hair all over the studio! Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete pandemonium here on Pressing Issues with me, the multi-award winning and soon-to-be-executed Maurice Chavez... Barry? Are you okay? Are you alive? |
| Barry Stark: |
Stop the bleeding, it's down there... |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Uh, do I have to? Can't you get someone else? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Jan! Ay, dios mio, she's fainted! |
| Barry Stark: |
No. Hold it, harder! Oh, that's so good! I need mouth-to-mouth. Maurice, please, I might die. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Erhm, okay. Excuse me, I'm only doing this to save your life, I don't want to. |
| Barry Stark: |
Thanks, I'm getting cold. Quickly, it's okay to use tongues. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
EUGH! Get off of me, I'm happily divorced! |
| Pastor Richards: |
Shall I send him to Hell, Maurice? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Yes, I mean, no! No, you psychotic lunatic! Put that gun away, don't point it at me! |
| Pastor Richards: |
Or you'll what, son? You think I'm scared of your conventional, lilly-livid morality? You think you can tell me what to do? You think it's wrong for me to have five concubines to spread my jeans, or to use money from the statue for building my own palace in Hawaii? You think that's wrong, do you son? Do you? Huh, huh, HUH?! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
(nervously) No, no no, Mr. Pastor! It's alright. I think it's very right. Very right indeed. You're the boss, you're in charge, you're the king! |
| Pastor Richards: |
Damn right I am! Now I'll tell you about morality: morality is what I say is right and immorality is what I say is wrong! You gotta understand this. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
(clears throat) Oh, I do. |
| Barry Stark: |
Ugh, I'm bleeding...I need a proctologist... |
| Pastor Richards: |
Shut it! Now, next question. Ask me anything, ask me anything you want... |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Yeah, well I'd love to, but it seems that that is about all we have time for, actually. The thing is, you see, this is public radio, and every once in a while we need to appeal for money, or cut away when people start brandishing guns in the studio, like this! You're on Pressing Issues, and in this show we discussed morality. I think we've made a lot of progress and really came together. I'm Maurice Chavez, bye! Uh, please, don't kill me! |
| The "Morality" segment ends and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues. I certainly was. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Yes, it's certainly almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonathan! |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Wow, thanks Michelle. It is, isn't it? Before we let you get back to the show, I thought you'd like to know VCPR has managed to raise $30 this hour, which should keep us on the air for another...15 minutes, at least. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at D'Leo & Thurax, the fascinating show Legal Review will still run. But now, back to the Pressing Issues. |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Actually, before we let you get back to the show, I'd like to say something. I know that public radio may not seem very important in an era of poverty and famine and immense personal greed, but I can assure you it is, and not just because I say so. Look at the facts, 15 of the last 37 American presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared on VCPR in the last month. 33% of all Nobel Prize winners started out in public radio. Without public radio, we would never have discovered gravity, or the pizza, or the fact that a lot of people love to hear themselves rattle. Anyway, sermin over. I hope you folks at home understand how passionate we are about public radio, and it has nothing to do with the fact I got kicked off the networks. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
That was very moving, Jonathan. Back to the Pressing Issues. Where is the creep? Put him on! |
| The "Perception and Positive Thinking" segment of Pressing Issues begins. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Hello. As you may know, you're on VCPR, and this is Maurice Chavez. That is, I am Maurice Chavez. That's Cha-vehz, not Chaves, or Cha-viz, this isn't a game show. Sorry about the upbeat opening. This isn't a game show, it's a political and social debate on free radio, without adverts, and I'm still Maurice Chavez. Aye, next up on Pressing Issues, we tackle one of the most important issues in our country today: the issue of perception. Not credit card fraud, that's deception. But, we're talking about perception, how we percieve the world. These are optimistic times we're living in, a time of go-getters and doers. Our hero is the entrepreneur, the shaker and the maker. Positive thinking, we are told, is everything. Think it and we can do it, or can we? Let's press the issue. Now, personally, some days, I wake up and I look out the window, and I think it's great to be alive. Other days, like payday or my ex-wife's birthday, I want to hide under the pillows and cry. But that's me, a man of contradictions, as my therapist said. He was a youngie. But, whatever. I'm Maurice Chavez, and on our panel right now, we've got three very contrasting views about the issue of positive thinking. On my right, I have gothic artist, vampire hunter and, in his words, man of the night, Konstantinos Smith. Konstantinos, hello. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Greetings, mortal. I hope this is good, I'm missing a seance to be here. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
