"Let's face it: we had you at the pricetag. The fact that this happens to be one of the most decadent living spaces for hundreds of miles doesn't really matter. Just like its new owner, something this expensive doesn't need to be 'nice' or 'useful'. You're a perfect match. What are you waiting for? Access to our same-day redecorating service included as standard. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Is the 1% starting to feel a little crowded? Are you tired of single-digit millionaires cluttering up your elevator and groping your bellboy? Do you need a new way of expressing your bottomless contempt for your fellow man? Look no further: this lavish penthouse suite at the best address in town is expensive enough to keep the riff-raff at bay until at least the next federal bailout. Access to our same-day redecorating service included as standard. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Penthouse living isn't just about mindless luxury. It's about knowing that when you flush a dump you're literally crapping through every single one of the $500K hovels beneath you - and that's something only money can buy. Access to our same-day redecorating service included as standard. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Welcome to the heights of the Vinewood Hills, where the average first time buyer is 24 and the web 2.0 entrepreneurs are only outnumbered by the swarms of fading teenage pop sensations. Buy in now while the price is still ridiculously high - what are you, sensible? Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"San Andreas is a place where property values can only go up and high magnitude earthquakes never happen, so where better to balance a luxury apartment on stilts over a steep hillside in a crowded residential area? The first time you feel yourself and everything you own sway in a light breeze you'll be surprised how good this sounded on paper. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Designed and constructed in direct violation of every building law in the state, this luxury apartment is a testament to the power of a can-do attitude and utter disregard for standards of health, safety and common sense. Time to pour yourself a drink, forget about the forty foot drop, and congratulate yourself on keeping that pioneer spirit alive. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Clinging to the side of the Vinewood hills like a dying oil tycoon clutching his carer-turned-sixth-wife, this three story mansion more than enough compensates for deep structural flaws with sumptuous interior design. Open plan kitchen, minimalist furnishings, ever-present vertigo: this one really has it all. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"The previous owner of this gorgeous cliffside manor died doing a yoga pose on the rear balcony railing... but at least they got the Snapmatic shot. Its a tough act to follow, but if youre rich and stupid enough to buy into this neighbourhood youre already most of the way there. Just follow your fragile heart. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Act now to secure your place at one of the quietest and most exclusive addresses in the city. All the other houses on this street were bought in the nineties by legitimate foreign investors who needed somewhere to store vast sums of legally acquired capital, and theyve been empty ever since. Itll feel like youre living in an investment portfolio, but isnt that the point? Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"The tinnitus and smokers cough are telling you that youve seen too much inner-city living, and were telling you that this fantastically expensive apartment in leafy Vinewood is the answer to decades of hardened self-abuse. From here, you can gaze out across the whole town as you retch into your green juice and paleo breakfast burrito. Just keep reminding yourself youre glad to get away from it all. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Skyscraper views and lateral living are last years kind of vanity project. Put a more contemporary spin on your raging superiority complex by forcing your butler to wheeze up and down all three stores of this hillside palace, while you take selfies with the spectacular views of thousands of more comfortable, less expensive places to live behind you. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Part of the High Life Update. Perfectly proportioned, beautifully presented lateral living opportunity on exquisite Eclipse Boulevard. This apartment is an unique as the new cheekboones your surgeon just gave you... by that we mean you'll see them all over town. Includes a 10-car garage."
"Part of the High Life Update. A picture-perfect lateral living experience in one of Los Santos most sought-after tower blocks. These gorgeous lateral apartments only become available when hedgefunder residents have massive drug-induced heart attacks or get arrested for killing hookers. Includes a 10-car garage."
"Part of the High Life Update. Own a piece of glamorous old Vinewood, albeit a very small and expensive piece that's been made to look just like the other super-rich corners of Los Santos. A contemporary lateral living experience with one foot in the past. Includes a 10-car garage."
"The saps driving through downtown Vinewood on their morning commute need something to aspire to. They don't want to look up and see green, peaceful hills. They want to gaze through your floor-length windows and see you in nothing but a snakeskin posing pouch injecting cold press kale juice with your tantric yoga instructor. That‘s the kind of status that doesn‘t come cheap, so dig deep. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"Part of the High Life Update. Live in the clouds while your bank balance hits the floor. An apartment so conspicuosly expansive all your friends will immediately know how much you paid for it. The downtown lateral living experience for people who secretly want to be LC based. Includes a 10-car garage."
"Part of the High Life Update. Enjoy ocean views far away from tourists and bums on Del Perro Beach with this lateral living opportunity for the super rich. If we can overpay for something, we have, and were passing the expanse on down to you. Includes a 10-car garage."
