The Richard Bastion Show/Script

Episode 1
ANNOUNCER: The #1 conservative talk show in America. He's America's anchorman. The conservative captain of the Good Ship Freedom isn't free, proving we can shout down any dissenting voices. It's The Richard Bastion Show.

MAN #1: I'd say more and more people need to stop breastfeeding in public.

RICHARD BASTION: Absolutely! Breasts are filthy, cover 'em up, okay, don't make me pull out my boot knife and give you a masectomy.

MAN #2: America is too concerned with birth control! We need to be making babies, we need to catch up with the Chinese.

RICHARD BASTION: I'm with ya. Y'know, we've gotta monitor people's email. We gotta outlaw all the wrong religions, okay? Cause that way we can finally be free in this country.

MAN #3: This is it. Continued precipitation in America. It's not okay for men to be hugging each other and crying and talking about their feelings.

RICHARD BASTION: You know what? I disagree. I say feel, but feel with your fists, alright? Right there, the hammers that God gave you on the end of your arms, okay, you with me Bastion's Buddies?

(Applause from a studio audience)

ANNOUNCER: And now, here's the man himself, Richard Bastion!

RICHARD BASTION: Alright, thanks for joining me Bastion's Buddies here, and on 1400 radio stations worldwide. Welcome to the show. Now today we're talking about family values on the program, and I'll tell you right now, I'm married to two women. My wife, my lovely, lovely wife, with her beautiful hair and pretty face. The second person I'm married to, America. Now, here's my thing, I won't go down south on either. Why? Because it does not help with populating this great country with real Americans. It's about pleasure, not procreation, and that is pointless! Okay, now if you can't alliterate a real idea, it's too complicated and I will not blind you with science. Now, now I know why bigemy is illegal in most states. I-i-i-it's, you know, it's tough, it's tough serving two women. In my line of work, you need to be able to sing the National Anthem, or a uhhhhh, a spiritual showtune with equal amounts of enthusiasm. But remember, I ain't just whistlin' Dixie, cause nobody, nobody likes a whistler, or a whistle-blower. You know, it's like, ahhh, when you see, when you see two people kiss in public, especially ugly people. Good lord, keep it to yourself, folks, okay? Put the tongues back in their bags, I don't wanna see it. You know, you keep traditional values. Traditons. There are the-- there aren't too many of them around anymore, so we better fight for the few we got left. Alright, lemme tell ya, I love my country. I would love to tongue kiss the Statue of Happiness. You know, just reach my hand underneath that big smock she's wearing and just give her a nice freedom squeeze. Let's go to the phones, you're through to me, Richard Bastion.

CALLER #1: Hi Ricky, I'm a Bastion's Buddy. (a horn call sounds) I've got a problem with what this country's become. Nobody gives a shit about holidays anymore! On Memorial Day, they don't remember the troops, they're shitfaced on pills and ball caps a sofa sale at the mall! And July 4th? They just wanna get drunk for three days straight and blow shit up! What's wrong with slaughtering the British, like we used to?

RICHARD BASTION: What are you talking about? There are a lot of great traditions left, like, uh, like, y-you know, hating open-minded liberals and spreading unsubstantiated slurs about 'em. N-n-n-now on Independence Day, you know, I like to find a nice Indian casino and celebrate by trying to steal their shit again. That's what I'm into, traditional values. Kim, on line 2.

KIM: You know what really concerns me about America? The educational system. First of all, the liberals are making our children learn things like geography. Who cares where the terrorists come from? If our children know about other countries, there's less time spent teaching them about America's superiority. We don't need geography to kill terrorists.

RICHARD BASTION: Ugh, if I had all the time in the world that I've wasted on explaining things to women. Here, lemme explain something to you, alright? Public education is another lie. Okay, you see it in the bunk, tney're teaching science. Now science is good when it teaches you how to turn a million ungrateful foreigners into glass. That I'm giving a thumbs up to, okay? That's a great discovery. But don't tell me that anything that I do causes a problem. I don't wanna hear that. Cause you're the problem. You know why? Beacuse this is the land of the free, not the land of the free lunches for minorities. Okay? I don't care if they are the ones serving it. They shouldn't get it for free. (An alarm sounds) Okay, we've got a live terrorist sighting. Hello? You're on the Richard Bastion Show.

CALLER #2: Yeah, I-I'm on the train, and I see a guy who's a terrorist! This guy's really suspicious.

RICHARD BASTION: Okay, good, good, what's he doing?

CALLER #2: He's sitting there, reading some religious shit.