You don't sound excited to be here. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
No, man, I'm mind-numbingly depressed. It's great. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Okay, I'm going to have to interrupt you there. And on the left, I have positive thinker extraordinare, a man who dragged himself up from the gutter - Jeremy Robard. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, the ghetto, not the gutter! I didn't live in the gutter, I lived in the ghetto! I'm a survivor, not vermin, I'm from the streets! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, I can teach you how to be a survivor, too, all of you. I can help everyone. I've got what they call a gift for communications. I can help you all realize that gift, make something of yourselves, realize your dreams. I'm like a high school counsilor, I'll show you your potential, it's easy! All you have to do is follow my simple program on audio cassette or VHS. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Okay, okay, not right now. This isn't a commercial. And if you're not going to underwrite the station, I can let you read these blatant plugs. People pay for that. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, everything in life is an opportunity. When I was in jail, I got the idea for my current business, and look at me now, I got offices in Vice City, Bogota, Lebanese and Jamaica. If I can do it, I can help you make something of yourself. You can be just like me: a success. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Eh, enough, enough, no more. Not a word from you until you are called upon again. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
It's a three-stage process, Learn - Start - Doing. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Shut up! I'm warning you, this is my show, you shut your mouth! Shut it now and keep it shut! Do not push me, you shiny-suited prick. Do not push me! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, you have to dress to impress. I cover that in my program. People make judgements on who you are based on your appearance. Scientists say we form 98% of our opinions on the person in the first half-second we meet them. Hey, and if scientists say it, it must be true! I teach you how to live that. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Enough! This is Pressing Issues, enough now, okay, enough, please, no more! Okay, my last panelist is someone without a plan to sell, without a program, but with a beautiful message, so it says here. Vice City's civilian of the year for 1985, Jenny Louise Crab. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Thanks. How are you doing? |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Great, great. (laughs) And that time, fantastic! Did you see the sunrise this morning? It was gorgeous. I've been smiling all day ever since! (laughs) |
| Maurice Chavez: |
(chuckling) Okay. Now, let's get with the policy of ladies first, and since you seem to be the most pleasant person here, Jenny, let's start with you. You seem like a very happy person. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Oh, I am. (laughs) |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Really? Why? |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Well, life's great, isn't it? (laughs) I mean, good things come my way because I hold each one close, because I deserve it! |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
I bet you wouldn't be so cheery if you had the black plague. Jenny's living in a fictional world. Goths like me, we see the world for what it is: dark songs of the night, black nail polish, very tight black jeans, man. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Like, everything is great. Well, like, well, like everything! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Konstantinos, you're shaking your head. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
I know, Maurice. I am. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Any particular reason? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Yeah. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
What, then? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
There's only one thing good about life. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Uh-huh, and what's that? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Death. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Yeah, and dying, that's good too. And black, and the moon. At least, when you're dead, you can go around as an astral body and visit places like New Orleans. I love New Orleans, it's really hot and depressing. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Oh, death is good. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
What? I-if you're going to inherit a lot of money? |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Yeah, no, I mean, yes! But also if you can be positive and upbeat about things. I mean, like, my parents were brutally murdered a few years ago, yeah, and I was really bothered, but I kept smiling and I got a lot out of it! I'm a much better person today having dealt with that. They were killed so I can have a great personal experience, and I see that now. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Lucky bastards, I wish someone would kill me, then I could hang out in the graveyard all the time instead of just on weekends. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunity to learn about life. You can't control everything in life, so start a day with a smile and you'll end a day with one! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
