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"This is Chatterbox, we're talking about short guys, nannies, taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello! You are on Chatterbox..."
GTA III


Chatterbox FM is the first talk radio station in the Grand Theft Auto series. It is hosted by Lazlow.

It is one of the shows on Liberty City Free Radio in Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories, before becoming a station in its own right in Grand Theft Auto III.

In GTA III it is the first appearance in the game series of Lazlow and also of one of the guests in the radio, Fernando Martinez; both of them would eventually become recurrent characters in the Grand Theft Auto games.

Description

It is owned by Donald Love's Love Media and hosted by Lazlow, who in real life also produced the radio and the commercials for the game.

Chatterbox features a format in which listeners call in with opinions, concerns and complaints, and the host responds with their take on the situation. The station also features two long interviews with Liberty City characters — one with the pacifist, organic food-eating martial artist Reed Tucker, and one with the "cheap pimp from Upstate Liberty", Fernando Martinez (who, like Lazlow, would become too a recurring character in the Grand Theft Auto series, on- and off-radio). Chatterbox FM is the Triads' favorite radio station.

In his first appearance in the series, Lazlow is depicted as a sane, calm, composed, rational and down-to-earth man, who would respond with an "only sane man" attitude to the crazy and eccentric remarks of his callers on the Chatterbox FM radio. Players used to Lazlow's later eccentric personality might be shocked when seeing how Lazlow was actually a nice guy in his first appearance in GTA III and how his personality changed drastically through subsequent games (and also in-universe years).

Content

Grand Theft Auto III

The replies Lazlow gives to his callers are usually comically caustic and opinionated. A common reply to nonsense callers is "well I'm sure that's a lesson to us all". Lazlow off-handedly mentions that he is only hosting Chatterbox because he "got kicked off the rock station"; he is heard hosting V-Rock in GTA Vice City and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories (with Cousin Ed). When he first takes the Chatterbox job in 1998, he is referred to as the host "run out of both Vice City and San Andreas".

The callers and calls include a British man calling to tell Lazlow that he needs a nanny to spank him (a call so popular it would spawn a similar call about witches in GTA Vice City, and even its own commercial in GTA San Andreas); a man calling in regard to taxes (which he pronounces like "Texas"); Toni Cipriani calling with an embarrassing story about his mother; a nudist man who hates clothes ("does a lion wear clothes? And the lion is the king of the jungle!"); and Maria Latore calling regarding relationship troubles with her boyfriend, Claude (the mute protagonist of GTA III; Maria complains that "he don't talk too much" and that "he's always working and hanging out with the guys").

One caller calls in to talk about turnips, and Lazlow responds, "this isn't Gardening With Maurice". "Gardening with Maurice" would later be heard on WCTR in GTA San Andreas, a game set nine years before GTA III.

One of the calls is from a SPANK addict; he refers to Lazlow as a pansy, and rants about conspiracies and government brainwashing involving toothpaste.

One of the callers mentions killer bees, saying that they will "take over"; another caller to Chatterbox said the same thing in GTA Liberty City Stories, a game set three years before GTA III. The caller in GTA Liberty City Stories says that honey is "bee shit", and that killer bees will come.

One caller is a Colonel in the United States Military, who talks about the Australian-American War. It is unknown whether the war was actually fought, because neither Lazlow nor anyone else in the games seem to think it happened. It's likely that the war was entirely made up in the caller's head.

A caller who indicates he is fond of eating animals of any kind says he sometimes finds pigeons that have notes attached, commenting "it's like a fortune cookie with wings". Another caller, a woman from "Citizens Raging Against Phones" (C.R.A.P.), a pressure group against the use of telephones, declares that the group uses carrier pigeons in the place of telephones, but that they keep going missing, implying that these are the pigeons the prior caller is eating. In GTA Liberty City Stories, the predecessor to C.R.A.P. was Citizens United Negating Technology, and its caller to Chatterbox warns that they will first shut off "the internet, then we're going after the phones."

Reed Tucker is a guest on Chatterbox. It is said by both Lazlow and Reed that he has a food market ("Now and Zen Dojo") in Trenton, but none exists in the game. After the Reed Tucker conversation, a caller yells at the end of the call "free Kevin!", reference to infamous computer hacker Kevin Mitnick. Reed appears on talk radio again in GTA San Andreas, making a comment about masticating that the show's host, Marvin Trill, interprets as masturbation due to Reed's lisp. He reappears as a caller on Chattersphere in GTA V making fun of Lazlow for having no friends.

The guests on the station were voiced by: A.M. Watson, Abbi Davis, Ami Plasse, Bernie S., Cameo Carlso, Dan Houser, David Connell, Debi Mazar, DJ Rush, Frank Chavez, Frank Fava, Hank Stewart, JD Leeds, Jay Crutcher, Jennifer Kolbe, Joe Casalino, Karin Bykowski, Keith Broadus, Kim Schaefer, Kit Halsted, Kyle MacLachlan, Laura Bykowski, Lucien Jones, Mellowvision.com, Michael Madsen, Navid Khonsari, Nick Mandelos, Paul Maloney, Porkchop, Reed Tucker, Renaud Sebbane, Sabby and Sherry Wohglmuth.

Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories

In GTA Liberty City Stories, which is set three years before GTA III, Lazlow's callers are diverse but generally offensive, including someone who wants to pave over the cemetery next to the Liberty City Cathedral and put a large square concrete building (complete with state of the art electronic facilities) to supposedly counterbalance the seemingly imposing cathedral, a Gothic girl wanting to cast spells on Lazlow, a foul-mouthed cannibal who asks why he can't eat people, a man obsessed with shaving, a 7-year-old girl with a very foul mouth, and a man complaining about Vinewood ("if I see one more damn movie with ten kids, a dog in a wheelchair and some damn baseball championship. I'm going to start killing people and blame it on Vinewood"). Ma Cipriani, the mother of the game's main character, also calls in, but gets angry with Lazlow when he calls him "Grandma", calling him Lazarus and Lazard, and threatening him with a Mafia assassination. This is a homage to GTA III, where Toni calls Lazlow explaining how much his mother controls his life.

Grand Theft Auto IV

In GTA IV, when Lazlow is first mentioned on the radio, raising funds for his new radio project, Integrity 2.0, he is referred to as the host of the "long-defunct Chatterbox FM". The station also lists every other radio job Lazlow had, including working at V-Rock, in 1984 and 1986, and Entertaining America on WCTR in 1992.

