| Michelle Montanius: |
This next show is brought to you by unplanned parenthood of Starfish Island, Maurice. Don't wait until the last minute to take care of important business, now it's Bait and Switch with Larry Joe and Bobbie Ray. |
| Bait and Switch intro begins; a drum beat followed by a banjo tune. A fishing hook is cast into a lake before immediately getting reeled back in. |
| (Speaking on top of the music and SFX) |
| Larry Joe: |
Woo-wee! Hot shit, you got one, Bobbie! Heh heh, woo-wee! Yeah well, fishin' for me is more than puttin' food on the table. It's about mud divin', beer chasin' n' gator wrasslin'! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah! Domestic violence and a deep-seated hatred of foreigners! |
| Larry Joe: |
Hell yes, that too! (laughs) It's time for Bait and Switch! WOO! |
| Larry Joe and Bobbie Ray: |
(chanting) Guts! Glory! Guns! Fish! Boats! Death! Death! Death! |
| Larry Joe: |
Goddamn, that feels good. |
| Announcer: |
Bait and Switch, Vice City's only radio show devoted to water sports, power boats, water skiing, furry flounder fishing, and dialectical materialism! ...oh, wrong script. Who WROTE THIS SHIT?! |
| Announcer: |
Yeah, that's more like it. And tits! It's Bait and Switch with Larry Joe and Bobbie Ray, only on VCPR! |
| Larry Joe: |
Well, welcome to the show, and we're going to start the show the way we always do...with a prayer... ALRIGHT, LET'S FUCK UP SOME WILDLIFE! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Amen to that! |
| Larry Joe: |
Alright, now today's a special episode of Bait and Switch, coming at you pre-recorded from the Vice City Boat and Sports Show. Man, oh man, this place is in-cruh-edible. There's so many boats and guns, you put 'em together and I'm in gunboat heaven, I'll tell you what, and later on, we're gonna be talkin' to some folks who know a lot about guns AND boats, includin' one lucky guy's turned his passion into a job. State Executioner, JASON MCKAY! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I love that guy's work... |
| Larry Joe: |
Hell yes, it's deterred, you know. Now we'll also talk to a coupla boys from the panhandle of inventin' a new kinda dynamite fish. But first, our regular feature: You and Your Boat. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Now, let's talk about the fundamentals of what to have on your boat. This's a bit akin to last week, but then it was about the basics. A-and this is about the fundamentals. You know, I mean, it's a big difference, but not one I care to explain right now. |
| Larry Joe: |
That's right, that's one of 'em thangs either you get it or ya don't, 'slike herpes. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Absolutely. The most important thing is not to bring the old lady. Leave the women folk at home! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
They get bored and they ruin everything. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Fishin' with your best friend is a lotta fun, man. Coupla men on a boat, we're out in nature, we're all alone. We're hungry. We're happy. Just like in caveman times. These are the simple pleasures no one understands no more. |
| Larry Joe: |
Uh, that's...that's right. Uh, now, i-it's important that you choose a body of water not too far from your house, so ya don't have to drive very far...or at all...to get home. After a day'a fishin', you're gonna be drunk, if you've done it right. But since we're volunteer policemen, we don't get no kinda trouble. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
But folks should also make sure it's a real body'a water. I once drank a case of Logger. I got real morose and down and shit, got some dynamite, went manatee huntin' like you do. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I mean, blew the shit out of them bastards. Only when I sobered up I saw the police and the ambulance and stuff, then I realized it wasn't a proper waterway, but the local na--fuckin' water park! That's what it was it was the local water park. |
| Larry Joe: |
Eh, uh...what the-- |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I was fucked up, man! But those bitches was fat! They looked like goddamn manatees. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Not a good day's fishin'. I killed nineteen people. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
And if you screw with me, I'll do the same to you! |
| Larry Joe: |
Jesus, Bobbie...y-ya back in 'Nam? |
| Larry Joe: |
We came outta that together, 'member, Bobbie? I mean, I--you saved my leg. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Not a good day's fishin'. |
| Larry Joe: |
Uh...thank...thanks...thanks a lot for that, Bob. Thank you, uh, movin' on with the show. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah! ...you got a beer, LJ? |
| Larry Joe: |
HELL no, not A beer! I got a fuckin' CASE'a beer! Drink up, boy! |
| SFX: |
(Larry Joe opens a can of beer) |
| SFX: |
(Bobbie Ray opens a can of beer) |
| Larry Joe: |
(Burps) Yeah...that's gonna be some good fuckin' show, I'll tell you what. (Laughs) |
| Bobbie Ray: |
(Burps) Yeah! That's right. |
| Larry Joe: |
