“Welcome to I'm Rich, the show that puts avarice firmly on the national agenda, as we zealously and emphatically discuss things rich people have, you'll never afford, and anyone with good taste would never want.”
The show parodies the lives of the super-rich, similar to that of the real-life reality TV shows MTV Cribs and The Fabulous Life of....
Focusing on the socialites and "cokehead debutantes" of Liberty City, they often talk about some of the outrageous spending of these people; for example, Tony McTony's collection of fifteen Infernus sports cars all with the Tony McTony logo, and Cloe Parker's real estate (including a super-sized mansion in Westdyke, Alderney, that her father bought for her on the day of her first period) and her ruby-filled breast implants. I'm Rich also features Jill Von Crastenburg, Lyle Cleethorpes and Alfonso Vasquez, including his ex-wife and daughter.
In Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars, the player can purchase I'm RichScratch Cards, which costs $15. If the player gets the "three house" combo, the prize is a suite at The Star Plaza Hotel.
As mentioned in Grand Theft Auto Online, I'm Rich is still active in the early 2020s. According to Jamal Amir, an episode of the TV show that aired in late 2023 made another tour on Tony McTony's Vinewood mansion, where one of McTony's topless chauffeurs was seen driving a sports car, later stolen by the GTA Online Protagonist for either salvaging or exporting.
A 24-year old celebrity, whose father has a net worth of $950 billion. Parker's properties include a 600-foot yacht that costs $3 million per day to sit unused. Cloe also owns an Algonquin penthouse with castle-like features such as a moat. The family-owned Parker Mansion in Westdyke, Alderney, features an underwater home theater with midget mermaids, and has an impressive collection of sports cars.
From the Von Crastenburg Family, one of the richest families in the world, Jill Von Crastenburg is the best friend of Cloe Parker. Since her 11th birthday, she has been internationally famous for her extreme wealth and presence on the Liberty City party circuit, becoming one of the most photographed celebrities in the world. She was given a pair of diamond miners for her 12th birthday and, after she could walk again, she was sent to 15 of the most exclusive boarding schools at the same time. One of their many residences is a 45-bedroom mansion in Westdyke, Alderney, adjacent to the Parker Mansion.
A multi-millionaire from Algonquin, boasting $750 million in stock options, who made his fortune in the computing industry. He lives in one of three (or more) luxury homes – a Leftwood mansion with a helipad, a luxury mansion in Vinewood Hills, Los Santos, with a parked private jet outside, and the glass penthouse of the Rand Avenue Building East in Alderney City, fitted with a glass elevator which has a glass jacuzzi inside. He owns fifteen nearly-identical Infernus sports cars all monogrammed with the TMT logo that he spent $15 million developing only for his personal use.
A Mexican cocaine baron who immigrated to the United States in the 1970s. His daughter, January Natasha Vasquez, has become a celebrity and, despite her notable addiction to cocaine, Alfonso still continues his drug empire. Alfonso was once arrested with a large shipment of cocaine, but the charges against him were dropped. Alfonso has a fortune of about $500 million, from which his wife took half.
An heir to a five-generation, century-old family fortune built on tobacco and the slave trade. He is considered to be a waste of the family fortune and is allegedly a product of inbreeding. He aspires to be famous, which is why he built the Cleethorpes Tower in Algonquin. He also garners considerable media attention for his meth addiction and pastime of driving fast cars and bikes while high on drugs.
Next weekend - It's the CNT original movie Fear the Dark Finger. Coming up next it's the tale of directionless heiresses and pill poppin playboys on I'm Rich.
Hey race fans! It's coming! Saturdays don't miss the Patriot 500 live from Patriot Beer Motor Speedway. It's edge of your seat excitement as rednecks drive in a circle 500 times.
I'm Rich
Male Host:
Welcome to I'm Rich, the show that puts avarice firmly on the national agenda, as we zealously and emphatically discuss things rich people have, you'll never afford, and anyone with good taste would never want.
Female Host:
In this week's show, we've got tres-rich people who inherited truckloads of money and spend it ostentatiously.
Male Host:
We've got flashy criminals who've bribed congressmen to be allowed to live as they want and get plump business contracts.
Female Host:
And we'll get down and dirty with fab politicians who siphoned off 50% of the gross domestic product of poor countries to buy speedboats, servants, snakeskin sofas and incredible surround sound sanitariums.
