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Blaine County Radio Community Hour is a radio talk show on Blaine County Talk Radio in Grand Theft Auto V, hosted by Ron Jakowski.
Overview
The show consists of replays of podcasts in which Ron discusses his various paranoid conspiracy theories. The show also takes calls from listeners who share various conspiracy theories of their own.
Video
Transcript
Announcer: Coming up next - it's Blaine County Radio Community Hour, and a rebroadcast of the podcast by Ronald Jakowski.
Voice 1: The missiles are airborne. America, you have 6 minutes before you are annihilated!
Voice 2: The dead have risen and are feasting on living humans! We're at the scene!
Voice 3: Do you have ED? Why secret government experiments have already made you impotent.
Ron: Chilling words, of course. But something that you will probably hear soon. Or would, if it wasn't getting kept secret from us by the lame-stream media and all the other gatekeepers. Well today, on Blaine County Radio Community Hour, I, Ronald Jakowski, say screw your gates!
I will show you how close we are to death by robo-pocalypse, and how little freedom we really have. Open your ears, people! Thanks to the collapse in media advertising local stations, such as this, have eliminated their staffs, and allow volunteer truthseekers, like me, to finally be heard. Shit! Where's that sound effect button? [Gong] I'm the one to tell you... the truth! There will be no more lies. On today's show, we'll look at the drug trade, at private security, at breasts, at proper roadkill recipes and the Soviet-style purge of the state that is coming. And the alien Lord Zapho, and how his reign on Earth led to the development of human agriculture and at food additives. Yellow, fucking number 5! Do I need to say more? Yellow fucking number 5! President Joe H. Lawton probably snorts growths of this stuff. With his father. And grandfather. These are some serious Illuminatis. Along with lots of other people. And who gives a rat's ass about the space station? What are they doing up here? Growing genetically-modified wheat crust in space in our taxpayer-funded zero-G swinger parties? All made by borrowing money from megabanks? The megabank occupation is here. There's a bank and a drugstore on every corner, so you can get indebted for life by borrowing money, walk next door, and you buy the drugs to numb your pain. That's the country we've let them create. Thank you very much. Let's hear some of the messages people have left on the truthseeker hotline. Remember, you can leave a message for the show any time at 273-555-0155.
Jerry: Hi Ron, my name's Jerry. I'm nervous too! I listen to your podcast show thing here on the radio, I'm tired of this healthcare bullshit too! Some liberal doctor gonna tell me I have diabetes, I call bullshit! Goddamn liar! I eat what I want, motherfucker! Just like my grand-grandpappy. He was in the Donner Party. Now that's some American ingeniuty right there!
Ron: Exactly, Jerry. These beltway circlejerks aren't going to get away with what they're doing. Like you, I'm really worried about civilization. If people are actually going to take health advice from the government, then they deserve what they get! Next message!
Caller 1: Hey, thanks for all that you do for the war on our minds, Ron. I love your show! We have to fight this conservative plot to return America to a pre-industrial state, in which a few corporations own everything! Seriously! I mean, thanks to big pharma, all my children are crippled from vaccines!
Caller 1's Wife: They're crippled 'cause you drink and drive!
Caller 1: Woman, I'm calling into a radio show, shut your trap! It's the vaccines, I know it! We all know, it's common knowlegde, polio is like a snake bite, once you catch it, you just suck out the poison! People in wheelchairs are quitters! Anyway, Ron, tell me how to carry on the fight.
