Chatterbox FM/Transcript (GTA Liberty City Stories)

Transcript

Male announcer: Support for LCFR is brought to you by Musty Pines in Vice City. Old people cluttering up your home? Send them to Musty Pines. Female announcer: Next up, it's the radio host who's been run out of Vice City and San Andreas, it's Lazlow with Chatterbox. Lazlow: What? Oh, hey, welcome to Chatterbox with me, Lazlow, and you, the good citizens of this town. Now, you know the format of the show: you call me up, you complain, we agree the world's terrible and retarded, there's nothing we can do about it, and we listen to some commercials. That's right, yeah, it's the American media, if you don't like it, you're in for a pretty bumpy ride. Now, this is the show that gives Liberty City a voice, you know, pre-screened over the phone. Let's uh, let's go to Kira on line 2. Kira: Yeah, Lazlow, you are so right about domestic violence and the Internet. Lazlow: You're telling me, that thing makes me wanna put my fist through something. Kira: Tonight, we're gonna have a public forum about turning off the Internet. I'm with a group called Citizens United Negating Technology for Life and People's Safety. Lazlow: (chuckles) What? Kira: You heard me, radio boy! First, the Internet, then we're turning off the phones! Lazlow: Okay, sounds good to me. Hey, let's go, uh, to the phones here, Matt, Matt on line 7. What's up, Matt? Mack: The name is Mack. Lazlow: Yeah, okay, I got that, stupid. Mack: I want to talk to you about urban planning and religion. Lazlow: That sound's my favorite combination, what's up? Mack: People wonder why Liberty City is a town full of heathens and why no one ain't going to church here. Lazlow: Do they? Do they really? Mack: Yes. Lazlow: Who? Mack: Me. Lazlow: Okay, so when you say "people", you mean everyone thinks like you. Mack: Shut up, girlie! Listen, this is important, I'll tell you why no one is going to church here no more, because the cathedral is damn intimidating! The whole thing is scary! Lazlow: Uh c-come on, the cathedral's beautiful! Mack: Oh, son, it's all pointy and official-looking! Ain't no one wants that! This is cyberbia, and what doesn't connect to the great computer will die. What folks want is a nice, big, post-modern square building with internet terminals and fusball tables to worship in. Lazlow: Uh, okay, so let me get this straight: you're one of those people that want to mow down the beautiful cathedral garden an-and replace it with a concrete square? Mack: Dude, wake up! Are you blind to the future? It's right, it's what God wants. Lazlow: Alright, and how do you know this? What, did He send you an email? Mack: He told me! Yes, He did. He told me: "Block that awful, phallic monstrosity with a beautiful concrete square, and if you happen to make a healthy profit for your trouble, then it's Me moving in a mysterious way." So, that's it. I'm campaigning to build a beautiful new cathedral in the old gardens! Lazlow: Whatever, dude. Maybe you should be listening to the Electron Zone. I love a man trying to profit from religion, makes you proud to be an American. Let's hit the phones! (electric razor sounds are heard) Yo. Lenny: Uh, oh, h-hello? Lazlow: Y-yes, hello, you are on Chatterbox. What's that noise? Lenny: My name's Lenny, I wanna talk about shaving. Lazlow: Okay, what's the trouble? You got a weird rash? Lenny: Uh-uh, there's no trouble, I just-I just can't stop. Lazlow: Uh, what? Lenny: I love it! And I realized something really important. Lazlow: Oh, God... Lenny: If you shave downstairs, it looks a lot bigger. You know, if you remove the brush, the tree looks massive! Lazlow: What are you talking about? Lenny: Yeah, man! Now I don't have to get surgery down there! I just thought I'd share that with a few people. Come on, Lazlow, don't tell me you haven't thought about it. Lazlow: Where do you get ideas like this? Lenny: Like, my mom said... Lazlow: Alright, this show's going great! Uh, this is Chatterbox, what's ever on your mind, however big or small, just give me a call, line 3... Lenny: If you shave downstairs, it looks a lot bigger. Lazlow: (laughing) Go away! Please, stop calling the show! This is Chatterbox, hello, please be a normal human being... Cannibal: Lazlow, your show sucks. Lazlow: Dude, you're gonna get no argument from me, today's show is rubbish! What do you want to talk about? Cannibal: How come I can't eat people? Lazlow: Okay, who says you can't? What are you, a