Male Host:
Plus we've got Liberty City's most vacuous debutante coke heads going head to head and giving it, in a race to see who can visit the most STD clinics and rehabs.
Female Host:
It's glamor, guts and really gross greed. From diamond encrusted glory holes to the proper pronunciation of ABITHA... or Abiza...we've got a full half hour of gawking at the possessions of rich people and thinking "That should so be me. Why am I a vapid waste of a human being? Maybe I'll blow my brains out during commercials." All because you're not on I'm Rich.
First up. Cloe Parker! If you don't know who she is, you're a pop-culture retard, and that's deadly serious. This 24-year old sometime felcher and heiress to a mognostranomousity of a fortune to the tune of $950 billion dollars! She's one seriously hot number! She's got fake tits stuffed with rubies as well, it's luxury plastic surgery taken to a whole new level. Now to fill up time a person is going to repeat what I just said in a different way while we watch the same footage again.
Female Host:
Cloe Parker is 24-years old and really hot. She's worth a lot of money and is totally vapid. She's had a lot of plastic surgery but otherwise is devoid of meaning. She's rich!
Male Host:
She's got it all and money is everything. She has a daddy, money and one of those tiny little dogs that rich people keep in their vagina.
Female Host:
I want one of those so badly.
Male Host:
Woof woof. So you think your daddy is nice? Cloe Parker went from tycoon tot to tycoon twat. She lived in this mega-mansion her daddy bought for her after her first period. And, when pop is back in Colombia managing the families produce importing company, she's out to The Carraways. Fantabulous. Party in Paris and fingerblast in Florence. Her amazing mansion has an underwater home theater with midget mermaids, jumbo jet garages, and a six-hundred foot yacht that costs three million just to day to run. Her penthouse in Algonquin's exclusive Middle Park East district is a little palace in the sky, complete with a moat and a drawbridge, torture dungeon and servants with scurvy, all on the 55th floor. This is real estate the rest of us can only watch on television and masturbate over.
I'm masturbating right now! Furiously! Now Cloe is best friends with Jill Von Crastenburg. This enfant terrible has been ruling Liberty City's night life for the past two years, since her 11th birthday. Her daddy gave her a pair of diamond miners for her 12th birthday and after she could walk again, sent her to fifteen of the most exclusive boarding schools, all at the same time, and got her a tree house with servants! Plus, she's got a flying rabbit!
Male Host:
Money! Omnipotence! When you're this amazing the laws of nature just don't apply. Your life is like a soda commercial where everything is extreme! Look at this house. That's what it takes to make a splash in the ultra competitive world of being the kid of rich parents who don't pay any taxes. The Von Crastenburg's are amongst the richest people in the world, apart from morally, where they are entirely destitute, just like the producers of this show. But look at how many sports cars Cloe has. Rumor has it this deliciously defecating debutante screams daddy while doing the dirty deed rotisserie style.
Female Host:
They live most of the year in Liberty City at this sumptuous mansion, but pay no taxes, because they claim to practice their religion inside their home, taking it off the tax rolls. That's being a real American entrepreneur.
Male Host:
That thinking got them a 45 bedroom weekend home upstate - it has a candle lit chandelier in the bathroom and transparent plumbing, so you can eat hundred one dollar bills, shit them out and watch your ca-ca creation as it departs on it's journey. Their religion is money, and they are the pope, the chief rabbi and a serious ayatollah all rolled into one!
Female Host:
Fabulous! Their shit doesn't stink. And little baby Jill has got her own bedroom in this palatial palace that's carved out of ivory with murals of erotic versions of fairy tales, hand painted by celebrity artists Simon and Nigel.
Male Host:
That's how the rich live! With pictures of little red riding hood taking it in the can from the big bad wolf. Let's take a break while we ponder how all the middle class is just like red riding hood. When we come back, Algonquin's hottest Playboy discusses how he spends his money on worthless shit.
Last night I think I shit the bed, got so drunk I gave a dude head. Life is just a merciful blur. When you pop a Pißwasser. Pißwasser don't drink it slow. 3AM, buy some blow. Sleep in a bathroom on the floor. What really matters anymore? All the crap you do all day, who fucking cares anyway? Pißwasser, this is beer. Drive drunk, off a pier. Pißwasser, drink all day it helps your trouble go away-ay-aaaay!