Ron: Well, that thing might've blinded your children, but it turns out, Mother was right after all! Masturbation will make you go blind, at least to your own self-loathing for sixty seconds. And if you take enough of those Mollis pills, you can go blind forever! Speaking of blindness, here's another sensory overload. Smell... I just read this online. Did you know that you can defecate in a jar, ferment it for two weeks in the sun, and then get high off the vapors? The Circle of Life goes in your mouth, out your ass, and back in again! Especially when you're smoking Toilet Cleaner. This is the unfortunate story of America today - a peaceloving, respectable place, where your friends steal your wife, and you lose everything trying to be a nice guy, and you wind up in a trailer in the desert, all alone, and your drug dealing neighbor takes you under his wing and life goes really wacko! But there's also a dark side... red fucking alert! [Siren] Listen, if you legally own, I don't know, say, four or five hundred guns, and you meet another law-abiding citizen in the desert, and you sell those guns, which are your property, to them, for entirely legitimate reasons, as it is your constitutional right, the government will send a drone to spy on you! It's unbelievable. Well, we all know, if you corner a mammal, it will fight back! Except for chinchillas or lemmings and some others that just lay down like a pussy but trust me, I'm not a pussy. I'm working on drone-jamming technology! You ain't spying on me! I mean, this is a dark place, run by aliens looking to suck the blood out of your veins, enabled by do-gooders who are looking to steal the guns, from your home, and trust me, it's all part of the Judo-Christian-Muslim plot to make their religions to seem overly important so people don't ask the real questions about what it all means. I've said it before and I will say it again - open your ears. And if you want an "Open Your Ear" T-shirt, then send me a text. Next message left on the line was from this guy...
Caller 2: Hey... I really like watching people die...
Ron: Thanks for calling. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. People say I'm nervous and paranoid. But I'm not... I'm not, dear listeners, because... I'm not nervous, I'm fearful. And I'm not paranoid because this stuff is true! There is a whole secret world that is getting kept hidden from us that makes everything make sense and I understand it. More or less. And it's my mission to help you understand it too. You see, my buddy, my friend, my mentor and my new life... We'll just call him Philip. Philip Trevors. Yes, his name's Philip. When my friend Trevor, uhh, my friend Philip... he's such a guy, a man. I really wanna get him on my show but man, he doesn't want to. He even left this message.
Trevor: Ron. Ron, you there?! You better not put me on your show you fucking prick or I will drink the blood from your still-pumping veins!
Ron: What a guy! Ahh! Anyway, he thinks that is not true. Thinks I'm paranoid. But he's wrong. And that's the thing. Smart people, the most brilliant people, like Philip Trevors, whatever, they don't get it. They don't get it and that's the point. Big science and big pharma, that's how the whole house of cards works. They've tricked the clever people into actually believing their nonsense! It's the genius of the thing - get the clever people and the stupid people will follow. Right? Right? Right? Wrong. I'm leading a stupid person fight back, one idiot at a time. Here's a message left for the show.
Caller 3: Hi, uhh, hi Ron. Your show is great. I listen to it while I'm metal detecting. In case you don't know, metal detectors are hunting for metallic objects. Y'know, using a detector? I find all kinds of stuff, mostly made of metal. Once I found an expensive engagement ring and I fantasized about the woman that wore it - how it would be like to be with her, caress her, stick a knife in her throat, y'know, just like a real wife! You can find a lot of clues for conspiracies with a metal detector, like the one about bees being gay. Anyway, what do you think, Ron? Love the show, I'll hang up now.
Ron: Here's what I think... The bees have disappeared because they know that shit is about to go down. You know how a horse gets nervous before you take a semen sample? So you have to talk real nice to him, rub its chin, and then grab his member and crank the life out of it! Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, that's the show Beyond Insemination, which is also on this channel. But what isn't on this channel until now, listeners, is the startling fact that in the ancient texts of the Sumerians they talked about the Annunaki. Lizard beings set to descend from the sky! This has been Mesopotamia, which is modern-day Iraq. All those wars now make to make sense now, huh? It's not about oil! It's about lizard people... hiding among us. Here's what I know... You're a searcher... You seek truth... We won't be tricked! I'm leading a rebellion of stupid people. A goddamn rebellion, man! A real one, because we're the last hope. For the mankind, I mean. The smart people. The geniuses. They've already been taken. Zapho's got them. Big science is got 'em! Big pharma! Big soy! Big corn! These soy cornholing assholes! Which takes us to our next listener who called in. Really interesting stuff.