"Built in the 60s and surprising everyone by still being in once piece, this understated property may not look like much on the outside, but don't worry: inside it's identical to every other brainless yuppie's fantasy of open plan, designer living. Part of Executives and Other Criminals."
"This luxury triplex is move-in ready! The previous owner was so rich he just left all his furniture. Just bring yourself and be ready for lots of new superficial Friends when people find out you live on Eclipse Boulevard in Rockford Hills. Includes 10 parking spaces."
"Eclipse Towers on Eclipse Boulevard... This is the best address in Rockford Hills! Stand at your floor-to-ceiling windows, take in the spectacular panoramic views, pour yourself a drink and toast how amazing your life is while you look down on everybody else. Includes a 10-car garage."
"Upper class living at middle class prices! Are you a single-digit millionarie who wants to live like a double-digit millionaire? Youll never find a better deal on a luxury condo in Rockford Hills than this again. Act now, it wont last. Includes a 10-car garage."
"A massive furnished luxury triplex at this price? You've gotta love a bargain like this! Snap it up now before President Lawton loses the next election and they tax the hell out of you. Includes a 10-car garage."
"Calling all actors! This is your chance to live on sought-after Movie Star Way in prime Rockford Hills directly opposite the legendary Richards Majestic film studios. Stagger out of your front door right onto set! Includes a 10-car garage."
"This spectacular condo on Movie Star Way in prime Rockford Hills is move-in ready! Don't worry if you're a rich Los Santos philistine with no taste - its all been picked out for you. All furniture, appliances, fixtures and art included."
"Parquet flooring, granite countertops, floating fireplace, bland modern art, walk-in closet, towel warmers, leather headboard, man cave... This luxury condo in Tinsel Towers on Boulevard Del Perro checks all the boxes on the new-money millionaire ticklist. Includes a 10-car garage."
"A luxury condo on Movie Star Way in Rockford Hills? This is one of the trendiest addresses in Los Santos! Imagine if all your neighbors were hedge fund manages and celebrities? Come on, live the dream. Includes a 10-car garage."
"This beautiful Downtown triplex apartment has spectacular views of Los Santos and the iconic Vinewood Sign in the distance. Watch all the people chasing the dream while you live it! Includes 10-car garage."
"This breathtaking luxury condo on Movie Star Way in Rockford Hills is a stones throw from Richards Majestic Movie Studios, AKAN Records and a Sperm Donor Clinic. The Ultimate trifeca of dying industries. Includes a 10-car garage."
"No dropped calls here! This luxury condo is located in the same building as Tinkle Mobile's headquarters in the new real estate hotspot of Downtown Los Santos. This is such an up-and-coming neighborhood, you can literally see the construction from your window! Includes 10-car garage."
"Situated at the epicenter of the Los Santos financial, business and high-end shopping districts, youll never have to see a poor person again at this luxury condo on Alta Street if you dont want to. Everything you need is right on your doorstep. Includes a 10-car garage."
"With its own Bean Machine outlet in the ground floor and a short commute to the financial center, this luxury condo on Alta Street in Downtown Los Santos is the perfect pad for the banker who never sleeps because hes having too much fun gambling with other peoples money. Includes a 10-car garage."
"This luxury condo on Marathon Avenue and Prosperity Street, in one of the most stylish apartment buildings in hip Del Perro, directly opposite the Bahama Mamas nightclub for the perfect release at the end of a hard days work. Includes 10-car garage."
"Luxury Del Perro Heights apartment complex! For all you voyeurs out there! This spectacular condo is one of the lower units so might not boast the best views, but all the buildings around you will have a direct eyeline into your awesome life 24/7. Includes 10-car garage."
"10-Car Garage - With good access to the major roadways in and out of Los Santos, this spacious garage is perfect for the man or woman who might need to leave town in a hurry. Or is obsessed with cars."
"10-Car Garage - Newly renovated garage with excellent square footage and direct road access. What better place to keep brand-new vehicles than the neighborhood with the highest crime rate in Los Santos?"
"10-Car Garage - In a prime location near Greenwich parkway in Los Santos International Airport next door to Bilgeco Shipping services, this garage is perfect for a man or woman who might need to transport something in a hurry or get out of a town in a hurry."
"10-Car Garage - Garage for sale on Exceptionalists Way. Why would you need a spacious, anonymous, non-descript lock-up with lots of space for storage close to the airport? We won't ask if you don‘t tell."
