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Bless Your Heart is a talk show on Blaine County Talk Radio in Grand Theft Auto V and Grand Theft Auto Online. It is hosted by Bobby June, a Southern woman passionate about extreme couponing, politics, preparing rather unhealthy foods, homemaking, and other stereotypical implements of Southern culture. It is recorded in front of a live audience.

Guest Appearances[]

  • Jock Cranley, a gubernatorial candidate in San Andreas and a former actor, is interviewed on the show. He talks about his beliefs and mistakes. He is quoted on the show saying "No one has made more mistakes than me, Bobby June. That's why I'm uniquely qualified to run this state." He also insults the show's producer, Ricky, by referring to her as "coffee" and "a Lebanon". Bobby June replies that she is just a little tan.
  • Samantha Muldoon is also interviewed on the show with her new Southern accent. She talks about her career meltdown, her new country music career, how she became conservative, and sings her new song "I Like Things Just the Way They Are". She also talks about how she adopted thirteen children from Africa. In response, Bobby June makes racist comments. 

Recipes[]

  • Bobby June's Deep Fried Margarine Sticks - Entire sticks of margarine, covered in spices and breading and fried in lard, preferably paired with ranch or blue cheese. Bobby June recommends these as a snack to crush cravings while cooking dinner. Frozen varieties are also available at grocery stores.
  • Deep Fried Sprunk - A frozen Sprunk-flavored batter that is then deep fried and served, presumably with toppings.
  • Pickle-Brazed Gopher Ribs - Tiny ribs taken from a gopher and flavored with pickle, served with a blue cheese/ranch dipping combo. Bobby June says this recipe is "so good" that one woman "accused [her] of sorcery."
  • Whore's Ovaries - An appetizer pastry dish made from fat, salt, butter, brown sugar, margarine, baked beans, pork rinds, marshmallows, barbecue sauce, white sugar, moonshine, and bacon. Called so because "you really enjoy it until you figure out everyone's had their fingers in it." The name is a play on "Hors d'oeuvre."
  • Cripple's Crockpot - A casserole dish named after Bobby June's deceased son who died of polio because she refused to get him vaccinated. Frozen varieties are also available at grocery stores.
  • Sweet and Sticky Stock Car Shrapnel Surprise - A "no effort" dessert dish made from sugar, frosting, egg yolks, ice cream, peanut butter, graham crackers, red hots, strawberry topping, sprinkles, peach schnapps, bacon, full-fat milk, heavy cream, cookie dough, and flour. The only preparation is a few seconds of whisking.
  • Bobby June's Deep Bayou Breaded Fried Alligator Tenderloin - A dish prepared from the tenderloin of a freshly killed alligator with two gallons of pig fat, a few sticks of butter, some duck fat, and a bit of beef dripping. Served with jalapeno lemon butter sauce and ranch dressing. Frozen varieties are also available at grocery stores.

Video[]

Bless_Your_Heart_AUDIO

Bless Your Heart AUDIO

Complete audio of Bless Your Heart on Blaine County Radio.

Transcript[]