RICHARD BASTION: Okay, now how can you tell this shit's religious, what is it, what's going on with it?

CALLER #2: Sure it is! It's in a different fucking language! It's Spanish or something.

RICHARD BASTION: That is a sure sign, okay, now what you're sitting across from right there is "Al Con Queso". They're Spanish terrorists, the worst kind. Okay, they're already infiltrating into all our shitty jobs, you know, you see 'em outside, you know, various hardware stores waiting to just-- the next strike, okay? They're the most dangerous of all, I cannot stress that enough. Now, now, you know what you have to do, don't ya?

CALLER #2: I sure do. I'm on 24/7. We're on a train, there's kids everywhere. Time to let fly with some bullets to see what this bastard is all about! Dude, thanks a lot Richard. Eat lead you Al Con Queso motherfucker! (The caller begins to fire bullets, leading the passengers of the train into a screaming franzy)

RICHARD BASTION: That's great. Perfect! Now that, that is a true American. I just wanna give that man a Heartstopper from Burger Shot, shove a slice of apple pie up his ass and salute that guy. That son of a gun loves America. You see? Bastion's Buddies, we're everywhere, and we're all about keeping this country safe. Next caller.

CALLER #3: You're always going on and on about homeland security and executing slow people. But, I mean, I don't really care about the issues! I've got a lot of guns, and a pretty impressive penis!

RICHARD BASTION: Well, you know, I think that's all you really need! You know, that's the dream the liberal media is taking away from us. Now, you gotta trust me here. I've been fined a lot for talking about the size of my penis. I mean, it is closely shaped to a tennis ball container. I'm just gonna leave it at that. Alright? Now, you take the Liberty Tree, alright? Now this is a newspaper giving aid to terrorists by reporting on unconstitutional activities by the government! Okay, I don't wanna know what the government's doing, they're doing it right. That's all I need to know. They're doing it, and they're doing it right. Sometimes you have to go outside the law to catch a bad guy. Okay, you see it in movies all the time. What further proof do you need? Going to the phones.

CALLER #4: Yeah, um, I wanna talk about that guy's penis. It sounds awesome!

RICHARD BASTION: No. No, no, no. Next caller.

MIKE MEEPLES: Hey, this is Mike Meeples, and I'll tell you what's wrong with America, man. Stupid people.

RICHARD BASTION: Mmhmm, yeah, it is a problem. In old America, the America I fell in love with, we dealt with stupid people very discretely. Okay? Now, now I don't know if it's something in the water, or, or the lack of separate water fountains, but it's like a plague has taken over, I mean, I've, you know, I've had it with the homosexual agenda. No, thank you. Leave us the hell alone! And with that, we're out of time, we'll see you next... time, on the Richard Bastion Show.

Episode 2
ANNOUNCER: Conservatives finally have a real voice on the radio. It's the Richard Bastion Show.

MAN #1: This country's going to Hell. Ever since we let those damn Austrailians back in this country, everything's gone to shit. What the hell did we go to war with them for in the first place?!

RICHARD BASTION: I'll tell you why. We did it for freedom, and for valuable munitions contracts.

MAN #2: There's sick, degenerate folk known as Furry. They're dressed up in a cute little bunny suit with holes cut in them for their penises that stick out and they pat each other's hineys, making weird-ass animal noises.

RICHARD BASTION: Do you hear what public television has brought to you, America? Do you hear what's happened to the children? Hiney pounding!

ANNOUNCER: Saving America from itself. It's the Richard Bastion Show!

(Applause)

RICHARD BASTION: Allright, America, we're back, we're back here. Bastion's Buddies salute. (Bastion's Buddies salute plays on a horn) At ease. Today on the show, we're gonna talk about why America is #1. Okay, without further adue, let's do what this show is all about, and hit the phone lines. You are the people that make the show. All I do is make the money and spend it on facefuls of pharmaceuticals until I go deaf. Hello, caller.

CALLER #1: I just wanted to call in and say that I absolutely love the show.

RICHARD BASTION: Well, I absolutely love that you think that, okay, now you wanna talk about what makes America #1, huh?

CALLER #1: We have a completely incompetent buffoon for a leader. We drive outrageously large gas-guzzling (inaudable) monstrosity.