God DAMN, Bobbie, you're a regular wind tunnel in there. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
(Burps longer this time) |
| Bobbie Ray (under Larry): |
Burpin', fishin', fuckin'... |
| Larry Joe: |
Holy shit, smells like a fuckin' camel! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Man, you crack me up, man! Thanks! DRINKS! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
That's the good stuff. You know, LJ, I just want you to know...I mean man, you mean a lot to me. A real lot, man. |
| Larry Joe: |
Uh...fish in these parts, see, it's all about selectin' the right way to go after your prey. Eh, you really gotta think about how to approach the fish. You know? What kindsa pole you gonna use? |
| Bobbie Ray: |
And make sure you use the right bait. I mean, I use a stink bait by rubbin' night crawlers or grubs on my junk. REAL nice. It's unresistable, my junk. |
| Larry Joe: |
Legendary. That's true, they still talkin' 'bout it in the platoon, every time we get back together, every single Memorial Day, we always hear 'bout the smell'a his junk. |
| (Larry tries to say something, but is immediately cut off by Bobbie) |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah. When you're in a foxhole, you gotta do what you gotta do. |
| Larry Joe: |
I've seen fish just jump straight out the water and bite his nuts. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Remember that time in the foxhole? Me, you? |
| Larry Joe: |
Nah, I bel-I believe I blacked out that time and I--I never did find out why. You said your shirt was a Viet Cong, did that to me. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Uh...you're a host, TALK! |
| Larry Joe: |
I'm sorry, uh, tell ya, fish can't resist a good stink bait. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Or a jerk bait. I do that a lot, too. It's really primal, you know? I mean what am I gonna do? Fishin' makes me horny sometimes. |
| Larry Joe: |
(clears throat) |
| Bobbie Ray: |
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout, Larry? |
| Larry Joe (under Bobbie): |
No, I-- |
| Bobbie Ray: |
You know, it's like football, you know, in the changin' rooms...after a big win. |
| Larry Joe: |
OH HEY, WATCH OUT BOB! |
| SFX: |
(Larry cocks a gun and shoots) |
| Larry Joe: |
Haha, there, got the fucker. (Continues laughing) |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I'm tellin' ya, man, fishin', huntin' at the same time is good, too. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Ya know, cuz you don't have to pick between the two things ya like equally, ya know, and people don't judge you unfair for it. Ya know, like some folks, who get all judgmental 'n' shit, and start callin' it a sin. |
| Larry Joe: |
Hey listen, you're fishin' in land from Vice City, waitin' for bass and lily pads filled with gators 'n' snakes 'n' copperheads...uh, that's a snake. Alright, well, anyway, it's always a hoot. Now way I see it, some'n's gonna get it, ya know what I'm sayin'? Man's gotta EAT! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
That's right, man, you know what I do, I lure 'em in with my big shiner, my rod tip, dancin' on the edge'a the water, just waitin' for a big, wet bite...you wanna see? |
| Larry Joe: |
Uh, no--no, I do not, Bobbie. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Look, when you catch that big one, that's what I'm tryna say, you gotta wrassle 'em in a boat. It feels so good to pin something to the ground, you know? They're wiggling around, they're tryna resist...you know, when you're out there, it's easy to conceive of men without women, you know, and like, women without men. You know, abou--about three of 'em, you know, like, I don't know, Swedish or some shit. |
| Larry Joe: |
You are out of your fuckin' mind, you know that, uh? Hey, listen! Most important of all, make sure ya sink every penny you own into a good boat. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah, cuz then they can't get any of that alimony, you know what I mean, no alimony for bitches. |
| Larry Joe (over Bobbie): |
Yeah! Yeah! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Because women are trouble. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Lemme tell you somethin'. That's why--when I go to a strip club, I tear the bills in half, and I get two stuffs for a buck. Women are teasers and they only care about money. Sick of it. |
| Larry Joe: |
(Laughs) Kids, you listenin' up? Hey, 'n' ya know, fishin's competitive, too, I mean, tryna break the sound barrier to get to a fishin' hole early in the mornin's a great way to spill the cooler fulla beer, and knock the transom and bottom halfa your motor off your boat, ya know? I mean, 50 boats goin' 0 to 70 in 15 seconds on the same body'a water in the dark at 6 am, while drinkin', WOO! Now that's havin' fun out in nature, that is fuckin' conservation. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
And if turtles or liberals or anybody else gets in your way, or your good time, just shoot 'em! |
| Larry Joe (under Bobbie): |
Yeah. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Survival of the fittest, man! That's how I got here! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I mean to think there were a million other sperm I had to compete against, swimmin' around in my mom's love tunnel. |