Transcript
Bless Your Heart intro
Announcer: Next on Blaine County Radio: The queen of casseroles, extreme couponing, and dishing out the political dirt, it's Bless Your Heart, with Bobby June.
Theme song plays
Bobby June: Hello, hello...oh my, you little angels, look at you, just so wonderful, thank you...and bless your heart!
Audience: Bless your heart!
Man in the audience: I love you, Bobby June!
Bobby June: (squeals) IIII love you too, I do, I do I do. Oh my, you know today we have a doozy of a show. A real doozy. Cookin', politics, home makin', money savin' tips, sexual orientation correction, quilting...honey, we have it ALL. We really, really do. Bless your heart, bless my heart, and bless us all!
(Applause)
Bobby June: Now, firstly we have a very special guest. A first on Bless Your Heart. You know him from some of your favorite stands and some classic movies, including Nighthawk 5...
(Audience cheers)
Bobby June: ...The Mainframe, and 18-Wheeler Death Race. Honey, he has fought terrorism, he's jumped off buildings, and now, he's doing something real crazy...he's runnin' for governor, y'all! Jock Cranley! Now that's coming up right in a bit...and then, straight from my mama's kitchen, a recipe for lucky dip ketchup and meatloaf with a ranch dressing dip, featuring that thing that liberals have tried to colonize, but us moms know more about than they ever will. That's recyclin' honey, as we get real creative with roadkill!
(Applause)
Bobby June: Plus, we'll get into our extreme couponing section and show you how you can leave the store with eight baskets of stuff you want AND need, and that you'll only pay five dollars for. It's gonna be amazing.
(Female audience members cheer)
Bobby June: It's like organized hoardin'. You're welcome.
(Audience applauds while a jingle plays)
Bobby June: All right, come on into the kitchen, y'all, let's chat a bit, come on! Now, Ricky, honey, tell the studio audience what they will be receivin' for being part of today's show.
Ricky: Every member of our audience today will be receiving the Bobby June Greased Lightning 3-Minute Rendering Machine & Deep Fryer! Render an entire animal in a flash, and turn that fatty tissue into purified cookin' fats, like lard or tallow!
Bobby June: That's right, that's where I got this suet, and that, y'all, is the fat from around the internal organs of a cow. Now, it's very nutritional; it really is a treat, and ancient peoples prized it for its enhancing fertility...and my husband, Lord rest his soul...he swore by it. Of course, we had five babies cuz of it.
(Applause)
Bobby June: Uh-huh...I'm gettin' a hot flash just thinkin' about the passion that man exhibited after dinin' at either home or a fantastic all-you-can-eat buffet. I know y'all are gonna enjoy that machine, you will now, to you folks at home, it's available in all mega stores, and of course, at my official home shoppin' show. You can make your family some tasty treats and spice up your whole sex life at the same time. I said that, y'all! (gasps) I'm gettin' spicy at Bobby June! I AM!
(A few people in the audience laugh)
Bobby June: Bless your hearts...now here's somethin' I made...
(Clatter, followed by food being fried)
Bobby June (over SFX): You want one, Ricky?
Ricky: How could I resist? Bobby June's legendary deep-fried margarine sticks, available in the frozen food section of your local warehouse club!
Bobby June: Mm-HMM! Dip 'em in ranch, or if you prefer somethin' lighter, blue cheese, a GREAT 4 o'clock snack when you're feelin' the blahs or the blues or the blahblahbs! (Laughs) Either way, it's gonna get you goin', angel! Don't curb your cravin's so you can get ready to make that dinner in. A. Jiffy!
(Applause)
Bobby June: You're welcome, bless your hearts. Now! Here in the Bobby June Test Kitchen, we fry all kinds'a thangs. Candy bars, butter sticks, cigarettes, onions, hairspray, PETS, honey I'd eat from my big toe, it tastes so good, I would. Ha! Now we have had some mishaps, but it's all in the name of science. Ain't that right, girls?
(Female audience members squeal and cheer)
Bobby June: Thank you, the first person who deep-fried a can of soda! I mean, they should win an award, honey, a true pioneer. Deep fried Sprunk is so tasty on a hot day, and in this day and age, inventin' such a fine culinary delight, you get strung up by the nutri-Nazis out there. Listen, I will NOT be lectured by you so-called experts. Huh! What do they know, anyway?
(Applause)
Bobby June: Speakin'a experts, or ex-idiots, as I call 'em, did y'all hear this? In Liberty City, they apparently want to tell you how big your soda can be.
(Audience boos)
Bobby June: I know. I mean, how am I gonna wash down an Up-n-Atom meal with a 12-ounce portion of soda? Honestly. That's impossible. But I WILL enjoy a 128-ounce Bobby June soda in a commemorative jug with each and every meal of the day.
(Applause)
Ricky: Pick up your Bobby June 128-ounce commemorative soda jug at Up-n-Atom, while supplies last.
Bobby June: I mean, let's be honest for a moment. Soda ain't the problem. Food ain't the problem. Genetically modified corn ain't the problem. Smokin'...ain't the problem.
(A few female audience members squeal)
Bobby June: You tell me, I can't smoke at a funeral? That's stressful. Stress is the killer, y'all, don't make no mistake about it.
(Applause)
Bobby June: Bless your hearts, oh, y'all's hearts! I am just sooo relaxed, look at me.