RICHARD BASTION: I know. It's fantastic, isn't it? What we've been given, uh, from our forefathers is the freedom from thought. That, for my money, is real freedom! Knowing you're always right! That's real freedom! It's like life is a party that's never gonna end. And, and, you're not hosting that party, you're just there so you can, you can, you can, you know, take a dump on the coats, you can, you know, leave your beer bottle in the toilet if you want. It doesn't matter, it's not your house. Okay, we're just here to have a good time. Now, this is unless we make a serious mistake in the election. You know, think about it. You can't expect someone with no backbone to police the world. And that's what these liberals don't seem to understand. I-i-it's very clear. Drinking is a sin. Laying is a sin. Fisting? You know, that's a mortal sin. And the trannies, well, don't even get me started on the trannies. It's science run amuck. Okay? It's very confusing. I'm looking at a woman, I'm talking to a woman, I see the woman's penis, now I'm confused. I don't know what's going on. The government i-i-is turning into a confused transgender prostitute. I mean, it really is! You know, they don't know who to serve! You feel terrible afterwards, you have an overwhelming feeling that everything in your life is horribly wrong. Yes, it feels good while you're doing it. Yes, you're making him/her feel good. But still, it's wrong. Julie, on Line 1.

JULIE: I'm totally with you, Richard! I feel like there's a full assault on our values. We need to prepare our own counter-assault. I mean, I'm a good person with good values. I think we should just go after anyone who doesn't agree with me, or celebrate my holidays.

RICHARD BASTION: Julie, you're totally right. I mean, the Minority Agenda, the, the, the Midget Agenda. Yuck! Yuck! You know, every idiot in this country has a damn agenda! You know, what about my agenda, you know what that is? America! It is up to us, Bastion's Buddies, to tell people what they can do. Because if not, they're gonna live like heathens. Left of their own devices, they're gonna eat their own... shit. You know, they're gonna have sex with their daughters. And we gotta tell them what to do, and what to listen to, otherwise, we're gonna be screwed. We're gonna be screwed. We want order, America. Do you hear me? We want order.

JULIE: Well, I'm ready to take the Bastion's Buddies Pledge.

RICHARD BASTION: Okay, well then all you gotta do right now, Jullie, I need to raise your right hand. Okay, I'm gettin' another buddies pledge  and i-i-it's abstinence. Okay, now what is that? It's doing nothing. Now you're good at doing nothing, right Julie?

JULIE: Yeah, I'm totally frigid!

RICHARD BASTION: That's great! That's great! Abstinence from sexual activity, it builds up hormones, okay, listen to me, this is science, this is me using science for good. Abstinence builds up hormones. Abstaining for a long time produces a euphoric feeling, okay? It-it is nature's anti-depressant. Say it. "I will not come on to men" say it with me.

BOTH: I will not come on to men and sodomy is a sin, even if I crave it.

RICHARD BASTION: Okay good. Now I take that pledge every morning: when I wake up, I ge- I-I look in the mirror, okay. Y'know after I get done doing my facial scrub and then, y'know some uh I-I put some toner on my face... Uh, but after that, I say that pledge, it's great for strength and purity of our nation. There are no better ways to serve your country apart from one. And it involves taking out museums and inappropriate health facilities. If-if we're gonna stay pure out there, and on focus into turning this country into an aggressive and limited access paradise, then listeners, you're gonna need to start by avoiding... Uh, uh... Romance novels. Um, any machinery that vibrates! Uh, hand soap. Baby oil. Baby soap. Hand oil. The internet, okay? Jumper cables! Uh-uh-uh-uh, wh-y'know uh, wh-what are tho-Trampolines! Alright, trampolines! You get... You get a-a-a young lady on a trampoline and her boobs start bouncing, or you get a... A well-endowed man, and his package is bouncing all over, you're gonna start thinking, "Well there's more to life than shutting up!" And-and that's not what is true. It's that simple. Next caller. What's wrong with this country?!

CALLER #3: We don't have enough mascots.

RICHARD BASTION: Okay that is-Now that is true. This is so true. Kids, the children of America need to look up to people like... Like Derrick the Dodo! A-and not some, not some liberal puppet o-on public television teaching you how to count! Okay? Y'know there's only three numbers I care about, and that is "3, 2, 1, launch!" Alright, that is the-that is what I like to hear, right before we send a missile cock into some asshole country's mouth! Alright, now if I-If I need my kids to-to be taught tolerance -Y'know uh, sometimes which is a dirty word in my household, tolerance - But I'll tolerate them fighting. Okay? That is what I'll tolerate. I don't need them uh, to learn about life... From, from, from puppets! Okay? You don't learn anything from anybody that likes having a hand put up their ass. Alright, the only puppet I like is the president.