Transcript

Transcript
Lazlow: Alright, Liberty City! This is your talk radio show, Chatterbox, where your opinion matters. Let's go to the phones. Hello, caller. You are on Chatterbox.
Survivalist Caller: Hey, you ever had 'possum? That's some good eatin'.
Lazlow: Nah (laughs) I really can't say I have.
Survivalist Caller: Well, why don't you try it some time? I tell you, man, it's good eatin'. 'Possum, racoons, even zebra meat cooks up pretty good!
Lazlow: Uhh... Do you have anything else to say, or...?
Survivalist Caller: Pigeons. Pigeons are good too... Sometimes, they come with notes attached just like a fortune cookie with wings... Squirrels? Squirrels is not so good. They taste like goldfish. Their meat's real stringy, you know what I mean?
Lazlow: Actually, I can't say that I do... But if I DID eat too much squirrel and put on a few extra pounds, I'd use the Dormatron! Unlike those other exercise machines that require you to be awake, the Dormatron actually exercises you overnight. Let's learn a little bit more about it.
Chatterbox segment ends, commercial break starts. A Dormatron advert plays.
Dormatron Woman: I've tried everything and I just couldn't keep those extra two-hundred pounds off. It started to affect my marriage.
Dormatron Woman's Husband: She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!
Dormatron Woman: The abdomatrics, the tighersizer, tommy stapling... I've had my mouth sown up, my hands chopped off. You name it - I tried it.
Dormatron Woman's Husband: Yeah, except for exercising and eating right, porky.
Dormatron Woman: That's right, honey... Then I found the Dormatron! Using a new technology called biorhythmic subconscious gymnastics, the Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms and legs, put on the Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to eleven and burn those pounds away while you have a relaxing night's sleep. Now that I lost two-hundred and eighty pounds, my husband's all mine again!
Dormatron Woman's Husband: That's right, honey. No more escort services for me!
Dormatron Salesman: Don't be fat a day longer than you have to. Remember - being fat can even ruin a romantic cruise!
A cruise ship's horn is heard.
Dormatron Salesman: Call Dormatron now at one-eight-hundred-SLEEPOFFLARN, or visit WWW.SLEEPOFFLARN.COM and sleep your way to a thinier, happier you.
Chatterbox segment ends, commercial break starts. A Maibatsu Monstrosity advert plays.
Maibatsu Monstrosity Advert Man: I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to work on a highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that could seat twelve and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra. It just makes me feel better!
Maibatsu Monstrosity Advert Woman: The new Maibatsu Monstrosity... Mine is bigger!
Maibatsu Monstrosity advert and commercial break ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: Well, that's a good commercial. I love commercials, don't you? This is Chatterbox, we are uhh taking your calls right now... Hello caller! You are on the air.
Name Caller: Hi Lazlow. Is that your real name?
Lazlow: Uh huh. Of course it's my real name.
Name Caller: Are you Hungarian?
Lazlow: (laughs) Uhh, no. I'm from Upstate.
Name Caller: Are you sure that's not a fake radio name, like Andy or Bobo? I thought all those radio people had fake names.
Lazlow: Do you have a question or you just wanna sit here and talk all day about my name?
Name Caller: No. That's it. Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or Don. Or Bentley. Whatever your name is.
Lazlow: Alright, next caller, you're on Chatterbox. What is on your mind?
Gardener Caller: Turnips. Fruit vegetables. Y'know, "Albino carrots" as they're known back home.
Lazlow: Okay. Here's the deal. This isn't "Gardening with Maurice". That's on later!
Gardener Caller: No.. He got taken off the air. He lied, I know he did. I've been trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a pekingese midget fighting bitch for the last two years and it is impossible. Impossible I tell ya.
Lazlow: Okay... And speaking of impossible, Jane from Cedar Grove is on the line and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being a parent today. Hello, Jane.
Jane: Hi Lazlow. I love the show. I'm a first time caller. I wanted to say something about these video games. They are warping our kids' minds! My son's dog, Hugo got hit by a truck and he says "Mommy, mommy, where's the reset button?". Kids these days, they think life is a game. Well, it's not a game, Lazlow. It is very, very serious. I let my kid play video games and now he runs around the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to go chase money. My little Sam's been playing this new video game called Pogo the Money.
Lazlow: Yeah, I've heard of that one.
Jane: The shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a home-made banana cannon in shop class and was lobbing them across the street at a fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of video games. Lazlow, life does not have a reset button.
Lazlow: Right, but this show does.
Lazlow presses the 'reset' button and hangs up.
Lazlow: Ah, I love that button. Y'know it's never a dull moment on this show, especially if you're in our key demographic.
A short message from station owner Donald Love plays.
Donald Love: Love Media. Bring people and the finest in entertainment together.
Donald Love's message ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: Alright! Hello! Next caller. You're on Chatterbox.
SPANK Caller: I want to talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? What, do you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you pansy!
Lazlow: Wh-What's your question?
SPANK Caller: SPANK! SPANK SPANK! SPANK!
Lazlow: (laughs) What about it? I mean that's not really a question. Questions usually start with words like 'how' and 'why' and they end with your voice going up like this.
SPANK Caller: Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the rest!
Lazlow: How's that?
SPANK Caller: Chloride is evil, dude! And toothpaste? They use it to control us! Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush it twice a day? I've read books.
Lazlow: And what book have you been reading that tells you that toothpaste is evil?
SPANK Caller: "Dentists, The Devil and The Great Cavity Cover Up" by Jay Fell Hickenbottom. If you've seen what I've seen, and if you've heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again.
Lazlow: I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes you go crazy later in life.
SPANK Caller: I've told you before, man. Don't mock me. My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!
Lazlow: Sir, this is a commercial radio station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that node, it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to say if -uh- anyone else is stressed, may I recommend Equanox from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals? We'll be back after these important messages.
SPANK Caller: HELLO?
Chatterbox segment ends, commercial break starts. An Equanox advert plays.
Equanox Advert Woman: I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes I'd get scared before an important event, such as childbirth or a family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help navigating life's trouble spots. That's when I discovered Equanox!
Equanox Advert Man #1: After the divorce and losing little Tommy life was getting me down. I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equanox, I've been employee of the month three times in a row!
Equanox Advert Man #2: I used to fall unconscious for hours at a time. Now with Equanox, I never need to sleep!
Equanox Salesman: Equanox is new from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your doctor about Equanox today.
Equanox Disclaimer: Equanox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred vision, leakage, guinea problems and breathing orilarities. Not take Equanox if you're operating a machinery, driving a car, pregnant, child or underage or have a family history of mental disorders.
Equanox Salesman: Equanox. Softening life's harsh realities.
Equanox advert ends. Liberty City Survivor advert plays.
Liberty City Survivor Announcer: Tonight, the TV event that will make history: Liberty City Survivor! This takes reality TV to a whole new level. We'll take twenty recently paroled guys, equip them with grenade launchers and flamethrowers and let them hunt each other down. It's the reality show where you just may be part of the action.
Liberty City Survivor Man: I was grabbing a sandwich at the Happy Blimp, and all of the sudden these guys crashed through the window and started shooting at each other. I was so excited! I didn't even notice that I've been hit! After that I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor. I watch it every day in the hospital!
Liberty City Survivor Announcer: The game doesn't end until there's only one man left standing. Tune in nightly or watch the twenty-four hour live webcast. Liberty City Survivor. Natural selection... Has come home!
Liberty City Survivor Announcer #2: Sponsored by Ammu-Nation.
Liberty City Survivor advert and commercial break ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: Alright, we're back on Chatterbox. Call us on the Chatter-line to tell us what's on your mind. Line four, you're on Chatterbox. What's on your mind?
Cocks Caller: LIBERTY CITY COCKS RULE!
Lazlow: Ah, that's lovely. Thanks. Next caller. You're on Chatterbox.
Sand-Women Caller: That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are made from sand.
Lazlow: Okay, great. Another lunatic. Hello, next caller, you are on Chatterbox.
Midget Caller: Yeah, you were talking about short guys and attitudes. Well, you know, you'd have an attitude too if you couldn't reach the 'friggin cheesy-squirrels at the grocery store.
Lazlow: Yeah, I mean sometimes it seems like the whole world is against you, I mean-