Ricky: You DO look fantastic, Bobby June! You've been on vacation? Maybe a cruise...?
Bobby June: Oh, hush up girl, you know it's my new line'a Bobby June Vice City-inspired tannin' sprays!
Ricky: Oh, YES! It looks fantastic and naturally orange. Bobby June Vice City-inspired Tannin' Sprays are available wherever tannin' sprays are sold. While supplies last.
Bobby June: Okay, no more of this, let's get on with the show, and (squealing) on with the cookin'!
(Jingle plays and Applause)
Bobby June: Okay, today we're gonna make ribs!
(A few female audience members squeal)
Bobby June: Pickled braised gopher ribs with ranch dressin' and a blue cheese dip combo, slow-cooked, y'all, 'til the meat is just fallin'. Off. The booone. Now I love me gopher ribs cuz they're tiny and you're gonna gain so much weight when ya eat 'em. It is so GOOD. One woman accused me of sorcery. Can you believe that?! What an accusation! I mean, (scoffs), REALLY?! Me? Now did y'all know that in some parts'a the country, you CAN, in self-defense, shoot anyone you believe is usin' sorcery on you? Yeah. You gotta stand your ground, honey. Ain't no witch or warlock gonna tell me what to do, HAHA! Now, speakin' of standin' your ground, here's a man that doesn't back down from a fight. He's moved from show business to the government like many great men before him, and he's risin' up the ranks of politics in San Andreas by givin' us policies we can all understand. Now if we have anything to do with it, he's gon' be our next governor! Please welcome the one...the only...Jock Cranley!
(Jingle plays; audience cheers and claps)
Jock Cranley: Hello! Hello, bless your heart, Bobby June. You know something...heh, heh...
(Audience continues cheering, overwhelming Jock)
Jock Cranley: Hey, folks...thanks!
Bobby June: Jock, get yourself in here in my kitchen! Bless your heart, Jock!
Jock Cranley: Wow. Thanks. I-I-I love you, too. Lemme just tell you something real important, all of yous. Bobbie June, I'm a big fan of your immunization fight. A big fan, because I think we're all sick of government telling us how to live, where we can drive, what we can put into our bodies.
Bobby June: Ain't that the God's honest truth? Bless your heart! Finally, someone tellin' it like it is! It ain't government's place to tell us stuff, aside from the things that matter, like what marriage is, as if we didn't already know, and which human rights-violatin' foreign dictators to turn a blind eye to in exchange for cheap bull!
(Applause)
Jock Cranley: Listen, listen here. If there's one thing that matters to sensible Americans more than anything, it's gas prices. Even folks that can't afford a car and enjoy huffing the stuff tell me how important it is. I've been on a listening tour of the state.
Bobby June: I saw your bus. It looks real fun out there. Who were all them girls suntannin' on the top? Those your nieces?
Jock Cranley: Uh, yes, I'm about family, Bobby June. I've had three of them. Listen, I ain't a big believer in mumbo-jumbo or economics or any of that crap, pardon my French, but gas prices are the very basis of our economy here in San Andreas, which is why, under my govern, under my governing, gubernatorial...ness...like, under me, we will ensure gas remains entirely untaxed.
(Applause)
Jock Cranley: After all, I was always taught, "what is good for the goose is good for the gander."
Bobby June: Oh, that is so true. I mean, when I think of liberals, Jock, I remember what my mamaw said. Hey, even a stop clock is right twice a day.
Jock Cranley: You said it, Bobby June. We're turning the clock. Under me, I'm about jobs and I'm about families. I've had three families and I've learned from my mistakes. I think people know that about me. I've made some bad decisions, and now, I'm ready to do good.
Bobby June: That's just so powerful. One of the things about me is I'm not a judgmental person. I don't judge people. Well, not white people, but you've gotta learn from your mistake.
Jock Cranley: Look, nobody's made more mistakes than me, Bobby, which is why I'm uniquely qualified to run the world's sixth-largest economy. Hey, I know how to jump out of a burning building, and I give back to the community. As soon as I heard about so many people losing their homes in that storm in Liberty City, I flew out there for a special screening of my latest movie.
(Applause)
Jock Cranley: It was to bring smiles and hope during the bleakest of times. Thanks to all that showed up, by the way, ahem, and with our cut of food and beverage concessions, it was a great positive event!
Bobby June: Bless your heart!
(Applause)
Bobby June: So are you gon' help me cook this here supper or what, Jock?
Jock Cranley: It would be my pleasure.
Bobby June: So let's get in here, lemme grab some pots and pans and the fats and the salt and some butter. We're gonna need a little brown sugar, some margarine, baked beans, pork rinds, marshmallows, barbecue sauce, of course, uh, white sugar, White Lightnin', and the bacon. Hey, bacon's God's way of sayin' he loves us, ain't that right?
(Female audience members cheer)
Bobby June: Listen, Jock, before we get started...now you mentioned it earlier, I'm really fired up about vaccines and immunization in this country and I mean, these shots will give you a DISEASE! And wait for your body to just fight it out, it's horrible. Listen, we never got my stepson Randy shots and he was just happy as a peach, livin' his life to the fullest right up to the end when he died naturally of polio at the age of seven!