| Larry Joe: |
Um...what the hell are you talkin' 'bout? |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Thank the Good Lord is what I'm tryna say, cuz I am the highest form of life on the Earth, all from that one day! That, and cuz I got these thumbs. I call 'em trigger bitches, that's what I call 'em. You know what, whatever. Let's take a quick break, you're listenin' to Bait and Switch, and even though the environmentalists cry every time we say it, this is V. C. PR, Vice City. Public Radio. |
| Jonathan Freeloader: |
And this is Jonathan Freeloader, formerly of Channel 4 News. Now here at half the pay because that's what public radio is all about: doing good, feeling very good about yourself. But like I told my divorce attorney, I'm gonna starve that bitch. Bait and Switch is brought to you by Double OT-Logger beer. When you're trying to ease the pain of life with a TV cowboy for a president, do it fast with Double OT-Logger. |
| Announcer: |
Now back to Bait and Switch! |
| Larry Joe: |
Okay, you're back on Bait and Switch, now me and Bobbie here was just talkin' 'bout these do-gooders tryna save the whale or the giraffe or the manatee or the platypus or the echidna, whatever. Now when I'm fishin' a good spot in the cove or open ocean that big dumb sea cow just gets in my way... |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I saw a manatee at the Vice City Aquarium last week, it let out a feces the size of your head. |
| Larry Joe: |
Yeah. Uh, and I tell ya what, I don't want anyone comin'n my bathroom and watchin' me do a number two. |
| Larry Joe: |
So, uh, remember, survival is important. We hunt to kill, but nature hunts us to kill too! I-I was-- |
| Larry Joe: |
Nah, I meant that! I meant-- |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I know, I just...ah... |
| Larry Joe: |
You get stuck out in the bush and you had to stay warm, say, what would you do? |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I, ya know, look, hey man, a ma--a man's gotta live off the land, ya know? |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Ya gotta be prepared to wrap yourself in some plastic wrap together and share the warmth, man. Ya know, hey, uh, ya know, two bodies, pressed together and ya know, i-it's cold, ya--ya know... |
| Bobbie Ray: |
You spoon, you do what you gotta do, man. |
| Larry Joe: |
Or--uh--or as an alternative...to that, y'know, you can-- |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Oh hell yeah. |
| Larry Joe: |
...always bring some gasoline, set someth'n' on fire... |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what, that's it, that's it, burnin' shit is great. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Fuck, burn people too, I don't care. That's how we won 'Nam. Any scrub or far should do it, really. |
| Larry Joe: |
(Clears throat) So that's--that's, uh...that's it! Haha, that's it. |
| Larry Joe: |
Everything you need for a successful trip into the wilderness. |
| Larry Joe: |
We got boats, fishin' poles, uh...high-quality ordnance...beer. |
| Larry Joe: |
We got more beer. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah, heh heh, yeah. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
And a buddy. Don't forget a buddy out there. |
| Larry Joe: |
Yeah! And you have yourself a good ol' time. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
You know, some Indian tribes have beauty contests where the female contestants have to kill and slaughter a sheep. I mean, to see a woman all covered in blood...and sinew...eh...what I'm sayin' is, they're all rabid bitches anyway. |
| Larry Joe: |
Yeah, Amen to that. Amen to that. Now, that was this week's "You and Your Boat". You're listenin' to Bait and Switch with me, Larry Joe, and my co-host, Bobbie Ray. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Nonono, wait, wait. We're morning co-hosts, alright, we're buddies. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I mean I'd take a bullet for you. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
A big load in the face, bro. |
| Larry Joe: |
Yeah. What? Uh, shh... |
| Bobbie Ray: |
We're best buddies, is what I'm sayin'. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I mean we did that thing together--we're best buddies. |
| Larry Joe: |
No, no, no we did not do that thing! Now you asked and I said no. We did not do that thing-- |
| Bobbie Ray: |
We did so! We became blood brothers, okay? |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah. After you cut your hand, takin' that treble hook right out of that scene you accidentally snagged... |
| Larry Joe: |
Right, right! Yeah, yeah, THAT! That's what you're, uh, talkin' 'bout. Of course! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I mean, we have the best times, you know, you, me, the guys, MEN, havin' fun together, we're laughin', cryin', huggin', (I'm just sayin!) |
| Larry Joe: |
Sssshut up with that funny shit! Just can it right there, Bobbie! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
No, you give me a goddamn break, man, this stuff's important to me! |
