So Long Schlong

So Long Schlong is a mission in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories given by Reni Wassulmaier to protagonist, Victor Vance.

Mission
Reni is about to get her fourth sex change but Diego Mendez is unhappy that she introduced Victor to Ricardo Diaz, saying it was disloyal. Actually Diego and Reni used to be an item as mentioned by her during the cutscene. Mendez's goons are about to arrive in the InterGlobal Films course to kill her but she decides to drive and find a way to the hospital while Victor takes care of the Mendez's goons at the InterGlobal course. When around twenty of the Mendez's goons are killed, Reni messages Victor via pager informing him about having been caught somewhere near The Malibu Club in Vice Point. Victor then gets in a car and drives over to the place and helps Reni clear out all the attacking enemies. The duo then escape in another car while being attacked by drive-by's of the Mendez's goons. Victor then luckily ends up taking Reni to the hospital without any harm from the Mendez's goons.

Script
(Reni, Victor inside the InterGlobal course.)

Reni: Farewell, faithful friend. The phoenix must burn first before she rises... Such is life...

Victor: Reni, hey, what's wrong?

Reni: Darling, he wants me dead!

Victor: Who?

Reni: Diego Mendez, that's who.

Victor: Why?

Reni: Because I put you in contact with Ricardo Diaz; said it was disloyal of me. Not as disloyal as him two-timing me with that tramp.

Victor: Whoa, wait, you guys were an item?

Reni: Yes, but I could not deal with him. He talked too much. Beat me, Reni. Spank me, Reni. Blow coke up my ass, Reni. It was too goddamn much.

Victor: Diego Mendez? Jeez...

Reni: So now I must go to Dr. Horowitz. He's a genius. Tomorrow, new Reni!

Victor: You're not having another sex change?

Reni: I only have three. Oh, please, darling, save me!

(Reni and Victor outside the InterGlobal studio.)

Reni: Diego's men will be here any second. I just know it.

Victor: I'll hold them up. You'll have to find your own way to the hospital.

Reni: Find my own way? But darling, I always have.

(Victor kills the Mendez's goons as well as receiving a message from Reni.)

Reni (on pager): They've found me! Help me darling! I'm near the Malibu...

(Victor arrives at the spot.)

Mendez goon: You're gonna die, you freak of nature!

Reni: Freak? I'm an artist. I'm sensitive... And I'm going to kill all of you fucking filthy fuckers! Vic, save me!

(The goons are dead, Victor and Reni run to a car.)

Reni: This gun makes me feel so masculine. Make love to me, Vic.

Victor: Let's just get to the hospital.

Reni: Then you will make love to me, no?

Victor: No.

Reni: All this macho bullshit. I'll be glad when I'm a woman.

Victor: Keep your head down!

Reni: In your lap, darling?

Victor: On second thoughts, keep shooting.

(Victor and Reni reach the hospital.)

Reni: Ooh... All that shooting. I'm so turned on, Dr. Horowitz is going to need a chainsaw to cut through this wood.

Victor: Man, I do not want to know.

Reward
The reward for completing this mission is $1,000.

Extra Links

 * So Long Schlong mission on YouTube by GTAmissions - PlayStation 2 version.