(Awwww...)
Bobby June: I swear, he didn't regret it for a minute. He told me so on his deathbed: "Mama, name a casserole after me," and I said "why hell, of course, Randy, you sweet little angel. Bless your heart!"...and I did. I called it Cripple's Crockpot!
(Awwww...)
Ricky: Available in the frozen food section of your local supermarket while supplies last!
(Applause)
Jock Cranley: That sounds delicious.
Bobby June: Oh, honey, it is, it's one of my favorite recipes. Now then we took little Randy's body outside and, you know all his little stuffed animals and everything that was about him, and made a bonfire and roasted a pig and had a potluck supper with all our neighbors. Now, that's how you work through grief, by surroundin' yourself with friends and family and plowin' throough it with peach schnapps and cocktail wieners, tater tot pie 'n' soda puddin'. Oh, comfort foods are for when ya need comforting. That's why they call 'em comfort foods. If I'm mourning a polio-ridden stepchild I ain't goin' cryin' to a salad, am I? No! I'm gonna rejoice the early passin' of my dearest by makin' a big ol' batch of beef enchiladas that will shut down the blood to your brain and let you live in the moment, like you just had a stroke!
(Applause and cheers)
Jock Cranley: You're so right, Bobby, and I have to say, these here whores d'oeuvres or...upers dervers, or...advertisers are delightful! Mm-mmm!
Bobby June: Thank you, honey, I like to call 'em Whores Ovaries. Tastes great at first but then you realize everyone else has stuck their fingers in the puddin'. Also, I can't say anything in French. The only good thing that ever came out of France was the pizza!
Jock Cranley: Ain't that the truth! Take back the Statue of Happiness, it's ugly! Got a face like a sour fish!
Bobby June: She just in a bad mood, isn't she? Speakin'a French people, Jock, I wanna talk to you about what you'll do about promiscuity in this country. You know, on this show, we preach abstinence. If you don't want a bun in the oven, honey, stick it in the smoker.
Jock Cranley: Uh...I'm a big fan of sticking it in the smoker. Barbecue, uh, tailgate parties, hell, I'd smoke anything. I teach my kids abstinence as well. My 16-year-old daughter will have her friends over to the pool and I'll swim with them and play keep-away, splashing around, you know, having fun, and I use that time to witness to them. I say "girls, this is a fantastic time in your life. You know, you're all so beautiful and burgeoning into womanhood, and a couple of you have developed fine breasts as I see. And several about to fall out of your swimming costume. But don't do anything stupid that could ruin your life. Boys, they are trouble. Save yourself for your husband. You know, Bobby June, the important thing is that people learn about the decisions they are making in their own lives, and one decision we all gotta make is to stop letting immigrants ruin our economy!
(Applause and cheers)
Jock Cranley: I mean, it just ain't right! You cannot get a job right now because foreigners have them! Well, America did not become the greatest country ever by letting foreigners in, and that's a fact! Listen, listen, Bobby June! Listen all of you! I am not a racist. I said some things, yeah, I did. That was a very long time ago, but there is a difference!
(Female audience members cheer)
Jock Cranley: If we want this country to be great again, we've gotta start fighting wars we can win and stop fighting against crazy folk who ain't gonna give up, which is why I want us to think about invading Europe again. Seriously...
(Audience oohs)
Bobby June: How do you mean?
Jock Cranley: Now I ain't never been one for book-learning but I'm a big fan of history documentaries, and historical television shows us that America is at its finest...when we invade Europe.
(Applause)
Bobby June: You know somethin'? You're right!
Jock Cranley: Exactly, I mean we're spent 50 years invading Asia and the Middle East, and it ain't right. Them folks don't want us! They're too different! They eat food that's a bunch of damn paste! So what I'm gonna propose as governor of this state is that we plan a massive invasion force, and go ahead and invade France!
(Applause)
Jock Cranley: Because if there's one country we can beat in a goddamn arm wrestle, it's them limp-wristed, patronizing cheese-monkeys!
(Audience cheers and claps)
Jock Cranley: And I promise you this, I promise you: if Great Britain wants to stand in our way, I'll tell you what: we'll invade them, too! Make them start speaking English and everything!
Audience: U.S.A.!
Jock Cranley: Now, I've seen a lot of movies and how often, how often is the world threatened by a creepy British guy? It's never an American, not never! So I'm sayin', if we're serious about fighting terror, and I know we are, we go straight to the source and invade Great Britain! Finish off what old George started back in 1770-whatever it was!
Audience: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Jock Cranley: That's how we gonna win this war, Bobby June! That's how we can avenge them American lives, by killing every goddamn one of them bastards, pardon my French, because that's what love is all about!
(Audience cheers)
Bobby June: Honey, they love you, Jock! Bless your heart! Hell, I'll vote for ya! You got my vote!
