|DOG BAN UPHELD
Liberty Tree News Bureau
If there's one thing you'll never see fouling the streets of Liberty City, it's a dog. City council has voted overwhelmingly to uphold the ban on dog ownership in our city. Not for us, the yuppies scraping up its designer-poodle's-less-than-designer-doings with his hand covered only in a plastic bag. Nor for us, the small baby, clamped by the neck in the jaws of an angry rotweiller who only wanted to play. Nor even the seeing eye dog who runs amok dragging a sightless person under a bus or off a cliff. These, and other canine horrors - eating, urinating, ritualistic sex acts and tail wagging - haven't been seen in our town for nearly five years now, and Council agrees the ban has really improved the quality of life for people in Liberty City.
Of course, ours is a town rightly proud of its reputation as an animal lover's home - a local historian comments, "Our founding fathers used to meet and enjoy an afternoon of bear baiting and cock-fighting, and were not immune to the pleasures of lemmings marches, when they would cheer as thousands of rodents leapt to an early death, and since then, we've kept up the tradition of animal loving, with our healthy and thriving pet food industry." Liberty City may be the home of dog food, but thankfully, for all who want safer city streets, it is no longer the home of any dogs. And who said Liberty City wasn't a safer, more vibrant town than many others?