New World Order

The NWO logo at Rockstar's official website.

New World Order is a conservative foreign affairs show on VCPR in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories, hosted by Dwayne Thorn.

Description

Each of the show's "reports" is a satire of the negative socio-economic aspects of American influence on the world during the Cold War. The show also takes in calls from different individuals that predictably shock or puzzle Dwayne based on their subject material. NWO is a satire of both American perceptions of the world during the Cold War, and the right-wing opinion shows that have proliferated American media in recent years.

Reporters

• Bryce Parker – A reporter with a British accent, reporting on the prostitution – and his personal enjoyment – of children and prepubescents in Thailand. Dwayne is apparently far more interested in the latter.
• Chuck Summers – Reports on the stereotypical and abject poverty of India prior to its 21st century economic boom before suddenly coming down with a very violent case of diarrhea.
• John Sickerman – Another reporter with a British accent, John interviews an Ecuadorian drug lord named Pedro on how American money has "transformed" South American society. Parodies American corporate influence in Central and South America as well as the funding of Contras and other violent individuals and groups in those regions during the closing stages of the Cold War.
• Heinrich Havelock – A reporter with a German accent, interviewing a tribal chieftain from a formerly-forested town in Venezuela that Dwayne cannot pronounce (Dwayne also cannot correctly pronounce Heinrich's name). This interview parodies the cultural assimilation of indigenous peoples in the Americas, and the effects of deforestation.

Callers

• A xenophobic customs and immigration officer who believes that the phrase "Annuit Cœptis" on the reverse of the $1 bill is part of a conspiracy to get every American to speak Latin. Parodies the alleged racism and prejudice by American immigration officials on people with suspect national origins, and the stereotype of American conservatives fearing foreign culture and influence.
• Thorton, a hillbilly who, inspired by Buddha, tries to achieve "enlightenment" through supposedly easy self-help cookbooks and other material, and threatens Dwayne when he disagrees. This caller parodies the stereotype of uninformed Americans/Westerners trying to become engaged in foreign culture through overly-commercialized and popular media (such as the New Age movement).
• Michelle, a caller from the Midwest who is sexually obsessed with Dwayne, possibly as a result from isolation against anything and everything foreign.