Midget Caller: You know, we're not talking about you. What kind of egomaniac are you? You've got your own show. How about letting other people talk for a change? You're all the same you giants. "Oh, I'm tall. I'm so important. Listen to me talk about my tall stuff. I think I'll put this on the top shelf. Hey, what's the weather like down there? How's it going short stuff? Can you get that? You're closer! Why so sad, Peewee?" Who do you think you are!? Short people are people too!
Lazlow: Alright, another award winning show on Chatterbox. Today we're talking about anything it seems. If you have something to say about anything, call now. Hello, caller. You're on Chatterbox.
Guns Caller: Yeah, I love the show. Love hearing people's opinions. That's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And stuff. Most of all guns. I've had it with people whining that guns kill people. Guns don't kill people, death kills people! Ask a doctor. It's a medical fact you can't die from a bullet. You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or major hemorrhage. Small piece of metal ain't the problem. Besides, I only use my machine gun in the safety of my own home and car. I ain't hurting anybody. And countries that don't have guns ain't American!
Lazlow: You know, that's a really good point. Countries that don't have guns aren't American. You know, if more people had guns we'd have less shootings in this country! (sigh) Alright, we're going over here to line two. Hello, caller. You are on Chatterbox.
Tax Caller: Yeah, I'd like to say something about taxes.
Lazlow: You mean the lone star state?
Tax Caller: No, taxes! Well, y'know, look. Taxes are really wrong. My father worked his whole life. He played the lottery. And now the state wants him to pay taxes from the money he wins from that stuff? Buy your own lottery tickets! Y'know, hey...
Lazlow: Good point. I think that's a lesson to us all. Alright. Hello, you are on Chatterbox!
Freddy: Hello, Lazlow. I'm a first time caller. I recently moved to Liberty City from Hampshire in England.
Lazlow: Really? How do you like it? I mean is it hard to get used to the language? You speak English pretty good!
Freddy: Oh, thank you, Lazlow. Yes, yes, I do like it here. There's one thing though that's very different and rather worrying. When I was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict, Lazlow.
Lazlow: Yeah, well, I mean, there's excellent child care here in America, I- Y'know..
Freddy: Well I'm sure, but the thing is, Lazlow, when I was a naughty boy, I would get spanked. Nanny would spank me when I was naughty. And now Freddy needs a nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to get spanked.
Lazlow: Well, there's some child-psychologists who'd probably say that spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development.
Freddy: Absolute rot, Lazlow. It's lovely. Freddy needs a nanny. He NEEDS a nanny Lazlow, because Freddy's been a very naughty boy.
Lazlow: How old is your son?
Freddy: Excuse me?
Lazlow: How old is your son?
Freddy: I don't have children! I can't stand the little splats! But Freddy needs a nan-
Lazlow: Alright, that's enough of him. God, who gave this guy a green card? This is Chatterbox, we're talking about short guys, nannies, taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello, you are on Chatterbox.
Numbers Caller: I was listening to that caller about taxes. His views were a little extreme. How do you expect to be a responsible member of society if you don't understand how the government spends your money? Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and cosine are two of the most elegant and incredible discoveries of humanity. I mean, the Cartesian coordinate system has an elemental power I find liberating and even sexy. And I'm not ashamed to say it.
Lazlow: Okay, thanks for calling. Now that we lost ninety eight percent of our audience, let's reward the other two percent with a commercial! When we come back we'll have a special studio guest. Special, because he advertises on this radio station! Remember - it's not a conflict of interest if we own all the radio stations in town. We'll be right back after this message.
Commercial break begins. House of Tomorrow advert plays.
House of Tomorrow Advertisement Announcer: In today's fast paced world the split second can be the difference by achieving your dreams...
House of Tomorrow Advertisement Successful Man: Hey! I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!
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House of Tomorrow Advertisement Unsuccessful Man: Huh, I wonder if Rats is on tonight.
House of Tomorrow Advertisement Announcer: More Americans are realizing, if you don't have the latest and greatest technological devices, you will fall behind.
House of Tomorrow Advertisement Old Man: I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later I was diagnosed with a terminal illness. (cough)
House of Tomorrow Advertisement Announcer: That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly people at House of Tomorrow, and they'll set you up with all your 21st century technology needs.
House of Tomorrow Advertisement Man: I only spent twenty thousand dollars, and now I can get E-mailed in the shower, or surf the Internet while I'm driving. I was bored stupid at my daughter's recitals, and my son's little league games, huh, thanks to House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual reality poker! Literally anywhere!
House of Tomorrow Advertisement Announcer: If it's a flash-in-a-pan technology of absolutely no use anyone, you can find it at House of Tomorrow. Remember, only technology makes life worth living. House of Tomorrow - we'll upgrade your system, then you can upgrade your life.
House of Tomorrow advert and commercial break ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: And now it is my great pleasure to welcome Fernando Martinez, who, it says here, is the founder of "Fernando's New Beginnings" - a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. Fernando, welcome.
Fernando Martinez: The pleasure is mine, Lazlow. It is an honor to be here. I feel blessed.
Lazlow: Uhh, thanks. So, tell me about "Fernando's New Beginnings".
Fernando Martinez: Truly, Lazlow, it is a miracle. A blessing. It is a revolution in the marriage guidance. For my people, marriage is, how you say, sacred. The bond between the father and the mother - it is made in heaven... And in the bedroom. If you know what I mean.
Lazlow: Uhh.. I think so.
Fernando Martinez: For my people it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing imaginable. Like a church, yet for it to be a happy marriage, it must also be like a brothel. The woman, she must be many many arts. Be skilled in making house, cooking, changing the diapers on the baby, AND, she must also be a whore. A vixen in the bedroom. Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh. It is impossible, you change diapers, and then you are a french maid? Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not.
Lazlow: Well, I mean, you know, it's an age old problem. I mean, how do you keep the excitement in a merit.
Fernando Martinez: Excitement! Exactly! Passion, danger! How, Lazlow? How? Tell me how, and I give you a big big kiss, like I give a woman. But I am not going to give you a big kiss. Not a kiss like I give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because you do not know.
Lazlow: Well, I mean, in this case ignorance kind of seems like bliss. I-I wasn't really up for kissing on-air, I mean...
Fernando Martinez: Why not, Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible, even to you? Well, no matter. Why all this talking about kissing?
Lazlow: I mean, you brought it up!
Fernando Martinez: No, my friend. You say you not want to kiss me. I was talking how to say "hypothetically, you make me all personal". It's a big difference. If I say "Imagine if your wife was ugly", you can nod your head, but if I say "Hey, Lazlow! Your wife - she look like yesterday's dinner after I eat!", you not so happy. It's a big difference, my friend.
Lazlow: Anyway...
Fernando Martinez: The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an angel - MAYBE impossible. But a man is born a man. And a man with needs. He needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed, but for his bed he needs something else. Something magical. A dream. Subvenio.
Lazlow: So he starts flirting with this secretary, takes her out for a drink, one thing leads to another, and, before you know it, he's found all kinds of uses for the office furniture.
Fernando Martinez: Exactly, Lazlow. I know what you are like. I see it in your eyes. A wanderer, a dreamer. A man, who has needs. But an idiot. And I can save you. And I can save your marriage.
Lazlow: (laughs) My marriage doesn't need saving.
Fernando Martinez: Hey, you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant, and the office furniture, and the ay caramba, my friend. Listen, Lazlow, and listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift. It a present from above. But you are a man. I think we see by now you are no angel. I can save you, for when the man, he sees wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers, and the dirty panties, and the scrotum bush, and who knows what else, he's not thinking of marriage, eh! He's thinking about... Well, you thinking about your pretty assistant, we already know that, si?
Lazlow: Ehh... Go on.
Fernando Martinez: But, Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy for your little secretary with the short skirt, and the pretty eyes, and the comiter, comis smiling, what then, my friend? What then?
Lazlow: Uhm.. I get a sexual harassment suit.
Fernando Martinez: If you are lucky, my friend. But you more likely, your marriage is ruined, Lazlow. Your sweetheart, she hates you. Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man. You're back into square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like you. For me, once it was so. But then, one day, I was driving my car, and I realized: Fernando! You are blessed! YOU are a miracle. A thousand miracles rolled into one. You save the marriage, and you save the man. You don't put the marriage first, and you don't put the man first. Maybe, we call it "Man Marriage". Then I think to myself, "No, this is a bad name. It sounds really dumb.", then I think, we call it "Fernando's New Beginnings". Because that is what it is. A new beginning, Lazlow.