What do you start a day with, Konstantinos? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Usually with a pint of blood at dusk, then I light some candles and cry. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
(softly laughs) |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Okay, moving on before we're all sick. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
No, Maurice, I do, because I won't be constrained by you. Life is cheap, man, and then you die. If you prepare for the afterlife now, you will be able to summon spirits. That's the truth of the Pentagram, man. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
How profound. You've obviously got a lot of important things to tell the world. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
The world is a lie, man. Only darkness is truth. I am very much like Vlad Dracula, born in 16-or 1431. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
(softly laughs) You're scaring me. I wish you would smile and be happy. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Okay, right, this isn't going that well. Look, uh... |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, can I say something? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
No. I'm still pissed off with you, you shoulder-pad-wearing shyster. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, hey, hey! Back down, buster, before I bust your balls! No confrontation. As they say in the movies: "I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing." Work with me. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
What do you want? A broken nose? Some spear in your eye? You're pushing me, man. I'm Maurice Chavez! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
I know who you are. You used to be a clown. I saw you at a Bar Mitzvah once. You had a great act! What, did you get tired of kids kicking you in the shin? Still, you were a first-class talent! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Yes, yes, great. But you lacked something. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Yeah, confidence, friend, confidence. You were all shot up with nerves. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
That can be arranged. We're talking about me, not Mr. Konstantinos Smith. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Yes, confidence, it's where it all begins: positive thinking. What are we talking about today, Maurice? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
(mumbling) I forget. Morality, no. Violence, no, (normal) the dirty guy without any clothes, yes, you're right! Positive thinking. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Exactly, friend. We're talking about you, Maurice Chavez. You couldn't cut it as a clown, but you're great, and I mean great as a public radio host! It takes a lot of work to be uppening your self-important all the time. Every cab I go in, the guys love you. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Hey, thanks. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, don't thank me, thank yourself. You've learned something, then you started something, and now you're doing it! That's what it's all about. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Yes, you thought your way to success. It's a 3-step program based on studying successful people, like me. Or, maybe Learn - Start - Doing is a little too intense for you. Maybe you should just Think - Hold that thought - Complete. I never had anyone complain about that program. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Stop that! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, I engaged with you, friend, and you're exchanging with me. I cover this in my second tape. One is a positive action, as practised by successful people like salesmen or prostitutes, and the other is a negative action, as practised by failures like whiners and judges. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Stop interrupting me. You gotta open your ears and close your mouth. It's very important, I tell my old lady that all the time, I say "Hey, I don't want to hear no complaining!". I come home with piles of cash every night and all you do is bitch. The learning starts in here and ends when we open this. Doing is a whole other story, but we'll come to that. Now, all you have to do is call me right away at 866-434-SELF, and for just one monthly payment, I will change your life forever, I promise you. I'll supply you with all the materials you'll need to completely change the way you see the world, guaranteed. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Oh, s-stop, stop right now, this is a debate program, not an infomercial! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, that's a great idea! Listen, friend, I mean this in a friendly way. Debating is a 'yes' or 'no' proposition. You need to open your mind to the maybes. We're discussing like friends, not debating like enemies. You see the difference? |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Yes, I do. I think it's so much fun to be on the radio. I'd listen more, but someone stole my radio when they killed my foster family. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
I hate everyone, apart from the undead. They're the only ones you can really get along with. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Well, that's a start. But even you, Mr. Long-hair-and-pale-skin, I can change your outlook, guaranteed. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