CALLER #3: I-I have a great idea and I will try it at home and at work as I have four wonderful, darling babies.

RICHARD BASTION: A-Four babies! Y'hear that, America? Another of Bastion's Buddies making little soldiers to fight this culure war. That's great!

CALLER #3: My babies are... Cats.

RICHARD BASTION:  Uh, wait, cats?

CALLER #3: I have named them after patriarchal influences, I am drawing my inspiration from my kitties!

RICHARD BASTION: Okay, nobody-nobody wants to hear about your stupid, useless pussies. God. Ah, y'know what has happened to radio, to this city, to-to this world?! I, y'know, I cannot wait to be judged. 'Cos I'm gonna be okay. I already know that, I know that because I have secrets that I keep within me, okay? And if you keep 'em bottled inside of ya, then you get to release 'em in heaven. 'Cos right now on this Earth, my secrets are the only thing that keep me on heaven's path. Now most of you are, are, you-a lot of you are screwed! And righfully so, okay? We've got into, into the "PC" mode of like, (mock voice) "Oh hey, we're all the same, we're all equal, maaaan! Hey, women can do anything men can do! Y'know, even have adam's apples!" Yeah, y'know right? Yeah. Sure. BS, okay? I don't shop uncontrollably, okay? If I bleed for 7 days, I die! Okay? Y'know, I can drive a car for more than thirty minutes without hitting something, okay? Now that's the difference. Next caller.

CALLER #4: First of all, I'd just like to say I love the show. Y'know it's, it's great, you're doin' a good job for this city!

RICHARD BASTION: Thank you. Thank you, I agree completely, get to the point.

CALLER #4: Where the hell do these "ie-beral facsits get off trying to censor pornography?!

RICHARD BASTION: Okay. Now, now, okay. Now listen. Put your head up to radio so I can vibrate some sense into that thick head of yours. We need to know who is reading and watching what in order to keep the terrorists out and protect our mo-our morality! That's all that's going on! I mean, mood altering candels lead to heavy petting. Okay? Don't pet me! I-I don't wanna be pet! Alright? I-I'm not a cat! Alright? Now y'know what I, y'know what I say? We're not even supposed to be having sex! I- No! Keep it outta my butt! Alright? With the nonsense o-o-on TV in this country like uh, y'know like that liberal Jeremy St. Ives, filling womens' heads with all these irrational expectations about masculinity, y'know we're, we're all gonna be in trouble. Lis- y'know here, listen, my wife has never had one of those uh, so called female orgasms, and she is very, very h-VERY happy. Y'know, she works out a couple times a day with her trainer, uh a-a-and she's getting very,very good at tennis. Okay now we have our faith! That's where our orgasms come from. That's where we get off, from prayin'. Alright? This life is meant to be shit, so that the next one is good. You gotta have your valleys to appreciate the peaks. It's, y'know it's like an orgy with virgins. Y'know, I mean it sounds like a good idea, then you get in their and you're kind like, no, don't put that tha-, anyway, you get my point. Y'know, I'm a man who believes in the American dream. I r-, I-I really do. And that dream is: I'm in charge, and if you don't like what Im saying, then I'm gonna make a wise-crack, a-and drop a bomb on ya! That's it, that, for me, is the i-i-s the American dream, okay? And then maybe get a-a-a country artist to sing a song about it then have me walkin' 'round in slow motion. Th-Thats the fully realised dream, y'know then you could maybe make a movie about me doing that or we could do action figurines and then, myself making a movie about blowing the shit out of you while I make a wise-crack y-I mean, the idea-the dream is endless. Truly. And that's-the beauty of America is that I'm allowed to dream! That's the dream! Don't complain to me that y-that you come over here, and that all you get are the janitor jobs, okay? Don't complain to me about that. Just, just pick up my shit, and walk outta the room. Don't stand in here awkwardly. Don't try to make eye-contact with me, okay? Do-Do-don't talk, don't ask about the pictures of my kids, okay? America, d-we don't wanna pick up our trash. Okay, we don't wanna do that, a-and we don't wanna sweat. Alright, now we'll be right, we'll be right here in the air conditioning, watching the news, and stewing over people like you, who-who are trying to break into our houses and tr- and trust me... You come into my house, buddy, y'know there's gonna be a-a-a, you're gonna be in a-a, in store for a-a little double-barrele surprise, okay? I will take you, and I will shoot a hole in you. And then I will tortue you and your family. For. Freedom. That's about all the time we have, remember Bastion Buddies, we are right! We'll see you next time, on the Richard Bastion show.