Lazlow: So, how does this work?
Fernando Martinez: It is a miracle, Lazlow. A miracle. A man is a good father, a loving husband - the winner of bread, six and a half days a week. On the spare half day, I save his life.
Lazlow: How?
Fernando Martinez: By giving him what he needs. In a controlled environment I give him passion.
Lazlow: What, with you? That kind of sounds like a limited market.
Fernando Martinez: Lazlow, you are very phraseless. I no like that. But no, not with me. Passion for life, passion for love. Passion for women, which he can take home to his wife, of course.
Lazlow: What, so you act like a pimp?
Fernando Martinez: Not a pimp, little man. A saviour. In a controlled environment I reintroduce the man to a pleasure he has lost. To the miracles of the world, and truly the results are remarkable! With my unique counselling a thousand marriages have been saved, and a million more can be saved every day.
Lazlow: Heh, and do the wives know about this?
Fernando Martinez: In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved.
Lazlow: Uhh... Okay. We're gonna open it up to the phones, if you've got any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance made easy, ring us now... Hey, oh, cool, we have a caller on line one. Caller, you are on Chatterbox.
Jerry: Hi, Lazlow, hey, Fernando. My name's Jerry, and I'm a first time caller. And I just wanted to say, hey, Lazlow. You were real tough on Fernando back there. I'll tell you one thing; he's a miracle worker! He saved my marriage, and I married an impossible woman. Now I don't feel sick every time I open my eyes.
Fernando Martinez: See, Lazlow? You see? I remember Jerry so well. He'd come in, he is like a broken man. Like a half a man. A "mon", if you will. He has no "in" anymore. And, his marriage, it is killing him! Where is the passion? She is gone. Replaced by ugliness. You see, Lazlow, Mrs. Jerry, she is not a pretty lady. She is more like an offensive line, or a tie-end. Big, and hairy. But fertile. She gives Jerry five kids, but she's even bigger. Now, she's like a whole offensive line. He feels no pride in himself. He has no pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady, who bares him so many young, and he comes to me, and he cries, "Fernando, save my marriage! I love my wife, even though she is a fat broker.", and I say, "Jerry, you are a man. It is a man's duty to love his wife, even if she is like a farmhouse.", and now Jerry is safe.
Lazlow: ...By sleeping with other women?
Fernando Martinez: Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing.
Lazlow: ...A beautiful union by an adulterer and Queen Kong? And that's great. So, uh, who's on the line now?
Janice: Hi, Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted to call in. You really offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash you've got on the show?
Lazlow: Hey, Janice, I share your anxiety. The studio kinda, uh, forced him on me.
Fernando Martinez: Hey, you watch yourself, mister! And you, Janice, why are you so ugly? Your husband, he no make you happy?
Janice: No, he's an idiot. And a jerk.
Fernando Martinez: But he's probably a good daddy. And you sound very pretty. Angry, and a little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty lady. This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think "New Beginnings" is only for men. But no, it is for women, too. For Janice, if her husband go to "New Beginnings", she thinks 'señor wonderful' all over again, and, in the extreme case, maybe she come to work for me, and she get a new beginning herself. She'd discover the excitement and passion all for herself. Listen, Janice, you call me: cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve-dos-nueve-dos!
Lazlow: (laughs) Hey, now listen, don't try to pimp out my listeners!
Fernando Martinez: That is a very ugly word. A travesty! I work miracles, señor, NOT pimping! I save, I give the passion back. And you better watch yourself, buddy, because for my people, they take these insults very personally. And then you no longer mister talk-show. You mister who-cut-off-my-tongue!
Lazlow: (laughs) Who are your people anyway? Uh, which exotic location do you come from?
Fernando Martinez: I, uhm... I am latin.
Lazlow: Latin is a big place there, buddy. Where in "latin"?
Fernando Martinez: I do not need to listen to these insults! I have pride, I have a calling. Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And I was called, AND chosen! To work a miracle!
Lazlow: So, uhh, where were you called from, Fernando?
Fernando Martinez: From Upstate, okay? You happy, manina? I'm not real latin, but I provide real latin passion. I work the miracles every day. Listen, wives, children, if your husband, if your daddy, if he no happy, send him to me, Fernando! In exchange for a few hours a week, I give you the world!
Lazlow: Get off, get lost, you're just a cheap pimp from Upstate! Get out of my studio!
Fernando Martinez: I save your daddy! I save your husband! It is a miracle!
Lazlow: Get out of here!
Fernando Martinez: IS A MIRACLE!!
Chatterbox segment ends, commercial break starts. Pets Overnight advert plays.
Pets Overnight Salesman: Would you like a kitten? Have one delivered. Just log on to petsovernight.com, and we'll send you a cute kitten overnight. Petsovernight.com, delivering little bundles of love, in a box, directly to your door.
Pets Overnight advert and the commercial break ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: And now it's time for a public service announcement from station owner Donald Love.
Donald Love: Hello. My name is Donald Love. You are listening to a Love Media station. Enjoy.
Lazlow: Alright, we're back here on Chatterbox, the radio show that never gets old, I'm Lazlow, with open ears and a closed mind. Hello, you're on the air, what's your name?
Child-Beating Caller: I wanted to talk about spanking.
Lazlow: Oh god, not another one...
Child-Beating Caller: I think spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from wrong.
Lazlow: So you think that teaching kids at an early age that violence is the solution to problems will make valuable members of our society?
Child-Beating Caller: Exactly. I knew you'd understand, Lazlow. My daddy used to whoop the tar out of me, he once hit me so hard my spleen fell out of my ear. Didn't do me no harm. Look at me now, I'm the best pest control guy in east Portland. I've killed more rats, roaches and vermin than you can imagine, and I love it. This is such a great country, I wouldn't be where I am today if my daddy hadn't beaten me senseless!
Lazlow: (laughs) What are you talking about? Man, I'm starting to believe that guy about the fluoride in the drinking water. Listen, if there's any sane person left in Liberty City that can hear my voice, please, call the show right now. This is an S-O-S going out across the city. Alright, let's go over to this line. Hello, caller, you are on the air. Are you sane? Heh, are you a sane caller?
Killer Bee Caller: Absolutely, Lazlow. Killer bees.
Lazlow: K-Killer bees...
Killer Bee Caller: Yes, killer bees! Did you know that if their current migration north continues, we will all be dead in three years? Did you want to become a bee supper? I don't. That's why we must act now! Killer bees must be stopped.
Lazlow: I wonder why more people aren't talking about this, I mean, killer bees swarming, it sounds pretty serious.
Killer Bee Caller: Ahh. But the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't kill them. They are like sheep. They're going to take over.
Lazlow: Alright, thanks, caller. Ants, killer bees, fat people, what's plaguing you? Call now. Chatterbox, hello, you are on the air.
C.R.A.P. Caller: Ah, yes. I'd like to say something about these damn people on trains and buses in this city, who yammer on and on into their cellphones? I'm really glad we get to hear what you're having for dinner. What we should do is herd them up and put them on an island. I am the president of a group called Citizens Raging Against Phones.
Lazlow: C.R.A.P.?
C.R.A.P. Caller: Exactly!
Lazlow: Your organization's called crap? What kind of a moron are you? You want to round people up for using a phone, but you're calling up ON a phone to tell the world about it? I mean, how many people are there in this crap?
C.R.A.P. Caller: Citizens are raging against phones, Lazlow!
Lazlow: How many people?
C.R.A.P. Caller: There are three of us. It's hard organizing meetings without the phones, though. We had to resort to carrier pigeons, and they keep disappearing.
Lazlow: What are you speaking to me on? What's that in your hand?
C.R.A.P. Caller: I am not the problem! You are! And you're perpetuating the downfall of mankind. Liberty City was great before phones ruined everything.
Lazlow: Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and three houses when the telephone was invented!
C.R.A.P. Caller: Liar!
Lazlow: You're the liar!
C.R.A.P. Caller: Liar liar, pants on fire!
Lazlow: What? Are you three years old?
C.R.A.P. Caller: Lazlow's a liar, Lazlow's a liar! I bet that isn't even your real name.
Lazlow: Shut up!
C.R.A.P. Caller: You shut up.
Lazlow: Stupid.
C.R.A.P. Caller: Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!
Lazlow: Ooh, we're going to commercials...
Chatterbox segment ends. Commercial break begins. Rakin & Ponzer advert plays.
Rakin & Ponzer Announcer: Is your job affecting your health? Do you become fatigued? Does working take time away from family and social events like watching wrestling? There's an easy solution: sue your boss. See, the great thing about this country is you can sue anyone for pretty much anything, and you'll probably win, or at least get a settlement. At the firm of Rakin & Ponzer personal injuries attorneys, we can show you how falling down and howling like a sissy can result in a large damage award from your employer. We also specialize in awards in injuries suffered in auto, bus, and train accidents, and can even train you to throw yourself in front of a bus and pretend to be injured. Hey, that's why they pay for insurance! Call the law offices of Rakin & Ponzer and get ready to enjoy a life of luxury!