That's so great, like puppies! |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
I saw some dead puppies once. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Konstantinos, I've noticed you have a lot of negative thinking. Why the goth lifestyle? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Well, some say life is a tea party for zombies. Also, when you only wear black, everything matches. In fact, I'll keep wearing black until something darker comes along. It's a known fact that the best poetry is written when you're horribly depressed. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Hey, listen, I wrote a haiku: "Oh the red daisy, flowers retain all happiness, sunshine, yay, sunshine!" (laughs) |
| Jeremy Robard: |
You sound like you'd enjoy my program Motivate - Demonstrate - then Motivate Again! Nobody ever complained about that program. You hug people and you laugh like you never laughed before. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Let's get back to the topic at hand, eh? I've had enough of this weirdness. Jenny, let's start with you. How do you maintain such a positive outlook on life? It says in your bio that some awful things have happened to you. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
I don't think anything awful has happened to me. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
But it says that your-yo-yo-yo-your parents were brutally murdered! |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Mommy? Where's mommy? She's just fine, she's probably taking a nap. (laughs) You're like my bad doll, Mr. Livingston, he's a bad doll, bad doll, not like my other dolls! My mom's great, though, thanks for asking. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Okay, wow, you're psychotic and dosed up to the eyeballs on tranquilizers! |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
If it's psychotic to be happy, then I guess I am! (laughs) |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
A stalagmite grows an inch every thousand years. That's slow and painful, that's how I wanna live my life. If you can't see the misery, stay out of the kitchen. You may have noticed this on a tattoo, it's Egyptian and represents the breath of life, even in the afterworld. It's my key to eternal life after death. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, why don't you carry your keys in your pocket like everyone else? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Because only that which is burned or scratched into your flesh comes with you to the afterlife! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
(chuckles) I bet my ex-wife will be there waiting for me in the afterlife, the bitch is crazy! Hey, can you put a hex on my ex-wife, like some kind of spooky voodoo or something? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
I do dabble in the dark arts and magic. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or pulling quarters out of your ears. I'm talking voodoo, you know, "dance around with a chicken" voodoo. That bitch was a grass. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Why does everyone assume that just because we're goths, we're weird? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I dunno, the hood, cane, black fingernail polish may have something to do with it. What is the last time you've seen the sun? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
It's been over 18 years since I was out in open sunlight. I only leave the house if it's raining, or if I need milk. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Exactly. Listen, I was just like you at one time, except I didn't wear make-up. That would get you a firm beating where I grew up. I'm happy to give you a sample of my course Learn - Start - Doing. I promise you'll run out and buy some colored clothing and listen to some music other than people groaning on and on for half an hour about how it rains in Manchester. Life is what you make of it. Look at me, I got a condo, a hot tub, a lot of girls... |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Listen, you're really bringing me down, which is hard to do. I've been to the other side many times. Sometimes, I barely come back. It's all about astral projection, like right now, I'm projecting myself into the womens bathroom at the fairgrounds. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, that's a good trick! Maybe you and I should go into business together. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Oy, look, I've had enough of this lovefest. You, you're a motivational conman and you, you are a maniacally depressed loony with anaemia. You guys should hate each other! |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Did you see Love Fist? These guys are so super. Listen, I just wrote another poem: "If I had a flower for every time I think of you, I'd walk forever in a garden". |
| Maurice Chavez: |
And I just wrote a poem too: "Shut up, you weird pathetic people, this is my show, Maurice Chavez!" Capisce? Comprende? We're not here to recite poetry or sell motivation tapes or talk to dead people. We're here to press the issue. Anyway, let's take a break. We'll be right back after this important information from Vice City Public Radio. |
| The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
That's Pressing Issues here on VCPR, Vice City Public Radio. If you haven't given money to VCPR and you're listening to this station, you are a thief! |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