Speaking of churning it out or bopping your baloney on the face of humanity, here's another vacuous rich person we're going to promote for reasons that are entirely beyond anyone's understanding - it's top Algonquin playboy Tony McTony.
Male Host:
TMT is like TNT. this fast living, fast fused but vertically challenged bachelor and internet 2.0 millionaire has agreed to talk to us about what being rich is all about to him.
Since I became really rich, my life is incredible... I got a place with a glass floor so I can take upskirts with a special camera and a glass elevator that has a glass jacuzzi in it and I ride up and down for hours, and you know what? I'm going to rub your nose in it. I've gone from nerd to hot quicker than you can say $750 million dollars in stock options.
Male Host:
Tony's place in Los Santos is legendary. Tony may be only 5ft tall but what he lacks in stature, he more than makes up for in sports cars. Why have one luxury Italian Infernus sports car when you can have two? And why have two when you can have fifteen? All exactly the same. Each one has monogrammed seats, which the special Tony McTony logo.
Tony McTony:
Since I became rich, I realized I needed a logo. So I got the best logo designer to make me one. It cost $15 million just to have it created. The silk thread was shit out by a Trappist monk. It's a yellow M done in an arch, on a red background. You've never seen anything like it people. My towels, my condoms, my gold rim jobs all of it with the Tony McTony logo. Bitches love initials.
Female Host:
Tony also hires women to sit cross legged and topless in leather pants in birdcages hung from his ceiling and they meditate, so people realize just how rich he is.
Tony McTony:
Now, I get laid all of the time. Which is great, because I was a virgin until six months ago.
Male Host:
Tony spends his weekends power boating up the Humboldt alongside Algonquin, while he gets his special platform shoes hand built by Eskimos out of moon rock. He likes to get back at the kids who beat him up in school by buying the companies where they're employed and sacking them.
Tony McTony:
Hey, I'm not bitter. I'm just a tiny guy with a lot of cash.
Next up, we've got Alfonso Vasquez. This guy's rich, and he's got a seriously hot daughter that he's gotta have trouble keeping his hands off of.
Female Host:
And wow is his wife a bitch. She took half his money, just like a slut will.
Female Host:
But that half he doesn't even need because money rolls in so fast he has snow shovels to pick it up. Alfonso keeps his daughter January Natasha Vasquez dripping in diamonds. She says she's even got her labia beautifully baroqued with an enormous 7 karat stone. She's a role model and knows it- showing girls exactly where their vaginas can take them if they try hard enough. But being this wealthy totally does have a down side though. She's terrified of trees, and afraid that elves will abduct her and have their way with her, and she's never had to learn to read or chew. It's so awesome.
Male Host:
In her world, nothing is impossible. Except humility and basic spelling. Especially when a manservant chews your food and spits it into your mouth.
Female Host:
Private jets - fleets of $300,000 sports cars. Waterfall water beds, plus they've got a plasma TVs in the toilet bowl to watch your favorite shows while you're making yourself throw up an $800 dollar meal. That's what being rich is all about.
Male Host:
It doesn't get any better than this. If Heaven exists, it won't be this good. Coming up next: boats, yachts and twats. It's the decadence that you dream of, and it's only on I'm Rich.
My name is Stephanie Pearson. I tried dating but it ended mostly in me just getting desperate and blowing homeless guys. Then I met Nathan on Love-meet.net. We totally hit it off. Then he slit my throat and killed himself. Now we'll be together forever. Thanks Love Meet!
Love Meet announcer:
Meet the man, woman or beast of your dreams. Meeting someone is as easy as logging on, paying for a lifetime subscription and receiving emails from the worst dregs of society you always feared were out there. Love-meet.net.
I'm Rich
Male Host:
Welcome back to I'm Rich. In this section we've got an in depth investigation into corruption and scandal in the charity industry alongside a report from the front line of poverty in our own country and how bent politicians are wasting the money you give them.
Female Host:
Only joking. Who cares about tales of woe when we've got tales of wow? We are going to talk about wealthy people like they are in any way interesting.
Male Host:
And point out how pathetic your life is because you don't have emerald encrusted toilet paper or a pet dragon that shits pizza.