Jock Cranley: Bobby June, let's talk about this election. It's really up to everybody to get out there and make a difference. You gotta do everything in your power to make sure we win. This is not a socialist country, it's not. This is America! We're nationalists. National socialists, if you will, because our society...is our nation!
(Audience cheers)
Jock Cranley: But trust me, this is the most important moment in American history! If we get this wrong, well, we're shit out of luck, pardon my French.
Ricky: How so?
Jock Cranley: Who's that?
Bobby June: My producer Ricky...speakin' outta turn again. Don't worry. She's just got a tan.
Jock Cranley: Oh, uh, okay. Had me worried for a moment there. I'll tell you what, because this is it. They are trying to steal our country away. Lawton and all his cronies, all of them cronies in the Capitol...I'm against cronyism, which is why I'm supported by only big American companies who care about things that matter, and don't want business bogged down by regulations...
(Applause)
Jock Cranley: ...like pension obligations. Gone! Environmental concerns: great if we can afford them but, uh, we can't! Gone! Affirmative action? Uh--what do you think? H-Hey Coffee, over there, what do you think?
Ricky: It's Ricky.
Jock Cranley: Whatever, whatever. What do you think about affirmative action? Hey, you ain't a Lebanon, is you? I mean...ehhh...ain't nothin' wrong with it. Some of my best friends was Lebanons, but it's unnatural, and a sin! So affirmative action is gone!
(Rhythmic applause)
Jock Cranley: Having to hire foreigners is gone! Making schools accept minorities is gone! Subsidizing education is gone. Heh, education will be gone! That's why you gotta vote! It's real change. Change we want. Change back, because I'm all about families, and families need children at home.
Bobby June: Jock, I have to say, I loved your reality show where you were a police officer arrestin' people. That little boy sure was hollerin' when you hit him with that nightstick! You're real serious about crime! You beat the tar out of him!
Jock Cranley: These people ask for hope, I give them handcuffs. They need a father figure, and what better figure than someone beating and sodomizing them with a nightclub?
Bobby June: Well, watchin' you chase minorities with the police helicopter is a great night'a family TV's, is what it is. You're speakin' lotsa sense, Jock, but all this politics has got me hungry. I reckon we should make some dessert together, what'd you think?
Jock Cranley: Well, I'd just love that.
(Bobby June begins making something)
Bobby June: All righty! Let's see what do we need? Sugar, frostin', a few egg yolks, ice cream, bit more ice cream, peanut butter, graham crackers, Red Hots non-dairy toppin', sprinklllles...peach schnapps, bit'a bacon, my favorite! Cuz He loves us! Woohoo! Full fat milk, heavy cream, cookie dough, and flour. All right, we gonna throw 'em all together, quick whisk...
(She turns on a whisking machine)
Jock Cranley: I love this already! What are we making?
Bobby June: No--this is it, honey. It's done. After a hard day'a couponin we need simple recipes, and this one, is real simple. Ain't that right, girls?
(Applause)
Bobby June: I call it "Sweet and Sticky Stock-Car Shrapnel Surprise!" Cuz it's like a fiery accident of flavor in your mouth!
Jock Cranley: I love stock car racing! Finally, a sport that people like us can excel in and don't have some kid from the projects showing off!
Bobby June: Try a spoonful, honey, it's delicious.
Jock Cranley: Oh, that could scare a gay man straight! It's fantastic!
Bobby June: I know! And it's healthy too! Makes you smile. All right, Ricky honey, come here, have a taste, I know it's your favorite!
Ricky: Oh, I can't, Bobby June, I'm watching my figure.
Bobby June: Excuse me? Excuse me? Listen, I got the so-called "diabetes." Them doctors said my arteries was like cement. I've had three strokes and I am fine, because I don't worry! It's the worry that'll kill you. C'mon! C'mon girl, now. Come.
(Spoon clinking)
Ricky: Mm...mmm!
Bobby June: Uh huh? See? That ain't so bad, is it? Thanks for comin' on the show, Jock, and we'll all vote for you in the election.
(Applause)
Jock Cranley: Bless your heart, Bobby June!
Bobby June: Bless your heart, Jock Cranley! Ah! You dog. Okay! Our next guest is super exciting, because she's a superstar! You've no doubt heard her songs. She's here to talk to us about adoptin' children from foreign countries, and to sing her new song, please welcome pop legend turned western country crooner, Samantha Muldoon! Girl, get in this kitchen right this minute!
(Audience cheers and applauds as a jingle plays)
Samantha Muldoon: Thank you, thank y'all! You are so great, thank you! Oh, you look fantastic, Bobby June! You like my new accent?
Bobby June: Bless your heart, Samantha! I was wonderin' what that was! Well, my goodness, you look incredible in that dress. It's some kind of designer dress?
Samantha Muldoon: Yes, it is! Thank you!
Bobby June: Now you've been on a mission, a crusade, really, to help children. It's incredible how many kids you've adopted from Africa. You are such a beautiful person.
Samantha Muldoon: Well, these children are born in places that are so poverty-stricken, it's sad. We bring them to America so they can have a chance at a better life.
Bobby June: Do any of them steal?
Samantha Muldoon: What do you mean?