Rakin & Ponzer advert and the commercial break end. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, let's go to the Chatterline here, hello, caller, you are on Chatterbox.
Puppet Festival Caller: Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers aware that...
Lazlow: Okay, no, this is a radio show. We don't have viewers, we have listeners.
Puppet Festival Caller: Uhhh, okay... Anyway, Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers aware the first international Puppetry Festival is next month at the fairgrounds, bro. If you're interested in becoming a puppet master, or ventriloquist, you should definitely come down, dude. It's gonna be totally killer.
Lazlow: Huh, I wasn't aware that there was much demand for puppet shows these days.
Puppet Festival Caller: Oh, man! Have you been living under a rock, bro? Guys with puppets get chicks! I take my monkey puppet to the park all the time, we play hacky sack together, it's rad! But anyway, dude, at the International Puppetry Festival we'll be having workshops on finger puppets, too. "Hello, Petunia the Pinky, meet Barry the Thumb!", street puppets, club puppets, dude, it's gonna rock!
Lazlow: Heh.. Okay, thanks.
Puppet Festival Caller: Hope to see you there, Lazlow. Hey, by the way, can you give me that guy Fernando's number?
Lazlow: Nah, I'm sorry, Fernando hasn't paid his bill to our ad sales department, but here's someone who has, and they paid us in stacks old groats, and gold guineas, we'll be back after this.
Chatterbox segment ends. Commercial break begins. Medieval Millenium Fair advert plays.
Medieval Millenium Fair Announcer #1: Do you live in the boring suburbs, but dream of living in a lonely castle on a windswept moor? Do you long to trade in your sweatsuit for a hundred pound suit of armor and swap your SUV for a noble stallion? Do you eat microwave dinners, all the while wishing you were roasting a suckling pig at a pagan banquet? Is your next ideal home improvement a moat? Well, get ready, Liberty City!
Medieval Millenium Fair Announcer #2: This weekend and every weekend, at Liberty City park, it's the Medieval Millenium Fair! Our band of travelling minstrels, knights, and maidens, oh so fair, are ready to delight you with tales of the Black Death, witchburnings, and the joys of being a futile sir. Forget about air conditioning, and modern medicine, we've got all the leeches, spells, and potions you need at the Medieval Millenium Fair. Learn the art of cooking with turnips! Yum yum. Buy genuine reproduction medieval artifacts, including maces, double-handed battle swords, and one-size-fits-all chainmail! And this weekend only, pick up an authentic mechanical Lady of the Lake Excalibur. It's perfect for all your garden pond, or swimming pool. And learn to rid your condo of vermin using a pennywhistle and a mysterious prancing German named Hans. The Medieval Millenium Fair - every weekend at Liberty City park.
Medieval Millenium Fair advert and the commercial break end. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: Alright, Liberty City, you are listening to Chatterbox. The show that is the number one reason for the success of the Internet. Alright, let's take a call. Who's on the line?
Barry Stark: Clothes.
Lazlow: Wh-What about them?
Barry Stark: Clothes!
Lazlow: What are you talking about?
Barry Stark: Lazlow, clothes. Clothes, Lazlow! I hate them, I just hate them.
Lazlow: I mean, we're all about opinions on Chatterbox, which is Liberty City's premier phone-in station, but, why don't you like clothes?
Barry Stark: I just hate them. They're so constricting! I mean, does a lion wear clothes? And the lion is the king of the jungle! So why can't I, a humble citizen, go naked?
Lazlow: Well, I mean, I guess the lion has two distinct advantages over you, one, I mean, it's as you say, a king, and therefore it can exercise its royal prerogative to not wear clothes, and two, it's a cat, and therefore doesn't have to, and three, I mean, now that I think about it, if you want to try to dress a lion, you can, but I guess what we're learning is that life can be a bit unfair at times.
Barry Stark: I'm naked, Lazlow. I'm naked!
Lazlow: I-y'know, I really didn't need to know that.
Barry Stark: Why, Lazlow? Why? Does it offend you? I was born naked, and I'm gonna die naked, and I'm going to live naked, so there, there's nothing wrong with being naked. It's so invigorating feeling the hot leather of a chair, or the cool wind from the north of your naked body.
Lazlow: I'm gonna have to cut you off.
Barry Stark: Don't you believe in free speech, and free expression? No, of course you don't. All you believe in is free drinks. I'm naked and there's not a damn thing you can do about it, I'm naked, and I feel so good.
Lazlow: Well, what about winter?
Barry Stark: What do you mean?
Lazlow: Y'know, and what about winter? When the wind blows, and it's really cold, I mean, do you prance about like a ninny, waiting for your privates to go blue?
Barry Stark: I was born naked and I'm gonna die naked!
Lazlow: Heh, and all shriveled up, by the sound of things.
Barry Stark: Winter was invented the clothing companies. Clothes are unnecessary. They're ugly. Have you ever cooked in a nude?
Lazlow: No, I- Look, is this leading anywhere, I mean, because we've got a lot of other people waiting to talk about real things.
Barry Stark: Nudity is real! Open your eyes, take off your pants, come on. Come on, Lazlow, you can be a figurehead for Liberty City Naturists! We have one members now for the first time since 1977. Nudity is back. A lot of people are into nudity, and really understand the spiritual side.
Lazlow: What? Of hanging out with loads of naked chicks? I mean, I see the fun in it, but I just think clothes have distinct advantages, like, like not accidentally cooking yourself.. or, or when you're working on a building.
Barry Stark: We're not swingers! It's not about sex! It's about being one with the world.
Lazlow: Alright, dude, groovy, hug a rainbow. It's time for a public service announcement from Donald Love.
Chatterbox segment ends. A message from Donald Love plays.
Donald Love: Hello, I'm Donald Love. Under my guidance Love Media has emerged to the fastest growing U.S. run media conglomerate of the past five years, with newspapers, television, and radio stations across the U.S. and the free world, alongside a wide aray of industrial and technology interests, we, at Love Media, insure you get the truth behind the story every time. From films to dog food, from radio to pop music, you can be sure of independent quality led broadcasting every time you tune in. That's why we're the fastest growing cable supplier, and health insurance provider in the north east, and why our new satellite in China is something all Americans can be proud of. Here, at Love Media, we are proud of what we have done to help America, and help hard-working Americans relax. For investment opportunities, or information about our new interactive television service, please go to www.lovemedia.tv.
Message from Donald Love ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: Uuuh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Alright, let's go to line eight, hello, caller, what's your name?
Bob: Bob. Bob from Pike Creek.
Lazlow: Hey, what's up, Bob from Pike Creek?
Bob: Well, I've been listening to your show, and there's always people going on about problems in school. Guns, people showing disrespect to teachers, drugs, schools are breeding grounds for crime, ain't they?
Lazlow: Well, I guess it seems that way.
Bob: Well, I've got a real simple solution. Shut 'em down. Shut down the schools, and you shoot down the problem. No more dead teachers, no more angry students.
Lazlow: Well, you don't think...
Bob: No, I don't, never! Now listen to me, it makes perfect sense. Kids these days, they complain a lot, but you know what? They cost even more. "I need shoes, books, toys, even special tiny furniture pets," that sort of crap. It's all about "me", "me", "me", "me", "me", well not my Johnny, no sir, uh uh, I'm learning him the value of good, hard work. Learning him good. At three we taught him how to clean the bathroom, if he left so much as one hair on the soap, he was off to bed with no dinner. You know what? He went to bed hungry only twenty, maybe thirty times. He learned. Now he brings his mother lunch in bed every day, so she can sleep in. Lemme tell you, everyone should have their kid serving up food. He even cooks for the whole family! These days he's getting too big to sweep chimneys, so now he's a paralegal at Rakin & Ponzer. He's seven, and he's making, imagine me, twenty-three thousand a year! And on the weekends he doesn't go to the mall, play soccer, read, or do any of that kind of stuff, naw naw, he works in a basement of a marketing company, making photocopies all night. Hell, he goes to sleep during the day, that's another eight grand right there. So now I'm buying me a bass boat and trailer, what do you say to that?
Lazlow: Well, it sounds kind of like exploitation to me.
Bob: Ex-ploi-tation, man you bleeding hearts kill me! Johnny's mine. He's my kid. How can I exploit something I own? Explotation.. You sound like a communist! Kids in Russia - they don't work! That's why everything's so messed up over there. You have to waste lots of toilet paper! And their space station? It was made out of milk crates. I'll tell ya', working for a living is the American way. That, and the only thing more American is having folks work FOR ya'.
Lazlow: That sounds a little oppressive, and even despotic.
Bob: Exactly, Lazlow. You hit the nail on the head that time. He's my kid. I'm telling ya' - ya' shut the schools down, make the kids work. That book stuff is all for sissies anyway.
Lazlow: And doctors, and politicians, lawyers, whatever, y'know, I can't be bothered to argue with you, but I do feel sorry for your little Johnny, the seven year old cook, chimney-sweeper, paralegal photocopier, because his daddy's an idiot. Let's take a quick break.
