Coq O Vin/Transcript

Transcript

Female announcer: Now, prepare to get your juices flowing inappropriately with bloodcurdling chef Richard Goblin. It's Coq O Vin. Male announcer: It's Coq O Vin with your host, Richard Goblin. The audience applauds. Richard Goblin: Yes, yes, thank you for the clapping. Okay, cook out, everybody, 'allo, everybody tout le monde, all you American our there on the airwaves of elle. I am Richard Goblin, I am chef, okay. Maybe you didn't know what a chef is? He's like, the person who makes your hamburger, only the difference being I know how to cook. You see, you flip food over like a fat woman or like an old pet, but you do not know how to make love with food, you crap on it like a dog, and then you lick yourself. (spits) This is culture, huh, if there is not a dirty word in this country, huh? The culinary delights of slaughtering innocent wee calves (chuckles) and boiling animals alive to really taste the suffering, hm? So, let's hit the phone, like it is a little baby lamb fresh out of its mama's womb and desperate to end up in my casserole. 'Allo, speak! Stuffing Woman: Hi, Richard, how are you? I love the show. Richard Goblin: Of course you do. Well, I am in eternal torment, like every genius. Since you ask, finesse in the kitchen blunt trauma in the bedroom, no? Stuffing Woman: Uh, great. Yeah, whatever. I'm having a real problem with my stuffing. Richard Goblin: Ah, you're married, no? Stuffing Woman: Yes. Richard Goblin: But you cannot get stuffed, huh? (chuckles) I've seen this so many times: so many women, so little time, food and the impotence. See, for the stuffing, you try and use your leftover cornbread. When to spice up the food, family must get together, bring your sister in the kitchen, open the back door is like love, cherie, put in the time, put in the effort, oven done, then you get a bun in the oven, maybe of leftovers. Stuffing Woman: Uh, yeah... Richard Goblin: Listen, so I do a demonstration, okay? Here, right in front of me a lovely little goose, all plucked and naked, and I am going to stuff her. Okay, cooking is like, (starts attacking the goose) yeah, take that you bitch! Take it, take it, take it all! It needs a good fisting! Stuffing Woman: Eugh, what are you doing to that thing?! Richard Goblin: (finishes attacking the goose) Sometimes I eat a cucumber or a turnip, or some frog's bone, but today, it is just some breadcrumbs and a bit of spit to lubricate things. (spits) Hmm, beautiful. C'est magnifique! Stuffing Woman: Oh my God, you're barbaric! I would never treat my food like that. Richard Goblin: Pathetic wench! An onion explodes on a plate like a grenade, and you baguette a stallion. War and food, they do not mix, unless you are invading, mm-hmm. I bet you make your man with deodorant! You revolt me. Barbarian, moi? No, no, des a le madame, lady, you are a babrian. Nobody calls Richard Goblin a babrian, ria, du du pas! (spits twice) You Americans, you are totally same, so, tout de même, how little do you know of la vraie couture, huh, a brief culture of le monde? When we join with the native Americans to defend you against the British, you forget this: you American, you're all the same, huh? Nobody sit down for dinner anymore, that's because hey, listen. Listen to Richard, okay? I would rather eat contents of my toilet bowl after a fat man with hemorrhoids who ate curry than eat the shit most Americans serve. Who is on my phone now?! Deedra: Hi, my name's Deedra. Richard Goblin: Well, drerie, would you rather eat the shit most Americans serve, or the shit out of the toilet bowl? Deedra: Excuse me? Richard Goblin: You heard me. Are you the kind of woman who would date a vegetarian? Deedra: Yeah, of course, I'm not prejudice. Richard Goblin: Vegetarian meat, so called "meat-free meat"! Okay, so, listen, this is like a man who leaves a watermelon out in the sun, so it feels like a woman. Why not make love to a woman? You're not Greek! What is it with the watermelon? Deedra: I'm a married woman, I've got three kids. Richard Goblin: Kids, kids! Are you a goat, maybe? I eat goat, hm! No on the grass, Billy, baah! Maybe you eat carpet? Deedra: You are insane and offensive. I just wanted to ask a question about the ethical way to eat meat. I'm absolutely terrified of factory farming. Those poor little chickens! Richard Goblin: Ah, no wonder your husband played the field! But I tell you anyhow, okay? Hm, listen to Dick. Of course, it is brutal and nasty to buy your meat in a supermarket. The things here in the studio, (gasp) we have many pretty animals, some beautiful cows, some pigs and dogs, some babies, three missionaries I killed last week, but, unfortunately, life is nasty and brutish. A cow is heard mooing. Richard Goblin: What we got there? This beautiful