That's right, Michelle! You might as well throw a brick through the window and loot the place. How selfish you people are? This is public radio, serving the public with everything that is important, like me. So, come on, keep us on air, it's really important. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Send us your money! I'm going to say this over and over until you do. |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Yes, Michelle is known for her "beg-a-thon tantrums". She cares about this station, unlike you! Think of how much money you spend on drive-thru fast-food and commemorative plates. Take that money right now and send it, direct to me, Jonathan Freeloader, Starfish Island, Vice City. Now, back to the show, with Maurice Chavez, the asshole. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
You're correct, he is an asshole. |
| The program resumes to the "Perception and Positive Thinking" segment of Pressing Issues. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I'm Maurice Chavez, welcome back. I used to be a performance clown, now I'm running a debate show. Funny how things turn out, eh? (chuckles) Or is it? That's the question, you see. If we look up on life as a positive experience, do we make it any better? That's what we're discussing right now here on Pressing Issues. Free radio with free ideas, just keep those donations pouring in, don't sell out to corporations, we all need a voice, really, we do! And today, right now, we're giving a voice to three very different people discussing positive thinking, a healthy mental attitude. We got a very happy orphan, (Jenny softly laughs) and we've got a motivational speaker with a number of systems. So, let's start with you, Konstantinos, you strange creepy creature of darkness. Have you got a positive mental attitude? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
I like to think so. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Oh, really? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Misery and suffering - it's everywhere, man. And I actively want a fatal disease. What bad can possibly happen to me? |
| Maurice Chavez: |
You could win the lottery. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
The lottery? That's for people with hope. I don't enter the lottery. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
You could...damn! Y-you two, help me here! |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
I think he's great, I think he's really sweet. I love your hair, it reminds me of a big shaggy dog with long, greasy straight hair. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
You know, Chavez, this weird goth guy, he's got a point. I mean, in many ways, what he's talking about is covered in my 3-step program tape 17, "Motivate - Demonstrate - then Motivate Again Part 9: Facing Home Truths". You see, we all have to face up to a few home truths: I'll never be prom queen, Jenny will never have her parents, you'll never make it in the entertainment business. It's about realistic goals. I can change your life. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Uh, just a second, Robard. What isn't covered in your 3-step program? What don't you talk about in your library of congress-sized tape cassette library? Whatever we talk about: greed, goths, depression, changing lives, who are you? What have you done that's so great? You wear a cheap suit, your hair is stuffed rigid with spray, your breath stinks of whiskey, you-you look like you sell drugs to people! You're a joke, boria, a bad joke! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Oh, now this is getting personal. I come on your cheap-ass show, I spare my valuable time, I cancel several important speaking engagements, I talked to thousands of VIPs in order to spread a message of hope, and this is how I get treated: I get insulted by a man with dandruff, I get slandered by a guy who couldn't amuse a birthday party of 9-year olds, I get attacked by a guy who works on a volunteer radio! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
This is not volunteer radio, I earn a salary! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
How much? How much do you earn, Chavez, big man, tough guy with a microphone and a cheap jacket, and a look that says "My highest hope in life is to work in a bookstore"?! I'm a go-getter, you're a cheapskate. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
You're a fraud with nothing to tell people, and no way of helping people. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Excellent, I'm really loving this. I hope one of them gets killed. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Shut up, dork! |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Oh, the bunnies are stabbing each other! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Shut up! I have a condo, I have a hot tub, I vacation in Aruba... |
| Jeremy Robard: |
"Vacation" is not a verb, moron. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Yes, it is, because I'm a VIP! I'm very important, and I'm a teacher, a wiseman, not an opinionated dope, a naysayer sitting on his side of life, criticizing others while all he can do is get a crappy gig down at a moron station, a man who lives with his mother. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
I'm between apartments. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
And I'm between mansions, buster, from helping people! You know how good it feels to be me? Do you have any idea, any idea at all how great it feels to wake up and realize you're a rich and talented important person, and in a waterbed with mirrors on the ceiling and more girls than you can imagine? And every time I step outside the door, I can choose which car to drive, if I choose to drive. I have 5 chauffeurs. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