| Larry Joe: |
Listen, I have a wife listenin' right now-- |
| Bobbie Ray: |
She's a goddamn whore! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Oh, man, oh... |
| Larry Joe: |
No, not this again. Again! Alright, now we're on the air! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Damn...(I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry...) |
| Larry Joe: |
We're at the boat show, okay? Good times, man, think happy thoughts! Outboard motors, dead fish, bullets rippin' through flesh. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I'm thinkin' about death right now, man... |
| Larry Joe: |
Oh, great, great. That's happy. So anyhow, listen. Bait and Switch is coming at you today from the boat show here in Vice City. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I hate myself. I...fuck...I just hate myself. |
| Larry Joe: |
Lookit, don't lose any sleep over it, all right? Just don't worry about it, forget it. We met some great folk here...at the boat show, real people, not office folk, I mean, people with necks. A copula girls with big tits advertisin' the Ammu-Nation bazooka sale, I said to her, "Hey, you got a license to carry them 44's?" (laughs) Oh, she didn't get it. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
The sluts, man, you know what I mean, they're just--they're just--they're just sluts! |
| Larry Joe: |
Alright, shut up. Okay, hear me, just shut up, all right? I ain't doin' this no more, and I mean no more like, never, you hear me, Bobbie Ray?! You hear me?! You are actin' hysterical, actin' funny, and I don't mean "ha ha" funny, I mean funny like-- |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah, yeah, man, alright, alright, you know, I-I hear you, Larry Joe, it's just-- |
| Larry Joe: |
Alright, so, so say it. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Look man, alright, I'm sorry I called your wife Marie Sue a whore. Okay? And those two hookers sluts, I'm sorry. |
| Larry Joe: |
Alright, look it, Bobbie's just upset; this big ol' striper that he had and the line broke right as he's 'bout to pull into the boat, I mean, I understand. I understand that. Now he's just lettin' off some steam, tryna relax. Sometimes, relaxing can be stressful! 'Slike when ya accidentally hit a bitch in the face for mouthin' the fuck off to ya, ya know what I'm sayin'? |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah, yeah... |
| Larry Joe: |
And YOU! You, be quiet! Or I'll walk, and you'll be back at the truck stops and off the goddamn radio. Oh, man, relaxin' is great, and uh, here at the boat show, it's all about relaxin'. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I'll tell ya man, you know what relaxes me? Jerkin' off. |
| Larry Joe: |
Right now, on Bait and Switch, we got a guy I met earlier with somethin' no serious outdoorsman should be without. Welcome to Bait and Switch, Kenny Crane! |
| Kenny Crane: |
Hi guys how y'all doin'?! |
| Kenny Crane: |
You bet your ass! |
| Larry Joe: |
So, Kenny, how you enjoyin' the boat show? |
| Kenny Crane: |
Man, it just gets better every year, I mean, this year it's just amazin'! I mean it's just FULL of BOATS up on BLOCKS! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah, it's incredible, you know what I mean? These boats, I mean ya know, you see guys standin' around, thinkin' about what comes natural and primal...you know, like in a circle. |
| Kenny Crane: |
Yeah, you bet your sweet ass, but I'm here representin' my product, somethin' I invented, ya know, that no serious hunter should ever consider goin' into the wilderness without her! It's deer urine... |
| Larry Joe: |
Hey, now what in the high holy hell are you talkin' 'bout, son? |
| Kenny Crane: |
Have you ever covered yourself in deer urine? The bucks can't resist it, boy! They'll roll up on ya, lookin' all WIDE-EYED, scratchin' their antlers on trees, it'll give you a big throbber, I'm tellin' you! |
| Larry Joe: |
Look, I-I don't care, I put no animal urine on me. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
I will. I mean, for the show-- |
| Larry Joe: |
That just about wraps up our program, broadcastin' from the Vice City Boat and Sports show... |
| Larry Joe: |
Stop down here if you can, you'll see a lot of things make you proud to be a man. |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Like other men. |
| Larry Joe: |
Like, uh, like like GUNS and...and... |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Yeah yeah yeah. |
| Larry Joe: |
Flags for your trucks, and, and, and beatin' up on little girls and stuff like that, you know, new ways through technology at showin' who is the dominant species! Until next time, stick in yer rod and screw the limit, and if it moves, fill it full'a holes! |
| Bobbie Ray: |
Amen to that! |
| Larry Joe: |
Heh heh heh! Oh, shit. |
| Michelle Montanius: |
That was Bait and Switch. Wow, Florida has a lot of heritage, doesn't it? They say the South will rise again, and look! They've infiltrated this station, but that's what public radio is. It represents the public, 25% of which is at least that dimwitted and lazy. |
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