Chatterbox segment ends. Commercial break starts. A Maibatsu Monstrosity advert plays.
Maibatsu Monstrosity Commercial Woman: Me and Phil just had another kid. So, of course, we need a bigger SUV! Being a mom is hard, with soccer, football, and the cross practice, so we bought the new Maibatsu Monstrosity. It's so big. We lost little Joey in the back and couldn't find him for an hour. When I'm rushing to the mall, or talking on my cellphone, I know me and my family are safe. The Maibatsu Monstrosity has four-wheel drive, and in amphibious mode, it can cross rivers! So far I've only hit a few puddles, but it's good to know it's there. With the time I save taking shortcuts through the strip mall parking lot, I can focus on the important things, like gazing longingly at the poolboy, or buying more exercisement equipment off the TV. So what if it gets three miles to the gallon? I'm a mom, not a conservationist! The new Maibatsu Monstrosity - mine is bigger.
Maibatsu Monstrosity advert ends. Pets Overnight advert plays.
Pets Overnight Salesman: Would you like a giraffe? Have one delivered! Just log on to petsovernight.com, and we'll send you a giraffe overnight. Petsovernight.com - delivering little bundles of love, in a box, directly to your door.
Pets Overnight advert and commercial break ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: Alright, you are listening to Chatterbox, hosted by me, Lazlow, because I got kicked off the rock station. Let's go over here and talk to somebody about their life. Hello, caller, you're on the air.
Martha: Hello, Leslie? My name's Martha, and I just love your show. I always listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated, I just wanted to say something about the Internet, y'know, the information super-highway - the world-wide-web?
Lazlow: Yeah, I know all about it...
Martha: Isn't it amazing? I mean, it's just incredible, I know a lot of people say it's absolutely a load of crap, but how can they be so dumb, it's remarkable, I think. Think of all the things you can do. I mean, suppose, you want to buy any CD, what do you do, Leslie?
Lazlow: I go to a shop, and the name's Lazlow.
Martha: I know, Leslie, I'm a regular listener... Well, I don't. I buy a CD online, and then I rip the music into a different format, so I can listen to it while I'm jogging. It's incredible. I also like chess, and cooking, and beastiality, so the Internet is really good for my hobbies. I think it's amazing. I used to go out a lot, but I don't have to go out ever again. It's incredible. I don't envy those kids with their stock options and their fast cars, they earned them, the Internet has saved my life!
Lazlow: This is really going nowhere. Do you have anything interesting to say at all?
Martha: Well, uhm.., well, I once recreated the Declaration of Independence.
Lazlow: That's phenomenal. That's probably the reason why there's so many single men in this city. Alright, let's go here to line seventy-nine, hello, you're on Chatterbox.
Maria Latore: Hello? Is that Lazlow?
Lazlow: Uhhh, yes?
Maria Latore: Oh wow, I'm on the radio! How exciting, oh thank you, Lazlow... Is this on the radio? I mean, am I actually on the video right this second?
Lazlow: Yes you are, I'm sure it's very exciting for you, but, uhh, what do you wanna talk about?
Maria Latore: Oh, man! What else is there, I could go on all day, but you know how it is, don'tcha, Lazlow?
Lazow: Uhh, not really, I mean, what's your name, what'd you call about?
Maria Latore: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Maria, you know, Maria, like mamma mio, only different, y'know, but, y'know men! M-E-N! Oh, it's a starter word, there's only three letters... You know what I mean, I mean, you broadcasters are all the same, aren't ya'? I mean, I heard about you, you're always out on "boys nights"?
Lazlow: Woah woah woah, what are you talking about? I'm married.
Maria Latore: Oh, one of those convenience jobs protects you, I bet? I know what you're all like, you know more about men than I know about leopard skin furniture. So less of that clever stuff, and give me some advice! I mean, come on, I've got real problems. You see, okay, I had this boyfriend, and at first he was real kind to me, he was a real gentleman, little bit older and everything, but, he treated me really good, and then it all went wrong, and so, y'know, I found someone else, and he seems real nice, but he don't talk too much, so I really can't tell if he likes me, and, well, I guess what I want to know is, y'know, how do you tell if a guy is serious? I mean, y'know, he treats me good, but he don't seem real interested in me, y'know, he's always working and hanging out with the guys... Uhm, say, you don't think he's like you, do ya?
Lazlow: What do you mean like me? What are you insinuating? That he's on the radio? Well, probably not. Uhh, you're listening to Chatterbox, where your opinion matters (or at least we say that), let's go over here to line four. Hello, caller, what's your name?
Jeff: Jeff from Rockford.
Lazlow: Hello, Jeff, what's up?
Jeff: I want to tell you, and your listeners about a once-in-a-lifetime chance to make a difference, there's a rally tomorrow evening at the park, starting at seven, although we'll be painting banners and singing songs all night and all day to prepare for it. Then, when tens of thousands have gathered in the park, we're gonna march on the town hall. Lazlow, the people have spoken, and they have said "No, not in my town". So, folks, if you're listening and want to make a difference, get yourselves down to the park, and prepare to bring democracy back to the people.
Lazlow: So, what's this rally about, Jeff?
Jeff: It's about people standing up and being counted. It's about the future. It's about telling those morons in the suits "No thanks. Not in my town. Not while I have a breath in my body, and hope in my soul. I will not, I cannot let this pass".
Lazlow: Let what pass?
Jeff: It's about grabbing the town by the balls and saying, "Listen, son. Time to put up, or shut up. No more mister nice guy, no more easy solutions to difficult problems". It's about what it means to be an American. It's about giving something back.
Lazlow: Giving what back, Jeff?
Jeff: Hope, dreams, belief...
Lazlow: Belief in what? I mean, look, Jeff, I admire your passion, really, I do, but what will people be marching for? What's your rally about?
Jeff: It's about justice, mister Low! A chance to shine and make a difference. About thousands of people walking side by side, as brother marches, only one thing on their minds. It's a chance to make a difference. Bring your friends. Nothing shows a man how much you mean to him more than the chance to walk together for justice. Bring your kids. They can paint signs, and we'll have a face-painter, and a vegan barbeque. Bring your parents. Dude, even the elderly care about tomorrow.
Lazlow: I understand that, it sounds like a great rally, but we're not a political station, and you haven't really told us why people should do this, what is it about.
Jeff: Look, look, do you want to help, or not?
Lazlow: I don't know what I'm helping!
Jeff: You're helping America. What kind of patriot are you? It's a rally!
Lazlow: You don't know what it's for, do you.
Jeff: It's for hope. Please come, everybody. It'll be real good.
Lazlow: Alright, you fight the power, brother. Say, later on in the show if you're into, uhh, health foods, or martial arts, we'll have a special guest just for you. This guy's really special. Kind of like a romantic cruise, but he can't walk on water. Alright, let's go to the phones, hello, caller, you're on Chatterbox.
Inspired Caller: Huh?
Lazlow: Heh, you're on Chatterbox. What's on your mind?
Inspired Caller: Oh wow! I can't believe it!
Lazlow: Heh, do you have a question?
Inspired Caller: Dude, I call every day, and I never get through, this is amazing. You do a great show, man.
Lazlow: Heh, thanks, what's, uhh, what's up?
Inspired Caller: No, man, I'm serious, really great. You're like a total inspiration!
Lazlow: Heh, and exactly what have I inspired you about?
Inspired Caller: Well, okay, right now I live at home, but pretty soon, like, next week, dude, I'm moving out, it's, uh, the big four-oh, and it's-it's just time to go.
Lazlow: Okay, did you have anything relevant to say?
Inspired Caller: Yeah, that bee dude was bogus. Really bogus. That's all. Great show, Lazlow.
Lazlow: I appreciate that. Y'know, that's why I went to broadcasting school. Alright, when we'll come back from these messages that help supplement my meager salary, we're going to talk to Reed Tucker, it's gonna be a great interview. We'll be right back.
Chatterbox segment ends. Commercial break begins. Eris advert plays.
Eris Spokesperson: A good shoe starts from the ground up. At Eris, we make high quality footwear. In fact, you can find Eris running shoes in over one hundred and forty countries around the world. In the past there's been some criticism about our workers. That's why I'm here, at one of the Eris factories, so you can meet some of them. Excuse me, sir, do you enjoy your job here?
Eris Child Employee: It's fun. We get to play with knives!
Eris Spokesperson: Heh, I see. Is there a real sense of teamwork?
Eris Child Employee: My friend Joey sewed his hands together!
Eris Spokesperson: Wow. You're learning some real skills. How about the salary and benefits?
Eris Child Employee: Yesterday I made a dollar!
Eris Spokesperson: See, that's the kind of dedication we have to our employees, and the quality of our shoes. Eris running shoes - always running from something.
Eris advert ends. Pets Overnight commercial plays.
Pets Overnight Salesman: Buying a gift for the guy that has everything? Log on to petsovernight.com. We've got exotic pets galore, including tigers, cobras, manatees, and white rhinos! All delivered overnight. Petsovernight.com - delivering little bundles of love, in a box, directly to your door.