No, you haven't! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Yes, I have! |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Sweep it under the carpet, that's my motto! (laughs) If I can't see it, it's not there! (laughs) |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but I know you live in a very small apartment overlooking the gasworks. You ain't a big shot, you ain't even a medium shot, you're an asshole, a creepy jailbird, who doesn't know-! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, I have a message! I can save lives, I'm a savior, my friend. I have a gift for communication, and this is how I get treated: I get insulted, I get paired with a pair of retards, a guy who's afraid of the sun and a girl dosed up to the eyeballs on antidepressants. Sweetheart, I can get you something much better. |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
These pills are very strong today, maybe I took too much accidentally. Oh well! (laughs) |
| Jeremy Robard: |
This chick is out of her mind! I thought I was gonna get to help people on the radio, to demonstrate my program, to help you, Chavez! Those people on the phone said you were a desperate, lonely man on the edge! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Leave! Leave right now. Get out of my studio, go get your own radio show, go save some other people! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, I'm not leaving till I have the opportunity to save people and sell some tapes. You can call right now and send in the money order. Soon, you can have a luxury condo and a waterbed, and a suit made in Singapore based on the latest Italian style. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Enough! Enough, now, shut up! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Hey, vampire boy! I'll give you 20 bucks if you could put a hex on Chavez. |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
(as Jenny continuingly laughs) Dark forces, I summon you to me...banish these weaklings and mental inferior ones from my presence... |
| Jeremy Robard: |
No, you little snotty nose prick! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Your shoes got lifts, buster, I can tell. |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Hey, lift this, hairspray! |
| A smashing noise is heard. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Ow, my nose! |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Daddy, stop bleeding! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
This costs a lot of money! I'll sue you into jail, asshole! |
| Jenny Louise Crab: |
Stop fighting, please! I hate it when we fight. Can't we have a group hug? |
| Konstantinos Smith: |
Hit me, man! I like it. |
| Jeremy Robard: |
Oh, my damn nose... |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Oh, stop crying, baby boy! Who are you gonna tell, huh? Where's your 3-step program now? You think I'm a little wimp now? You wanna be rude about Pressing Issues now, eh? You think you a tough guy from the gutter now, huh, my friend? You think you can screw with me, with Maurice Chavez? Whatchu' thinking, asshole?! |
| Jeremy Robard: |
I'm sorry, please don't hit me again, I love your show! |
| Maurice Chavez: |
Eh, phew, I think I understand this positive thinking! And that was Pressing Issues. I think we've covered a lot of ground, we learned all about how to press the issue, and remember: if at first you don't get hurt, hit the guy very hard in the face with a paperweight, it just worked for me, and I feel like a million dollars! Let's tell you a little bit more about exactly how public radio is financed and quality programs like Pressing Issues come on the air. Don't go away! |
| The "Perception and Positive Thinking" segment ends and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
That was Pressing Issues and this is Vice City Public Radio. We hope you're enjoying the show as much as you're about to enjoy listening to me and Jonathan Freeloader. |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Hello, everybody. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Hi, Jonathan, how are you? |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Heartbroken, Michelle. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Why, Jonathan, why? |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Well, because it seems people just don't care anymore. I mean, where are people's priorities? We have campaigned tirelessly for public radio for literally months now, and the station is still in trouble, but a man with a hygeine problem puts on a pop concert and suddenly, everyone has money to hand over to starving kids they've never even met. I think it's a disgrace. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Yes, people are very shallow. |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
Like you? |
| Michelle Montanius: |
Exactly like me, but radio is much more important than food. I have a good mind not to let them go back into Pressing Issues this time. You have to give us some money. It is a...it..it's a disaster, that's what it is! What's wrong with you people?! Please, we're struggling to pay for our second homes here! |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
And I've only had 3 vacations this year! |
| Michelle Montanius: |
You poor, poor man. Let's get on with the show. Remember: call now, please, we need your money, urgently! |
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