Caller 4: Ron, I'm tired of soy. And I'm definitely tired of soy sauce! I'm tired of soy latte drinking bitches. I went to a restaurant and some geisha handed me a hot towel. She thinks I should take a bath in front of everyone in the restaurant! It ain't decent, it's a fucking insult! And then she tried to give me some shit called edamame. Those are damn soybeans, you ain't fooling me! Then they little fuckers, they want to charge you five dollars! What do you think, Ron? That soy bullshit gave me manboobs! I'm having my hands over them right now. I'm hanging up now, I'm getting all excited again.
Ron: Interesting. Big soy. Big corn. Or big con. They pulled this lie with contrails. They did it with contrails. Con-trails. Only work on people with an IQ over 150. Cons! Like we're all idiotic convicts staring at lines in the sky! If preaching this truth is wrong, I don't wanna be right. What they do is make you believe contrails don't work. It's genuis! Listen. Burn your computer right now. By my math, we've got less than 3 months left. Seriously! Either that or 30 thousand years... depends on the math! I used to be an accountant. Before I understood everything. I was like you, a drone being harvested - not that kind of drone that vaporizes people from space - and somebody explain to me why we have the largest military budget in the world, bigger than all the other nations combined, but it's just a bunch of assholes playing with remote-control planes! They can work from home, harvesting innocent people. Well, no one's gonna harvest - me. I'm beyond harvesting. I don't need any corn products at all. Not even sweet corn. Not any kind. But when they land in full, and come they will, because someone of them are already here, man, they're already here! Hu-uh... That terrifies me, and that should terrify the hell out of you. Hold on. Back to the truthseeker line.
Caller 5: Yeah, I did it like you said on last the show. I've been doing them proper pre-collection excercises so I can install a radio in my ass when the abduction comes, because we all know that in the prisons of Lord Zapho, only the truly prepared will survive. At this particular juncture, in my ass, I've got a pound of rice, two energy bars, a commemorative plate, a tiny saw, a deck of cards, a teeny-weeny radio, some loose change, a prophylactic, a masonry bit, a first aid kit, a nudie magazine, a carton of cigarettes, some chewing tobacco, a copy of my medical records and a mammograph pillow, 'cause I'll be dead if I will sleep on the cold cell floor.
Ron: That's great work. Listeners, let me make one thing clear. I'm not paranoid. I'm not even delusional. This is Blaine County Community Radio brought to you in association with Pill-Pharm, Buddy's Trucking, and Larry's RV Sales of Blaine County and You Tool, because blue-collar guys aren't geniuses and neither are you. Anyway, let's go on with the show. Question: big corporations - harmless greedy capitalists or secret sharing-obsessed communists? I'll let you be the judge. Listen to that thing I read last week. Shit. Shit! Well, I've got it somewhere. I read it online. Serious dark internet web shit. Big brains. Solar eco-ecology lunar infra-red capitalism stuff. Oh, oh yeah. And when I was growing up, we had nine planets. Now it's eight. Where did the other one go? I mean, that is some shit! When you can be the government, you can make a planet disappear. Where did they put it? And who's living there? Here's another fan of the show.
Caller 6: Hi Ron, I think you're right! I am tuned with the Earth! I went on a mission, to be like the ancient civilizations of South America, when you make a habit of having elaborate sexual rituals with virgins that die in the end. You get a whole new outlook at life. I'm a changed man. I've never felt better! I really like virgins.
Ron: Exactly! South America! When I was growing up, people in the south of America spoke English! But that goes to show you - it's about the dark antimatter of money, and how the banks and politicians have been corrupted by the Illuminati in a totally different way than the way you imagined. Red alert, people. [Alarm Bell] Banks aren't just about lending you money so you are a slave to the system, they actually, huhu, enslave you by capturing your DNA at the very moment you open your account and then use that DNA to build a replica of you that lives in the same house as the one you live in, only in cyberspace. And you have to keep leveling up and buying shit for your character! And that's the truth everyone ignores. There's a virtual me somewhere... and I intend on finding him and killing him.