Pets Overnight advert and commercial break ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: Alright, now joining us in the studio we have a very special guest. His new book "Karate and Digestion" has been on the top one-hundred self-help books for the past three weeks, he is the founder of Now and Zen dojo and organic food market in Trenton, his name is Reed Tucker! Welcome to Chatterbox, Reed.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Why thank you, Lazlow, it certainly is an honor to be here today.
Lazlow: So tell me, Reed, where did you think of the idea of combining martial arts and organic food? I mean, it's kind of like putting ice cream on pizza. Both are great, but they really shouldn't be put together.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Okay, Lazlow, actually it is nothing like ice cream with pizza, ice cream is milk based, as we all know, and I am lactose intolerant, and pizza, as you may know as well, is a sandwich derivative of Italian origin, but I won't go on. Martial arts are about discipline, and physical empowerment, not watching football and eating junk food! You have to explore your mind, and your digestive system, Lazlow. What you put in also comes out.
Lazlow: Heh, especially corn. What's the story with that anyway?
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Lazlow, I'm deadly serious now. My mentor was a four-hundred and thirty year old monk, who showed me the way to enlightenment through carrot juice.
Lazlow: Okay, if you have a question for Reed, we'll be taking calls in a little bit. I think we all went through a ninja period, y'know, I had the Chinese stars and the nunchucks
Reed Tucker: (lisping) This is not a period, Lazlow! This is a way of life. Thanks to strict vegan diet, I have the power of nine men. After morning meditation and a three-bean salad, I can chop a bus in half! Sometimes, I even frighten myself.
Lazlow: No offence, but you're kind of a scrawny, pasty dude, and it says on the inside cover of your book that you still live in your parents' basement.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Okay, it's not a basement. I prefer "a center for spiritual enlightenment". In chapter seventeen of my book, which I know you've read, I address the dangers of cynicism. Lazlow, a closed mind is like a closed fist! And karate means "open hand", but it might as well mean "open mind", if you like wheatgrass, I think you'll really like my book.
Lazlow: Well, I'm not not a masticating cow, so I really don't enjoy chewing damp hay, and prancing around in leggings, shouting "haya!"
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Okay, Lazlow, I'm warning you this time! Do not make me angry. It's bad for my karma, and it will definitely be bad for your karma. I studied the martial arts so I can stand up to bullies just like you. And I encourage everyone listening out there on Chatterbox to buy my book, and learn how organic food, and martial arts can help you, too.
Lazlow: Heh, and I encourage anyone, who needs a doorstop, or booster seat to buy it as well! Let's see who's on the phones.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Lazlow, this is your final warning. Do not make me go into my dragon stance.
Lazlow: (laughs) Hello, caller, you are on the air.
"Karate and Digestion" Female Reader: Hello, Reed. I've bought your book, it really saved my life.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Why thank you.
"Karate and Digestion" Reader: I wanted to ask about chapter twenty-nine, "Yoga, Not Yogurt". I just can't give up cheese. It's so wonderful. I've rejected chocolate milk, and capped butter out of my life. I scooted around the house with my legs put behind my head for two days now, but my husband said I looked like the chick in "The Exorcist". I even put the dairy on the top shelf of the fridge, so I couldn't reach it with my legs behind my head and all, but I grow weak, and I start knocking things down with the broom. What can I do, Reed?
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Do not fret, my child. We are all weak.
Lazlow: (laughs) You certainly are.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Shut up, you carnivore! Why don't you go "non" a bone like a gorilla, Lazlow? Our ancestors didn't eat chicken wings. They lived at one with nature, and their ecosystem. Subsisting on a diet of nuts, berries and leafy vegetables.
Lazlow: Yes, and they threw rocks at their own shadow, and died of old age, and fear at twenty-four.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Lazlow, the soul is eternal. But let me answer the question. When I'm in trouble, or tempted by those all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets with huge pans of juicy bacon.
Lazlow: Can we get some bacon in here?
Reed Tucker: (sighs) (lisping) Lazlow, I go back to basics. I start the day with a fruity beverage, some meditation, and six hours of yoga. Next I go open up my shop, Now and Zen, and drink to pints of hand-pressed potato juice.
Lazlow: And who wants a steak after that? Okay, next caller. You are on Chatterbox with Reed Tucker.
Kung-Fu Movies Fan: Yo, Reed. Kung-fu movies are dope. How can I learn to beat up ten guys at once?
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Okay, first things first, my man, you need to stop the negative thinking. And the best attack I've found is to just run away. That way you instill fear in your opponent. They never know when you might descend from the rafters... Like a bat!
Kung-Fu Movies Fan: I don't wanna hear about no tofu running away! I wanna learn how to be a ninja, kick people's asses.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Actually, I do cover this early on in the book in chapter forty-five. It's called "Stir Fry Your Prejudice". You see, I once thought like you, before my master took me under his wing, and taught me the joys of soy and origami. Concentration begins in the mind, and spreads to all the extremities of the body. You must use the language of the body, not the tongue, and the language of the body begins with raw, uncooked organic vegetables. Just look at me, I could tear a phonebook in half with my bare toes. In fact, Lazlow, I can easily chop this desk in two half-desks!
Lazlow: This desk is made of two-inch thick composite wood pulp, and has a mahogany veneer finish. It has three drawers, and, knowing this station, it cost a hundred dollars. In his own words, Reed Tucker is about smash it into two half desks. Take it away, Reed!
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Ladies and gentlemen, I visualized the desk in two half-desks, and now I shall make it so... Dragon stance... Haya
Reed Tucker hits the table and hurts his hand.
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Ooh, oh, Lazlow, Lazlow, I think I hurt my hand, my pinky's all bent the wrong way!
Lazlow: (imitating a lisp) Listen, karate kid, the desk is still in one piece! Thanks for coming on the show!
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Okay, Lazlow, mockery will get you nowhere, I think I'm gonna hit you.
Lazlow: (imitating a lisp) Oh, I bruise easily, don't throw any tofus, or bean curds at me!
Reed Tucker: (lisping) Okay, very funny, Lazlow. It's easy to make fun of me, but it's all the fault of the feng shui in here. It's downright disgraceful!
Lazlow: (imitating a lisp) Yes, it makes me talk like this. Okay, the listener lines are open. This is Chatterbox. You're on the air!
Conspiracy Theorist Caller: Hey, Lazlow. That last guy was a lunatic! Where'd you dig him up from, the state Loony-ville? And that wacko you had going on about killer bees? What a moron! I mean, just read a newspaper. Killers bees, the evils of artificial sweeteners, and soda pop, Roswell, it's all part of the government's propaganda plan! I might as wear a satellite dish, so they can beam their propaganda right into my brain. Come on, do you honestly believe the NSA's echelon system isn't already reading your E-mails, and recording your phone conversations? It's all designed to frighten us so we don't complain about our rights being taken away in the name of fighting whatever boogeyman they come up with today.
Lazlow: Well, uh, I mean, you realize that the government listens to this station, and if they weren't paying particular attention to you before, they're probably gonna be following you now?
Conspiracy Theorist Caller: Oh yeah, and, look, they've already gotten me once, but never again...
Lazlow: Heh, do you have anything else to say?
Conspiracy Theorist Caller: Yeah. Free Kevin!
Lazlow: Alright, we're talking about short guys, killer bees, the Magna Carta, ah, well the red light on the wall is flashing, which means that the owner of the station has an important announcement to make, let's go live to his office.
Donald Love: Hello. My name is Donald Love. You're listening to a Love Media station. Enjoy.
Lazlow: Wow, man, that was deep. Y'know, I really like working here. This station, it feels like my second family. Heh, except that we have a snack machine, and I tell 'ya, working here beats the hell outta digging sewer ditches outside Kuala Lumpur. Alright, let's go to the phones. Hello, caller. You're on Chatterbox.
Proud American Caller: Lazlow, man, I was listening to that English wimp you were talking to earlier, I mean, do these guys realize how wussy they sound? I mean, they have the nerve to call crackers biscuits, and they say "aluminium" instead of "aluminum". I mean, what's up with that? They all think they sound so smart with their little funny accents. I mean, I got something for 'em - speak English, you limey morons!
Lazlow: Well, y'know, I think they were speaking English before we were, uhh, the people over here were speaking Shoshone and Cherokee.
Proud American Caller: Man, Cherokee Schmerokee, man. An-and another thing - what's up with them calling soccer football? Man, you ever watch soccer? Man, that's a boring game, man. I'll tell you what soccer is, soccer is for little girls, man. Football, now that's an American sport. It teaches you good, wholesome American values, man, like, like stealing other people's land by force, and, and wearing tight pants while you do it.
Lazlow: (laughs) What are you talking about?