cow, Daisy, is heavily pregnant. Daisy is heard mooing. Richard Goblin: Oh, amazing! She's giving birth...right into my pan. It's really amazing! Hm, the meat is so tender! Something is heard dropping inside the pan and sizzling. The audience is amazed and claps. Daisy moos again. Richard Goblin: Daisy, I'm sorry, this daddy's going to eat your baby. Poor Daisy... (gasp) maybe poor Daisy wants to be mincemeat, huh, huh, huh?! (begins slaughtering Daisy) Maybe she's not got a choice! What are you going to say now, vegetarian?! You are weak, and I'm strong! This cow was a vegetarian, she ate, like, the hay. I think I make myself clear. Let's take a quick break while I drink some of this mess up. Ooh, (drinks some blood) it's fresh! The program takes a break for a commercial. Chateau de Buf advert plays. Man: Hey baby, what's up? Hey, let me get you a little some. Hey, bartender, couple beers right here! Woman: You better get that 40 oz malt liquor away from me. I need some real romance! Male announcer: Getting laid is never easy, but it just got a little easier with Chateau de Buf. The continental, sophisticated and oh so European way to get her shitfaced and sorry in the morning. Woman: Ooh, I feel like I'm in Europe. Got some cheese for this shit? Male announcer: It's a perfect companion to the table or night stand. Grab a bottle, smell the cork, sniff the contents and look instantly civilized. It's the wine that merges sophistication and nuance with complex and satisfying results. Woman: Ooh, this wine's delicious! Let's call out some boots. Male announcer: Chateau de Buf. Chateau de Buf commercial ends. LCFR station ident plays. Male announcer: LCFR - it's community radio, with more syndicated content. The Coq O Vin program resumes. The audience applauds. Richard Goblin: Welcome back and bienvenue encore, you're on Coq O Vin with me, Richard Goblin, putting the culture back into your fridge. Speak! Activist: Hello, Dickie, I'm so pissed at you! Richard Goblin: What are you talking to, your trousers? Activist: You gotta stop killing all these animals, man, it's really bad karma! Richard Goblin: Karma? What is "karma"? Oh, a bad song, maybe, hm? Activist: I mean, it's a major buzzkill listening to you slaughter all these animals. What's wrong with teaching people how to cook, like, pizza, or salad, helping you stop killing these poor, cute little animals? Richard Goblin: Eh, you know what, thanks for your very interesting point of view, you big girl! I mean, I ask which comes first: the egg or the chicken? It matters very little, okay, they both taste nice after a cock fight. Pathetic! But, since you ask, you want old Goblin to cook you a pizza? Here it is: eyeball and perineum calzone! Mmm...delicious! First, take a large mammal, say, a cow or a rhino, then take the eyeballs and the perineum, and slice them up. Okay, and then maybe you kill the mammal, that is up to you, then you put the whole thing in the calzone et voila, magnifique! I feel I can see animal wants so fille, with its perineum once felt. It's really amazing, it's really fresh and arty. The children, they will love it! Who is on my phone? Souffle Woman: Hi, Richard? I cannot get my souffle to rise. I mean, I've been pulling at it for a week, but the bitch just lies there like a dead dog not getting up. Richard Goblin: Ah, the souffle. Many, many bread, many fallen little feet, unable to master tricky ways. Your face goes numb just trying, huh? Okay, first, you must slap her about a bit, show her who is boss, and then you must put in the vital ingredient into any souffle. Souffle Woman: 4 shakes, right? Richard Goblin: Exactly! This is why the souffle is only on the menu once a month in my restaurant, when my wife can spare it! Ha ha, next caller, dammit! Tourist: Yeah, hi, I've been listening to your show over Internet radio, and... Richard Goblin: So you can touch yourself and look at funny picture, huh? Tourist: No. You gotta stop with the stereotypes. I've been to France, the people there are cool. This whole thing is nonsense, perpetuated by the media to distract us from the real issues. Richard Goblin: The media, huh? Love media. Okay, what, you know, maybe you go watch some Weazel News, huh? Well, I guess what, buddy, I cook weasel, upwell the fur, and then pop you in the pooper! Tourist: What? Richard Goblin: What? You don't understand Goblin? Am I not speaking American? Let's go hail some grits, Jethro! But no, I must teach you, slowly, divine cooking. Next time on the show, we microwave a hamster! Until we meet again, s'il vous plaît, keep your coq out of the vin. The Coq O Vin program ends. Female announcer: That one is particularly popular with the animal rights crowd, but as we know, animals can't vote. That's why we have to kill them.