Caller 7: Ron, I've been wanting to call your show for a while and leave a message. What you said about doppelgangers - it's true. I have a doppelganger and we have sex, and it's not remotely creepy or gay. At all!
Ron: I wish you could've left a callback number because I would have warned her. Listen to me, all you twins out there. It's an abomination! You have to kill your twin. In their sleep! Tonight! Right now. Immediately! And for that matter, kill the alien mother that spawned you. She's got a cloning factory in that DNA disaster of a womb. Back to banks and the alternative reality. They not only want you to default, but also sometimes, they switch people for their own avatars. So the question becomes of course, am I me, or my own digital reflection? Sometimes when I drink, things get all pixely. It's pretty out-there stuff, I know. But... [Gong] Stick that in your garden wind-spinner and blow it out your ass! Ha! In Brussels, they have a little boy who pees into a fountain and people drink it. No wonder the Euro is such a mess. Fucking pee drinkers. And to think the courts called me creepy? Let's get back to this plot by the banks to use your DNA to build entirely with your legal permission and documents you signed, a digital slave avatar of you. And that slave version will one day replace you, only it won't have free will at all. You know how they do it? I've said it a thousand times - memory foam. Here's a caller that agrees with me.
Caller 8: Yeah, hello? That's after the beep, right? Anyway, what you said about memory foam on, on your last show... that scares the shit out of me! I've got one of them memory foam beds. I think it's listening. When I blackout, I bang a fat girl. And then she's not there the next day, but I know because there's a big dent there the next morning. That bed remembers! It's downloading my memories and my wife every night while I sleep. Ron, I'm scared!
Ron: Memory foam! No wonder you're having such a comfortable sleep, America. Wake up! Open your ears! We're going to drive these demon mattresses out into the square of every city and burn them! And those memories and spirits will be set free, like that movie about the Ark of the Covenant. Alright, let's play another message we've got on our high security, untraceable podcast caller messaging system just yesterday. Here, listen to this. It's genius. Real genius. Really makes things clear about the way the dental profession is designed to let people implant heavy metals directly into your brain. Not to make you crazy, but so certain, high-security government agencies can read your thoughts!
Caller 9: Hi Ron, big fan of the show, real big fan. Look, I want to make things real clear about the the way the dental profession is designed to let people implant heavy metals directly into your brain. Not to make you crazy, but so certain, high-security government agencies can read your thoughts!
Ron: See? See, see? See, see? Hear. Open your ears! [Gong] Seriously! I've heard of a government facility somewhere in Blaine County that's developing a nerve toxin so powerful, a single drop could turn the West Coast into a bunch of vapid asswipes who stare at the sun and have forgotten how to read. That's... No wait, hehe, that's a little old joke. Stay on your toes, people, because someone's out there to get you, and you're probably paying for the privilege! Remember, if you got something for me, Ron Jakowski, then call or e-mail the show. Until next time, someone is reading your thoughts, so make sure they're scrambled.
Trivia
- At one point, Ron mentions "That movie about the Ark of the Covenant", referencing Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- After the Smuggler's Run update, there is now an updated podcast by Ron that can play. It makes various references to events during Grand Theft Auto V's timeline, Grand Theft Auto itself and events such as snow in Los Santos during Christmas events and switching characters. It also stars a guest, a right-wing activist named Sophia Bowles-Carmichael.
- When phoning the hotline from an apartment, a strange static noise will play, rather than the regular voicemail which plays when phoning from outside or in a car.
- It is possible that the first podcast rerun is from September 2012, as Ron makes a throwaway line about the world approaching its end three months later on the Mayan calendar.