Proud American Caller: I'm talking about being a man, Lazlow. Something you wouldn't know anything about from the sound of things. I'll tell ya', I bet you play wimpy stuff, like, like touch-football, and, and, and basketball. "Look, I'm running around the court, bouncing the ball, and I'm seven-foot-three!", I'm telling you, man, I only play man sports! Like football. And hopscotch.
Lazlow: Hopscotch!? That's a girl's game!
Proud American Caller: Man, that ain't a girl's game, man! Not rugby hopscotch! Man, get me in a scrum, and I'm dangerous! I'll take anybody down. I'm the hopscotch master. I've got fly skills in hopscotch, you know what I'm saying?
Lazlow: Yeah, I mean, I kinda see your point, but, y'know, you'd be a little cranky, too, if your empire had fallen apart over the last hundred years. And speaking of commerce, it's time for some commerce here, let's go to commercials. We'll be back after this.
Chatterbox segment ends, commercial break starts. Fernando's New Beginnings advert plays.
Fernando Martinez: Has your marriage gone stale? Has the spark gone out of your love life? Looking to add a little adventure to the monotony of monogamy? Hello, I am Fernando Martinez. Founder of "Fernando's New Beginnings" - a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. We understand how two kids and a mortgage can take the passion out of your life. With our three-step program you'll rediscover romance - guaranteed.
Phil: Hi, my name's Phil. I've got three kids, two cars, and a mortgage. My love life was going stale, even before my wife's car accident. Then I called New Beginnings. Thanks to Fernando, I'm still married, but on Wednesday afternoons I meet Barbara at the motel by the turnpike.
Fernando Martinez: See? The passion - she's back. Phil's marriage is saved, and his kids will have a daddy to look up to. Call New Beginning's today - cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve-dos-nueve-dos. It will be a miracle. I guarantee it. Fernando's New Beginnings - we turn an ending into a new beginning.
Fernando's New Beginnings advert ends. Pets Overnight advert plays.
Pets Overnight Advert Child: Mom, there's a package for you!
Pets Overnight Advert Mother: But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet.. Gee willikers! It's a puppy!
Pets Overnight Salesman: Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere just by logging on to petsovernight.com! Petsovernight.com - delivering little bundles of love, in a box, directly to your door.
Pets Overnight advert and commercial break ends. Chatterbox resumes.
Lazlow: And who says that E-commerce aren't a brilliant idea? Alright, speaking of brilliant, you're listening to Chatterbox, with me, Lazlow, let's go over here to the phones, and see what's plaguing Liberty City. Hello, caller, you're on the air.
Inconsiderate People Caller: Wow, I got through. Lazlow, I think your last few callers are a perfect example of manners in this city. People are rude, and they don't seem to care about anything but themselves. Perfect example: the other day I stopped at the store to pick up an exercise barb, because I haven't had breakfast, or lunch, so I go up to pay, and the lady's like "A dollar twenty-five, please", so I get out my checkbook, and this guy behind me is like "Oh, come on, lady, you don't have two dollars?", and I said, "As a matter of fact, I don't! I spent my two dollars last night buying gas at these ridiculous gas prices, and besides, who are you anyway? Can't you see that I'm wearing my "I-walked-for-the-cure" t-shirt?". People are so inconsiderate.
Lazlow: Well, you'll get no argument from me. I mean, I get every inconsiderate moron in Liberty City calling in to this show, I mean, people think that I have no feelings whatsoever.
Inconsiderate People Caller: Exactly! Another perfect example: the other day I'm over at the hospital to have lunch with my girlfriend, Charice, and this maniac comes right up on my bumper, flashing his lights, and I'm like "Hey, guy, the light is red, you can't just come up behind me honking, and flashing your lights!", then he gets over this megaphone, and says "To the woman in the teal Maibatsu Monstrosity, please move to the side!". Can you believe it? I mean, who has a megaphone rigged into their car? People are so obnoxious these days. And rude. I mean, I told my nanny to teach my kids some manners.
Lazlow: Y'know, I think that's a lesson to us all. Alright, hello, next caller, you're on Chatterbox.
Freddy: Hello, Lazlow!
Lazlow: Oh..
Freddy: Did that woman say she was a nanny? Because Freddy needs a nanny, because he's been a very naughty boy!
Lazlow: No! No nannies! Let's go to our next caller, alright.
Colonel James T.: Colonel James T., United States Marine Corps Second Battalion. Lazlow, that caller made a really valid point, these kids today have no respect for authority! And there's one thing that would whip them into shape.
Lazlow: Heh, let me guess. The military!
Colonel James T.: That's right. The military teaches you respect, obedience, and it gives you a good pension. These kids, that thought they were gonna be millionaires, look where the super information highway has gotten them. Nowhere! It's a dead-end! Uncle Sam takes care of his boys. And some girls. If more people would join the military, this would be a better country! I'll tell you another thing about respect. These kids don't respect veterans! We fought for your freedom. When I came back from the Australian-American War, I didn't get a hero's welcome. I didn't get a pat on the back from my friends, and neighbors, saying "Thanks for fighting for our freedom, James". After years of fighting in the trenches, I come back here and everyone's watching TV!
Lazlow: Now, can you tell me what this Australian-American War was? I mean, I really never heard of it.
Colonel James T.: God, not another one! Have you read a history book lately, SON? The Australian-American War was the biggest war since the big one! I tell you, I didn't do two tours and take boomerang shrapnel in my head, so I can come back here, and have a bunch of hippies deny history. Those aussies are ruthless. They even wired kangaroos with explosives, come hopping into camp, knock out ten guys.
Lazlow: Well, thanks for the history lesson. Alright, let's go over here, hello, caller, you're on Chatterbox.
Toni Cipriani: Yeah? Is that Lazlow?
Lazlow: Yes, it is! Who's this?
Toni Cipriani: My name ain't important. It's real unimportant, okay?
Lazlow: Uhh, no, not really, I mean, this is a radio show. People usually tell us their names.
Toni Cipriani: My name is real unimportant. And you if you want to keep being a wiseguy, you'll find out just how unimportant. Like, unimportant I-just-got-shot-in-the-head unimportant? Do I make myself clear?
Lazlow: Uhhh, y-yes, so why are you calling in today?
Toni Cipriani: Because I need some advice. And I ain't doing any of that shrink shit!
Lazlow: If you swear again, we're gonna have to cut you off, this is a family show.
Toni Cipriani: Sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm just a little unhappy, a bit agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man. Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a man's job and all, but she treats me like a little boy! All I get is "your pa this!" and "your pa that!", and "you ain't a real man, Toni", and it's driving me freakin' nuts!
Lazlow: Well, Toni...
Toni Cipriani: Toni? How'd you know my name was Toni? You tracing this call? 'Cause if you are, you're gonna get real intimately acquainted with what your brains look like! My name ain't Toni. Okay!?
Lazlow: Uhm.. Okay..
Toni Cipriani: But my mom, she keeps going, "Toni, Toni! Be a real man, stand up for yourself, don't take no shit!", but all I do is to be a good son. And I want her to show that she cares for me. Show that she loves me. And, you know, say I was a good kid! But it seems like nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do I do?
Lazlow: Well, Ton- I mean, sir, y'know, in life we have a lot of obligations, and we just kinda have to face up to 'em. And right now, I'm obligated to play some commercial announcements. We'll be back right after this...
Chatterbox ends, commercial break starts. A Pogo the Monkey advert plays.
Pogo the Monkey Announcer: We've got a new friend for everyone! He's got fur and a tail. He gets in lots of trouble, but he's a bouncy little fellow. 'Cause he's got springs for legs! Pogo the Monkey - the best new video game for the whole family!
Pogo the Monkey Girl: I love you, Pogo! You bounce!
Pogo the Monkey Announcer: Help Pogo escape from the evil research laboratory, where the mean old scientist genetically altered him! Uh oh! The pharmaceutical scientist is going to get you, Pogo!
Pogo the Monkey Boy: Here you go, Pogo, have a gold coin.
Pogo the Monkey Announcer: Good thing Pogo has a banana cannon, those nasty scientists deserve to die! Now get the shampoo manufacturers before they squirt it in your eye!
Pogo the Monkey Boy: Here you go, Pogo, have a diamond!
Pogo the Monkey Announcer: You'll dive Pogo through tons of fun adventures, including saving Timmy, who fell down the well.
Timmy: Help!!
Pogo the Monkey Boy: Here you go, Pogo, have a big watch!
Pogo the Monkey Announcer: Rescue a cat from that tree with your banana cannon, Pogo!
Pogo the Monkey Boy: Here you go, Pogo, have a fast car!
Pogo the Monkey Announcer: And help Pogo to his final mission: to storm the White House with his friends, and become President of the United States! Pogo the Monkey is the game kids are sure to stare at for hours. Everyone loves Pogo. Idiot Gamer called Pogo "The Best Springing Simian Game since Bouncing Bananas! Buy the game Pogo the Monkey today. Right, Pogo? And, coming soon, Pogo the Monkey card game, Pogo the Monkey plastic dolls, Pogo the Monkey cloak covers, and Pogo the Monkey car covers. For the guy that has everything, why not a Pogo the Monkey tie-in sports jacket? For the lady in your life, why not Pogo the Monkey chocolates and hygiene products, so she smells like a real monkey? And, for kids, a life-sized, living, breathing, springing monkey. All available at pogothemonkey.com.
Pogo the Monkey advert and commercial break ends. Chatterbox loops.

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