socialist, or something? Cannibal: Talk more about eating people! Lazlow: Next caller. Ursula: (laughs) Hi, my name's Ursula, I'm a white witch. I have the power of the night. Lazlow: Oh boy...hey you aren't-oh, jeez...okay. Ursula: I am your biggest fan! Lazlow: You aren't gonna complain my clear avoidance, or something? Have you been snorting some mugwort? Ursula: Of course. (laughs) Lazlow: What is with that laugh? Ursula: So listen, we're having a meeting of our cousin, and we're all really big fans of yours. Lazlow: Wow, that's cool. H-h-hey, here's a little advice: guys really aren't into chicks who say they're witches and they could cast spells and practice magic and they have an alter...I think you're just a confused goth chick. Ursula: Hey, I'm not confused, it's my cousin! We're really big fans. I've got several photos of you. (laughs) My spirit medium says we were married in a past life, and you know what, I was the man in the relationship. Lazlow: Oh, easy...you're freaking me out, dude. Hanging upside down to sleep doesn't make you cool or alternative, alright? I know, because I tried it. Ursula: Hey, are you single? Lazlow: Yes, uh, I-I mean no, I mean, I'm married to t-t-three women, uh, please st... Ursula: Okay, but just to counteract what that guy just said, I never shave. The dark force is quite enchanting. Lazlow: Uh, g-go away, get off my phone, get off my show! What is wrong with this city? It's 1998, people, the millenium is almost upon us! You know, this is much bigger than the conspiracy of Daylight Savings time, we're supposed to be worrying about computers accidentally launching nuclear missiles on us and how to make a fortune investing in cyber kitty litter. Alright, let's take it up a notch. I beg you, please! Look at my career, it's going down the crapper here! I mean, I'm a nice person, I deserve to do well! Well, you know, people like me, I only betrayed friends once or twice, and they had it coming! Line 4's Chelsea, she wants to respond to one of our previous callers. Chelsea: That guy was talking about eating people. If you knew what was in our food, you would never eat again! Lazlow: Like what? Chelsea: Like honey. Do you know what honey is? It's bee shit! Why would you spread feces on toes? Lazlow: I like honey. Chelsea: Oh, that figures. What a surprise, you're into that. Oh, let's just spread feces all over ourselves. That's disgusting! The killer bees, they're coming, trust me! Lazlow: And I trust we'll have a better caller over here. Slav: Hi, this is Slav. I'm the first-time caller. Lazlow: Whoa, don't tell me, you're a vampire, ooh, I'm scared. What is wrong with you freaks, okay?! Your music is horrible! Turn on a light, get some sun! Slav: No, actually, I'm an underwear model. Why did you insult me?! Is this typical in your country?! Your show is bulldog! Lazlow: Oh, uh, dude, really, I'm sorry, I'm having a really bad show. Slav: Okey dokey, as you say, no biggie, unlike me - massive! Huge, shaved around shave, like a baby arm. This is why I model in the underwear. Lazlow: Enough, enough with the personal size or grooming or the shaving or the growing and the thing! Let's talk about politics or public safety or...or Dormatron bondages, or something interesting! What's wrong with this town? You're sick! You know, this kind of rubbish never happened to me in the 80s, the 90s are crap! Do you agree, line 1? Kid: How should I know? I'm 7. Lazlow: You are? Kid: Yeah, I'm a big fan of yours, I love the show! Yeah, when I grow up, I wanna be a witty radio host with a made-up name. Lazlow: A-a-aren't you a little young to be listening to this show? Kid: No, my mom lets me listen all day 'cause she works really hard and needs long baths. Lazlow: Why is that? Kid: I don't know. After our tennis lessons, she's always screaming from her room about what a dirty girl she is. Lazlow: (chuckles) Okay. Kid: Lazlow, do you know what "Fuck me harder" means? Lazlow: W-whoa! Uh, dude, don't drop the F-bomb! Yeah, I mean, of course I know what that means. Kid: I thought so. I knew I learned it from somewhere. My mom heard me say it and I wasn't sure if it was something that I heard her tennis coach say or something that you said on the radio. I'd say it was probably you. Lazlow: Hey, it wasn't me. This is a show sanitized for your entertainment. Kid: Then, now, you're being sued, 150 million! You're gonna be a welfare, ha-ha! Lazlow: Gee, thanks. Kid: I love you, Lazlow! Lazlow: Uh, let's take a break. God, I love this town. The program takes a break for a commercial. Space Monkey 7 advert plays. Female astronaut: This is Data Station to a Project Station SST. You are out of a projector. Please respond. Monkey noises are heard. Female astronaut: Please respond. Monkey screeches are heard. Female astronaut: Oh no, they're coming back! Male announcer: In space, nobody can hear you cry. He's back. It's Space Monkey 7, the video game that swept through Japan and Europe. Now, America gets to destroy mankind all over again! Dr. Chank: Agh, Space Monkey! Male announcer: After a nuclear holocaust, the monkeys leave Earth, but they return to destroy the dark simian research facility controlled by Dr. Chank. Dr. Chank: Agh, Space Monkey! I stick those bananas up your ass, Space Monkey! Male announcer: Fight the fossils, and not the ones in our game design department. Discover your origin, give in to the beast within. Darwin's dangerous idea just got worse. It's fun family-friendly apocalypse that will keep you and the monkeys entertained for hours. Dr. Chank screams. Male announcer: Space Monkey 7. Dr. Chank: (echoing) Space Monkey! Space Monkey 7 commercial ends. LCFR station ident plays. Male announcer: LCFR - it's freedom. (freedom) And like freedom, people are begging to take it away! The Chatterbox program resumes. Lazlow: Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, let's go to the phones. Vinewood Hater: Yeah, I agree with what you said about Vinewood, that town has got to stop churning out heartwarming movies with kids and shit. I tell you, if I see one more damn movie with 10 kids and a dog and a wheelchair and some damn baseball championship, I'm gonna start killing people myself and blame it on Vinewood! Lazlow: Hey, that sounds reasonable to me. Vinewood Hater: Yeah, man, it's like albinos, they're taking over! Lazlow: Okay...let's have a huff of lithium and take a deep breath, alright? Next caller. Cannibal: Hey, Lazlow, you ever eaten anybody? Lazlow: Oh, God, not you again! Go ruin somebody else's show! Cannibal: You fucking suck! Lazlow: Line 4, you're on Chatterbox. Ma Cipriani: Hello? I listen to your show every day, it means a lot to an old woman. Lazlow: Yeah, you know, the nursing homes love me. I used to love broadcasting live from that Musty Pines back in the old VC. Ma Cipriani: Uh, I need some help with my family. Lazlow: That's cool, we can talk about anything on the old C-box. What's your name? Ma Cipriani: Enough with names, sonny boy. Lazlow: Gee, okay. Ma Cipriani: Okay? So, this is how you do it? You get on a gap, you make 'em feel funny about their names? Lazlow: Nah, listen, it's cool, grandma, don't get your wrinkles in a wad. Ma Cipriani: Grandma?! Lazlow: What's your dire? Ma Cipriani: You call me grandma?! How about you call me the woman who just put a hit on your fake name, midwestern hag? How about that, call me grandma? I call you dead, Lazarus, dead! Lazlow: I-I'm sorry, it's not Lazarus, it-it's Lazlow. Hello, turn your hearing aid up. Ma Cipriani: You bet you're sorry. I come on here to talk about my family problems, about how my son does not love his mother. Real problem to have a boy who is confused and lonely and will not take a bath no more with his momma! And I get some horseshit from some microphone fairy! How about you shut your big mouth, Lazarus, before someone blows a hole in your head, buddy?! Lazlow: You know, I ask you, why do I even bother? Alright, the lines are open, let's go to line 8. Mermaid: Hi, Lazlow, I'm a mermaid. I'm a big fan of the show... Lazlow: Let me take a wild guess here: you're having "guy problems"? Mermaid: Why aren't they interested in me? I'm a great swimmer. Lazlow: Uh, well, you know, the smell's a... Mermaid: I don't smell like fish. Lazlow: (chuckles) Right, that's what they all say. You know, you can never tell you stink until it's too late, I learned that a long time ago. Well, looks like that's all we have time for, which is a, you know, damn shame. French chefs and self-righteous rednecks don't deliver the kind of radio I can deliver. But, uh, you know, me and my buddy Donald have got some big plans for this station: C-box 24/7. We'll see you next time. The Chatterbox program ends. Female announcer: That was Chatterbox with Lazlow, proving the American educational system really is failing. LCFR station ident plays. Male announcer: LCFR - free radio. Not underhanded, underwritten.