Liberty City has taken decadence to a whole new level recently, officially becoming the world capital of stupid money when five generations of inbreeding created a wasp icon, so drunk with fame and wealth he doesn't even know his own name.
Male Host:
Lyle Cleethorpes V's ancestors made their fortune selling tobacco and slaves, both of which are good. But the emancipation proclamation didn't get his family down - they import all their labor from Mexico for pennies, making him mega ultra party time rich.
Female Host:
He spends his time sleeping with models whose shoulder blades could cut paper, holding court at the fanciest clubs in town such as the legendary celeb hangout Maisonette 9. And driving sports bikes while high on drugs.
Male Host:
It's the American dream. He's talent less, pointless and tedious and we're talking about him because advertisers will pay for spots on this show.
Female Host:
Let's think about that for a second.
Male Host:
There, a quick reflection is good. now let's get on with our lives.
Female Host:
Stay jealous people! I know I will.
CNT Announcer:
It's the decadence that you dream of, and it's only on I'm Rich.
I'm Rich sponsors
CNT Announcer:
I'm Rich is brought to you by... Krapea - Budget lifestyle solutions made from particle board. Rimmers Sunglasses - sight for sore eyes. Al Dente's - all the mama mia you can eat. Trackify Wireless - Keep tabs on the ones you love. Biglogs Cereal - Who doesn't love big logs in the morning? Wifebeater Gin - the way to relax when you want her to shut the fuck up and let you watch TV. Bean Machine Coffee. Chihuaha Hot Dogs - try beating our meat.
Promotional consideration and advertising breaks brought to you by... Adios Air - Say your goodbyes. Lax to the Max - Get flowing again. Alpha Mail - The postal evolution. The Alcopatch - It's the same refreshing feeling of your favorite drink, but delivered transdermally and discreetly. Fanny Crab's Bar & Grill - You'll love the taste of our fanny crabs.
Support for the sponsor listing portion of the show brought to you by: 24/7 convenience stores - Where else are you going to buy a six pack, condoms and cigarettes, when you're high at three in the morning? Burger Shot - Kill your hunger. It's bleedin tasty. Gnocchi - because Italians are known for their watches. Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts, Max Renda Cosmetics and Wigwam Burger - no need for reservations.
Closed captioning for the hearing impaired brought to you by... Pirate Music Stores - who invite you to hear the future of music... and Tinkle Wireless - Tinkle everywhere, Tinkle in your ear. And Eugenics Incorporated - Call Eugenics Incorporated, where morality is none of our business.
Gallery[]
Billboard of the show.
A texture of an advertisement for I'm Rich, which can be seen on top of taxis and billboards.
As with other TV content across HD Universe titles, stock footage from other games, including 3D Universe titles and non-Rockstar North titles are used in I'm Rich for a different context in the show.
Footage of Carl Johnson skydiving in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (wearing the Leisure Top and the Leisure Pants from ProLaps) is used to represent an unnamed adrenaline junkie in a soda commercial.
Footage of an unnamed mansion in Mulholland from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is used to represent Tony McTony's unseen Vinewood Hills mansion.
Footage of a generic Strip Club interior from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is used to represent the interior of Tony McTony's private lounge.
Footage of Bullworth Academy from the promotional trailer for Rockstar Vancouver's Bully: Scholarship Edition is used to represent an unidentified Old English-style private boarding school once attended by Jill Von Crastenburg.
Footage of construction workers at the Alderney Sprunk Factory underground tunnel in Grand Theft Auto IV is used to represent miners at a diamond mine owned by the Crastenburg family.
It is worth noting that many of the images seen throughout the show are still, live-action stock photos. For example the yacht belonging to Cloe Parker is a slightly edited image of the RMS Queen Mary II.
The yacht's horn is the same sound produced by the Platypus in the opening cutscene of the game.
The xylophone jingle seems to be similar to the one heard when the DNA Productions logo is displayed.[vaguevagueThe information near this tag is too vague, and requires clarification.]
Many of the gameplay footage from Grand Theft Auto IV itself used in I'm Rich has been recorded at an early stage of development, as evidenced by noticeable vehicle design differences compared to the final product.
For example, on the show, there is a red Banshee featured with two black stripes running down the middle instead of one. An early model of the Super GT and a model of the Turismo that has different rims can also be seen.
