For the HD Universe counterpart, see Epsilon Program (HD Universe).

The logo of the Epsilon Program.

"KIFFLOM!"
―A term frequently used by the 'Epsilonists'

The Epsilon Program is a fictional religious cult across a number of Grand Theft Auto games, led by Cris Formage.

Description

The cult first emerged as a teaser site[1] for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and later referenced numerous times on radio stations and by pedestrians in the game itself. The cult is an obvious scam, intended to gain money by brainwashing its followers into paying large sums of money, parodying the real life Church of Scientology. In Formage's own words, it is "a fellowship of like-minded adults who tithe money in exchange for salvation and merit badges".

The Epsilon Program apparently existed as early as 1984 when Tina Jane, a DJ for VCFL in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories references the program on her radio show, indicating that a friend was trying to get her to join.

Commercials

Commercial #1

Transcript
Man 1: Why do trees talk?
Woman 1: Why are there dinosaurs?
Boy: Why do people die meaningless deaths?
Man 2: Is there other intelligent life in the universe?
Woman 2: Why do I have to be monogamous?
Cris Formage: Do you want answers? Have you searched literature and philosophy for meaning? For years, man has combed the pages of history, searching for enlightenment. Finally, the answers are here. We at the Epsilon Program know religion is a deeply personal experience. Join us - and you will be brought to light. Kifflom. I am the honorable Cris Formage. All you have to do is read and understand the Epsilon Tract and the secrets of the universe will be opened to you. The Epsilon Program. This time, God, it's personal.

Commercial #2

Transcript
Cris Formage: Let me ask you something. Have you ever seen a real dinosaur? Of course you haven't, and you never will. Fact! That's because they never existed, and science... (chuckles) science is a lie. I mean, have you actually ever seen a sperm? We've all tried. All you have to do is read and understand the Epsilon Tract, and the secrets of the Universe will be opened to you. This is a life-altering experience. All your mortal fears will be at ease. The Epsilon Program. This time, God, it's personal.

Commercial #3

Transcript
Cris Formage: Do you worry that nobody likes you? We'll provide you with friends. Hi, and Kifflom. I'm the honorable Cris Formage. Covet your neighbor's ass no longer. The Epsilon Program seeks out the convenient bits from every faith to create a religion that is uniquely American - expensive, promiscuous, and entirely meaningless. And unlike other major religions, we only tithe 8.75 percent. That means less for God, and more for you. All you have to do is read and understand the Epsilon Tract, and the secrets of the universe will be open to you. Just call 1-866-FUN-CULT

Religious beliefs

The main ideals of the Epsilon Program are established on their website. The religions main deity is Kifflom, and members follow his twelve tenets:

  1. The world is consistently 157 years old every year.
  2. Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak.
  3. You are happy, you just don’t know it.
  4. We all come from the same tree.
  5. Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair.
  6. Sperm does not exist - it is a lie spread by biology teachers - along with everything else you have ever been told.
  7. Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day.
  8. Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birth mark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm.
  9. Trees talk, but only some people hear them.
  10. People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure.
  11. If you believe this and turn you hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you’ll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed.
  12. KIFFLOM - HAPPINESS IS YOURS! KIFFLOM!
"Cris Formage tells us in his wonderful book, It Happened To Us All, that the TRACT will be written when we are all ready. However, Cris is also very clear on another point - although the TRACT has not yet been written, it can still be read by those that are willing to read it."

Their site contains a page about the Tract, which is expected to hold the truth about Epsilon. However, the site states that the tract has not yet been written. There is an address in Grand Canaria to send a cheque to, from which you would supposedly be sent a copy of the Tract. Grand Canaria is located in the Cayman Islands, which is well known as a tax haven and offshore location for many dubious companies. Unlike most places outside the USA that are mentioned in the GTA universe, Grand Canaria is a fictional place based on Grand Cayman. Alternatively, it could be possible that Rockstar got Grand Canaria confused up with the Spanish island of Gran Canaria.

Members

The "backpack pedestrian".

The cult's founder and leader is Cris Formage. In GTA San Andreas, he can be heard on the radio arguing with Lazlow Jones and fellow con-artist Darius Fontaine.

The cult attracts many celebrities, including musicians Jezz Torrent and Maccer, who both claim the cult helped them with their drug addictions. WCTR host Billy Dexter is also believed to be a member of the cult, as he occasionally says "Kifflom" during his show.

Other followers are listed on the cult website under "testimonials":

The cult is mentioned in small talk by pedestrians in San Andreas; a certain kind of pedestrian commonly found around Verdant Bluffs (identifiable by his rucksack) and some barbers (excluding Old Reece) claim to be followers. Additionally, the barber from Marina in Los Santos will sometimes say "Epsilon smiles on you, uncle brother" or "Let Epsilon tame your follicles". However, Katie Zhan, one of Carl Johnson's girlfriends, is not impressed with the cult and will occasionally refer to them as "nutjobs" during a date.

Trivia

  • During a radio commercial, it is revealed that the phone number for the Epsilon Program is "1-866-FUN-CULT", or exactly '1-866-386-2858' when converted.
  • Cris Formage is one of a few selected characters to appear in both 3Ds and HD Universes of the GTA series, together with Lazlow Jones and Fernando Martinez.

See also

References


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