Transcript

Transcript

Coming up next... Jonathan Freeloader: Next is New World Order - international news that takes you around the world and reaffirms you should stick to the safety of your plan to subdivision. I love Florida, it's a gift to America. This is VCPR. Dwayne Thorn: This is New World Order. I'm your host, Dwayne Thorn. I'm an American! Are you? If not, you don't deserve to own a radio. If, like me, you don't want a passport, and consider Los Santos far too full of...hm, exotic people, this is the show for you. Too many shows have started up with no respect for politic persuasion, no understanding that a real man doesn't need to see the world to have an opinion on it, and certainly doesn't need to read foreigners to know they are up to no good! (sighs) The world is a beautiful place, let's make sure it stays that way by controlling it properly. But how do we do that? Well, first, by one-sided diatribes on the airwaves, but also by remembering a lot of things aren't American, and that's sad. Here, children grow up happy, go to overfunded public schools where they can't pray, play ball in the street, then have a lemonade and some heavy petting. But the storybook childhood isn't so for millions of people in third-world countries, like Europe. Bryce Parker, our special correspondent, has the special report on child prostitution in the Far East. Hello, Bryce. Bryce Parker: Hello, Dwayne! Thailand - from temple to TNA. Many come to Bangkok to do just that. But in a crisis that is growing, according to records on the subject, like me, more than 1 million young boys and girls are engaged in commercial, sexual activity. Dwayne Thorn: How much? Bryce Parker: For as little as a dollar, anyone travelling here can have teen girls. Dwayne Thorn: Wow, that's...terrible! Bryce Parker: Yes, inflation! Dwayne, I traded a $20 radio with a village man for his two daughters, and what lovely daughters they were. Pouty lips, bronze skin, tight bodies, just beginning to develop breasts. They clearly had a hunger for love! There's a saying in Thailand: "Eat the fruit as it ripens, it tastes better." Dwayne Thorn: This, ladies and gentlemen, if you're just tuning in, this is a special New World Order investigation into the terrors of the Far East. Bryce, would it be possible to have two virgins pull me around on a rickshaw naked while I talk them about what democracy could do for them? Bryce Parker: Yes, I could sort that out. Dwayne Thorn: Excellent! Bryce Parker reporting from Thailand. Coming up: do cigarettes make you a cowboy? Millions of Chinese think so. We'll talk to Redwood Tobacco's CEO Ken Silverman, but first, let's take some calls. Hello? Customs and Immigration Officer: Yeah, Dwayne, man, hell, you got a great show! Uh, I wanted to ask, what's the deal with the $1 bill? Dwayne Thorn: What do you mean? Customs and Immigration Officer: Well, there's an eyeball on top of a pyramid, and it says "Annuit Cœptis". As if that eyeball don't creep me out enough! Dwayne Thorn: It's Latin, I think. Customs and Immigration Officer: Well, they should keep foreign languages off of our money! I mean, pretty soon we'll all speak Latin, and what are you gonna do then? I'm tired of seeing languages I don't understand on signs, or people speaking funny! It's un-American! Dwayne Thorn: What do you do? Customs and Immigration Officer: I'm a customs and immigration official, but what are you gonna do about the Latin menace?! Dwayne Thorn: Probably go to commercial messages, though I can't, this is public radio. Well, let's have a pledge drive, or something. The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. Michelle Montanius: (sobbing) You cheap asshole! You don't care about me, you turn me on when you like and you don't take care of me when it matters! It's only 125 bucks, come on! You don't even have to come with me!... Jonathan Freeloader: Shhh, Michelle, I'll make that slick little failed circus clown pay. That's Michelle Montanius on her own personal pledge drive, and I'm doing the same for free radio in your area. This radio is free, and unless you pay for it, right now, it won't be much longer. Explain that if you can. The program resumes to New World Order. Dwayne Thorn: Thanks! It's a disgrace having to beg for money. It's the 80s, and your only moral purpose is your own happiness, no matter what the cost to others! I've been abroad and I know what it's like, and let me tell you, the food's no good, the bathrooms stink and the money don't work. India is in the news again, streets riddled with elephant dung and snake charmers, food that gives you gas, an unhealthy respect for the cow, and a cast system that nobody understands. Chuck Summers is in New Delhi. Chuck Summers: Thanks, Dwayne. Despite its name, the city is nothing like a deli, except the food is old and the coffee tastes like armpit. India is an ancient culture, and it shows - sweaty hordes of yogi folk waffed about chanting "Oooohmmmmm..." and giving that smug look that comes with inappropriate stretching in public. I learned quickly not to show your teeth when at the monkey temples, it makes the monkeys angry. But I didn't come here to get in feces fights, I've got a little Brazilian waiter I do that with on Friday nights back at home when my wife is out playing bridge. These cocky contortionists aren't just a threat to our convenience stores back in America, there's a bigger threat looming on the horizon - the food! Dwayne, I've been here for 24 hours, and I can tell you: Indian food is pureed terrorism, resulting in gut-wrenching ass explosions that make you feel like you're shitting fire! My trip began in Calcata, where...oh, oh no, not again! Chuck groans in pain as he's heard defecating. Dwayne Thorn: There you have it, news from the front line, no matter how painful. That's what you get from New World Order - abroad as it really is, dirty, smelly, and desperate for handouts from the greatest nation on Earth. That's the truth! Now, if you're scared of people with different-colored skin or a different belief system than you, it doesn't mean you're small-minded, it means you've understood that there is right and there is wrong, whatever the liberals in the government try to tell you. When you're facing the final judgment, try telling the real Supreme Court that you thought everyone was made equal! You'll get laughed out of court! It's a club, listeners! Anyone can join as long as they pay, but if they choose not to, they better live with the consequences! Let's take a caller, you're on New World Order, what's your problem with abroad? Thorton: Hey. Dwayne Thorn: Yes? Thorton: Uh, Dwayne? Dwayne Thorn: Yes? Thorton: Uh, yeah, I want to talk about that Buddha guy. Dwayne Thorn: Okay. Thorton: Man, I love that Buddha guy! I'm all about the little fat bastard, I can tell you what, that's some fucking hot shit enlightenment! I tell you what, boy, you sit under a tree, you're getting all the way to nirvana, hot shit! Dwayne Thorn: Okay, what's your point? Thorton: My wife, she says "Thorton, what you doing under that tree?", and you know what I say? "I'm minding my own fucking business, you damn bitch! You should get some fucking enlightenment! Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to eat!" I like to eat, sit perfectly and digest, I got that book, "From Enlightenment to the Outhouse in Ten Easy Meals". It's good chicken-fried steak, a bit of hog, biscuits and gravy, some greens, grits, gator, immigrants, cheese... Dwayne Thorn: This isn't a cooking show! Thorton: I know that, bud, gimme a fucking break! How are you, mister-high-and-fucking-mighty with your big city ideas? Man, you come down my way and I will fuck you up, boy, fuck you up proper! Dwayne Thorn: That's what fancy foreign religions will do to you, listeners! Thanks to my religion, I am a peace-loving, God-fearing American, and I'll kill or maim anyone who says otherwise, or has an alternate view of the afterlife! Once you have figured out the meaning of the universe, you can do whatever you want. Kifflom. Talking of consequences, let's find out how American investment has saved this rainforest community in Ecuador. John Sickerman has this report. John? John Sickerman: Ecuador. I don't know where I am on the map, but wherever it is, it's hot out and I feel sick. This place is driving me mad! But inside this crazy country burns the heart of a capitalist nation, as I learned recently when I met Pedro Anuncion, who is with us now. Pedro? Pedro: Hello, John, and thank you from the bottom of my heart, you have helped many people with your investments. This awful virgin rainforest was holding my people back, they had nowhere to develop, now thanks to your country's brave invest--investment, we have stripped out the forest and built a factory that enriches uranium, and lead, mercury, coca... John Sickerman: That's beautiful. Is the factory beautiful? Pedro: I lose my place in the script, um... America is number one, you brought so many shots and helped make a proud people self-sufficient, I hope one day to meet this woman, er, Bonnie Knight. I love your American TV and your Zebra candy bars, and a sugar cereal with marshmallows in the shape of ox and kamasutra positions. John Sickerman: So the people own the factory? Pedro: Er, one of them does, yes. John Sickerman: Who? Pedro: Uh...me. Like I said, John, thank you, if you ever need something, you let me know. I got some rebel fighters who fuck people up for you! I got women who can suck the silver off the tray tables on my private jet! I got great blow, man. Listen, baby, you need someone killed, you come to tío Pedro. You and me, we like hermanos now. John Sickerman: Well, as you can see, the people are very excited here in Ecuador with the changes we have brought about to this community. Dwayne Thorn: Fan...tastic! Even a racist like me can be made to feel good by a story as heartwarming as that! See, foreigners, you see? Our way works! Let's head to the phones. Hello, you're on New World Order, what's your point? Michelle: Oh, yeah, this is Michelle calling from the midwest. Dwayne Thorn: Hello, Michelle. Michelle: Hi, Dwayne, I'm a big fan of the show. Uh, listen, I've been listening to it for years and never gone abroad, oh no. I-I just wanna thank you. You saved my life and my virginity. Dwayne Thorn: Thanks, Michelle. Michelle: Because if I'd gone abroad, I probably would have been murdered or raped or worse. I-I just get scared just thinking about it. You saved my life, and I've been saving myself for you, Dwayne. I love you. I'm ready for you. I'm a woman. Oh, take me. Oh, geez-- Dwayne Thorn: How old are you, Michelle?! Michelle: I'm 47, but I'm clean, and I'm ready, and I make such a great potato casserole. We could just lie in it on the bed-- Dwayne Thorn: Okay, next caller! Who's on the phones? Nope, no one. Let's go to another news segment, Heinrich Havelock is on the ground in Quadibamb, in Quadibeam... in butt-fuck nowhere in Venezuela. Heimlich--uh, Heinrich! Heinrich Havelock: Ja, thanks, Dwayne. Uh, Heinrich Havelock here, with Chief Brown. Tell me how the free market has helped you, Chief. Chief Brown: Call me Phil. Heinrich Havelock: Okay, so, Phil, uh--how--how is life as an indigenous chief? Phil: Well as you can see, there's not much forest left here, thanks to the great chainsaw the Americans left us. Whereas before, my people lived in equality and harmony with nature, now I am the boss man! I get to sleep with all the women of my tribe, while husbands must pretend to like me and let me win at golf! Heinrich Havelock: Uh, oh my gosh, that's great. Phil: Now we build condos, chain stores, mega churches! Soon, todo las turistas come and see me sleep with all the women from around the world! Me have grande carro, me have thunder, I am knight of road, I have big schlong! Dwayne Thorn: Uh, Heimlich, can I interrupt for a second? Phil: (speaking in Spanish) Heinrich Havelock: Shut up, you grass-skirt wearing strobach! Dwayne Thorn: So, let me get this straight: you mean this guy was a savage, and now has got a real sense of morality? Heinrich Havelock: Ja, he's gone from a system of stagnating equality to one of progress to ruthless competition. Dwayne Thorn: That is magnificent! And you'll have more time down there if this pledge drive doesn't get cooking! It may be a while before we wire you some more money. Heinrich Havelock: Uh-- Dwayne Thorn: Thank you, Heimlich! That's all we have time for. Catch us next time on New World Order. Remember: love your country, don't question politicians, especially when they have a winning smile and great hair, and you'll be part of the new world order!