Bobby June: You know, just wonderin', that's all. You can take the gator out of the swamp, but don't be surprised if it bites you through the coffee table, if you know what I'm sayin'. Speakin' of...I think we should cook some up! Oh, yes, some Bobby June's Deep Bayou Breaded Fried Alligator Tenderloin Scallopini with lemon butter sauce and ranch dressin'!
Ricky: That's right, available in the frozen food aisle of your favorite grocery store.
Bobby June: Okay, let's get that gator out!
(Thud, followed by Samantha screaming)
Bobby June: Oh, you silly girl, it's dead! Ol' pig killed it this mornin'. Had it flown in special. Now, you've had a tough few months, didn't you? Overdosed or somethin'?
Samantha Muldoon: Well, that was an accidental overdose. I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vodka and then ate a fistful of pills while sobbin'. It was a total accident. It has nothin' to do with my career meltdown or my recent breakup or...how I've changed my accent. And the paparazzi just keep hounding me!
Bobby June: Oh, they are somethin', aren't they? Just wantin' to ruin everyone's lives... They put a video of me online sayin' I was talkin' hateful! I was talkin' about gophers and rabbits and things that dig holes in my garden! I hate them varmints, I hate 'em. That liberal media had a field day. Well, I don't believe the liberal media.
(Audience claps)
Bobby June: The ones that win awards for journalistic investigatin'. Trash, I call it. I never read the tablets. Now, Samantha, I must see you on every magazine cover in the checkout aisle. One the other day said you had had sex with an alien. Is that true, girl? Was you lonely?
Samantha Muldoon: Um, no.
Bobby June: That's what I thought. I thought and I said, "that can't be true." We have to keep things pure, you know, don't go around mixin' things that shouldn't be mixed. So tell me about your kids. How many you adopted?
Samantha Muldoon: Thirteen. And I love every one of them. They each have their own room and their own name. You know, Bobby June, children are tiny little liberals. You have to teach them to stop throwin' tantrums and askin' for handouts!
(Audience claps)
Bobby June: Ain't that the truth? Listen, with my kids, I had to teach each of them to beat up their friends and take what they need. Otherwise, they ain't gonna make it in this world. And that...is being a parent.
(Audience claps, Bobby June starts cooking)
Bobby June: Mm-hmm. All right, let's put some oil in the pot here, how 'bout it? We'll get two gallons of pig fat and a bit of beef drippin'. I think about it all the time, you know how bad things are? I just want things to go back the way they were. Life was better when I was growin' up. Sock hops, drive-ins, drink-drivin'... you know, certain words were okay to say, none of this "political correctness"...I mean, that's a misnomer if I've ever heard one. Really! Now, you used to be a Vinewood liberal, didn't you?
Samantha Muldoon: Oh, yes, Bobby June, and I woke up and saw the error of my ways.
(Audience claps)
Samantha Muldoon: It's sad that people are so shallow and petty now, won't even stick by their convictions. Sometimes, when I get down, I think about how happy I am with Lombank. I earn frequent flyer miles on every purchase.
Bobby June: Oh, I saw you Bleet about that, now that's very excitin' to see you talk about somethin' you care about so much, like consumer bankin'.
Samantha Muldoon: Yes, and for the record, I would be talkin' about it even if they weren't payin' me.
(Bobby June continues cooking)
Bobby June: Let me just add a few sticks of butter here to the sauce, a drop of duck fat... Beautiful, it looks great. It's hard out there. I know. Havin' a radio show and writin' books, blogs, appearin' on billboards... I work 18 hours a day. I never took a handout. Fact is, we're fightin' the good fight against evil, and liberals...are traitors.
(Audience claps)
Bobby June: The Founding Fathers set a course for this country, and that is to make sure that the rich don't have to pay taxes and women and minorities can't vote. Money and freedom will trickle down and it's a proven fact that it's the best system of democracy! Journalists are terrorists.
(Audience claps)
Bobby June: They're biased! I'm not biased. It's in my blood. You can keep the surfaces. I'll keep my money! Social Security? (scoffs) The fact is, poor people live too damn long, while the rich die young, havin' been worked to death payin' for all these taxes! I've read the reports. They've tried to hide it!
(Audience claps)
Samantha Muldoon: I'm a strict constitutionalist myself. My grandma told me that when we were under the gold standard, you could buy a hamburger for a nickel! A nickel! Everything was clean. It sounds better.
Bobby June: Well, I can tell you one thing from where I am right here in Bobby June's kitchen. This is how I see it: there's only one foreign policy that's 100% effective, and that's carpet bombing.
(Audience claps and cheers)
Bobby June: Now, while this gator cooks do you wanna sing a song for us? I know you're known mostly for pop songs.
Samantha Muldoon: Yes, but I did some soul-searchin' with my manager, accountant, and dialect coach, and they said that pop country would open a whole new world for me, so I've changed directions and politics a bit in order to explore this new demographic that doesn't save money and buys all kinds of superfluous stuff and doesn't have a clue what downloading is. This is a song from my new album. It's called I Like Things Just the Way They Are.
(Song starts)
Samantha Muldoon (singing):