"Part of The Independence Day Special. Crazy movie director across the road? Check. Astronomically over-priced property where your car has more square footage than you do? Check. If you're looking for the full Vinewood Hills experience, this modest home ticks all the boxes. Includes 6-car garage."
"Part of The Independence Day Special. Stunning views of rapidly rising sea levels! And talk about amenities! This Paleto Bay beauty is walking distance to a dive bar, hospital, funeral home, crematorium and gun store, so you can go out on the town secure in the knowledge that you're covered for every eventuality. Includes 6-car garage."
"Part of The Independence Day Special. Check out the water feature in the front yard! This is coastal, provincial living at its very finest. Worried about shade? Want easy access to groceries? How about two for the price of one? This house backs right onto the supermarket, blocking out all natural light. Includes 6-car garage."
"Part of The Independence Day Special. Calling all gentrifers... El Burro Heights is ripe for hostile takeover! Pack up the espresso machine, labradoodle and deliberately tousled toddler and snap up this property before its too late! Act now, or you'll be priced out of this neighborhood within a year! Includes 6-car garage."
"This modern, renovated one-bedroom is in a well-maintained building in a great West Vinewood location. Buy now at the bottom of the market! Property values cant go any lower! Were absolutely sure this time! Includes 6-car garage."
"Location is in the eye of the beholder! Some might call this a busy traffic junction, we call it a Commuters Dream! Some might call this Little Seoul, we call it Vespucci so we can up the price! Includes 6-car garage."
"Join the other creative types flocking to this neighborhood. With easy access to both a movie theater and a church, this apartment in Dream Tower is perfect for lovers of fiction. Includes 6-car garage."
"This newly-renovated one-bedroom in Downtown Vinewood is a STEAL! Hurry this one wont last! It did last! $10,000 price reduction! Crazy value! Move NOW the price is right! Everythings negotiable. Motivated seller. Reduced again for quick sale! Will someone just buy this already??? Includes 6-car garage."
"This building has seen better days - the closest thing to a doorman is a homeless guy you sometimes have to step over to get into the lobby at night - but how else are you going to find a Vinewood apartment in your price range? Hope you like the smell of urine. Includes 6-car garage."
"Part of The Independence Day Special. Fall asleep to the sounds of the ocean and bums dumpster-diving in the parking lot. This cute-as-a-button property is centrally located on Paleto Bays main street, a short walk from the coast and next door to the local supermarket. Includes 2-car garage."
"Part of The Independence Day Special. Beggars CAN be choosers! Waterfront living at a bargin price! Steps away from both a Chinese resturant and a tatto parlor, this Sandy Shores location offers no shortage of late-night decisions youll regret in the morning. Includes 2-car garage."
"Part of The Independence Day Special. Location, location, location! Across from a feed store, minimart and discount clothes emporium, this house is right in the heart of the action on Grapeseeds main drag. Living on the cutting edge of rural retail! Includes 2-car garage."
"With both Wigwam and Up-n-Atom right on your doorstep, burger enthusiasts will be spoiled for choice at this apartment located in Del Perro or Morningwood, depending on which side of the building you stand. Includes 2-car garage."
"Original features! This cozy apartment in West Vinewood had only one owner, who didnt update a single thing since he moved in there 40 years ago and then passed away - it was days before anyone noticed. Includes 2-car garage."
"With a funky retro decor and carpeted throughout, you can literally smell the history in this Del Perro apartment that features an almost unobstructed ocean view for an almost unbeatable price. Includes 2-car garage."
"2-Car Garage - This garage is situated on the site of Ron Alternates on N. Senora Way. What better way to feel better about your carbon footprint than by storing your gas-guzzlers inside a wind farm?"
"2-Car Garage - Across from the beach, ocean views, steps from a delicious seafood restaurant, this property on Great Ocean Highway in North Chumash is in an unbeatable iocationi The catch? It's a garage.."
"2-Car Garage - Steps from a liquor store, a Dollar Pills pharmacy, a Suburban store, and an Animal Ark pet store, this garage on Route 68 in Harmony is a hipster's dream. Booze, cigarettes, faux-vintage clothing and organic dog food in onel"
"2-Car Garage - The town of Grapeseed offer a unique blend of heavy industry and genetically-modified farming that explains why everyone born there in the last 20 years looks so funny. This small garage on Grapeseed Avenue needs some TLC but is priced to sell."
"2-Car Garage - Calling all bargain hunters! In today‘s economy, it‘s all about desirable properties in undesirable areas. East Los Santos? We prefer to call it ‘South of Vinewood'l Plus if the economy keeps tanking, you can go live in it!"