I like things just the way they are
Don't redefine marriage, you're going too far
Life begins as a precious stem cell
I know how to empty that jail
'Cause I'm done paying your sorry rent
Time for some more capital punishment

Let's just keep everything the same
Gonna pray at the start of every football game
You lefties have just taken things too far
So leave it alone
'Cause I like things just the way they are

I like things just the way they were
You could smoke in restaurants and wear fur
You shoot some men up into space
And everyone knew their rightful place
We won wars and we stood strong
We knew what was right and what was wrong

Let's just keep everything the same
Gonna pray at the start of every football game
You lefties have just taken things too far
So leave it alone
'Cause I like things just the way they are

I like cool country mornings
Spray cheese in my mouth
Let's keep everything pure
Just like the South

Let's just keep everything the same
Gonna pray at the start of every football game
You lefties have just taken things too far
So leave it alone
'Cause I like things just the way they are

Yeah, I like things
Just the way they are
Bobby June: Oh, Samantha, that's really somethin'! Real...beautiful. Wasn't that beautiful, Ricky?
Ricky: Great!
Samantha Muldoon: Thank you, Bobby June! Thank you kindly!
Bobby June: Wasn't that great, girls?
(Female audience members cheer)
Bobby June: Wow, what an end to this show! Here, honey have a bite of gator. That's French dip and that's blue cheese, I know they look similar. Hey, Ricky, get your fat ass out here, honey, where's the barbecue sauce? Samantha, I loved it! I just loved it!
(Ending theme plays)
Bobby June: That's 'bout all the time we've got for day, folks! I love all y'all! Bless your heart and bless your heart, Samantha!
Samantha Muldoon: Bless your heart back, Bobby June!
Bobby June: Oh, so fun!
Audience: Bless your heart!


Trivia[]

  • "Bless Your Heart" is a term used by many people in the Southern United States to express to someone that they are an idiot without using expletives.  
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