The Richard Bastion Show/Script

ANNOUNCER: The #1 conservative talk show in America. He's America's anchorman. The conservative captain of the Good Ship Freedom isn't free, proving we can shout down and dissenting voices. It's the Richard Bastion Show.

MAN #1: I'd say more and more people need to stop breastfeeding in public.

RICHARD BASTION: Absolutely! Breasts are filthy, cover 'em up, okay, don't make me pull out my boot knife and give you a masectomy.

MAN #2: America is too concerned with birth control! We need to be making babies, we need to catch up with the Chinese.

RICHARD BASTION: I'm with ya. Y'know, we've gotta monitor people's email. We gotta outlaw all the wrong religions, okay? Cause that way we can finally be free in this country.

MAN #3: This is it. Continued precipitation in America. It's not okay for men to be hugging each other and crying and talking about their feelings.

RICHARD BASTION: You know what? I disagree. I say feel, but feel with your fists, alright? Right there, the hammers that God gave you on the end of your arms, okay, you with me Bastion's Buddies?

(Applause from a studio audience)

ANNOUNCER: And now, here's the man himself, Richard Bastion!

RICHARD BASTION: Alright, thanks for joining me Bastion's Buddies here, and on 1400 radio stations worldwide. Welcome to the show. Now today we're talking about family values on the program, and I'll tell you right now, I'm married to two women. My wife, my lovely, lovely wife, with her beautiful hair and pretty face. The second person I'm married to, America. Now, here's my thing, I won't go down south on either. Why? Because it does not help with populating this great country with real Americans. It's about pleasure, not procreation, and that is pointless! Okay, now if you can't alliterate a real idea, it's too complicated and I will not blind you with science. Now, now I know why bigemy is illegal in most states. I-i-i-it's, you know, it's tough, it's tough serving two women. In my line of work, you need to be able to sing the National Anthem, or a uhhhhh, spiritual showtune with equal amounts of enthusiasm. But remember, I ain't just whistlin' Dixie, cause nobody, nobody likes a whistler, or a whistle-blower. You know, it's like, ahhh, when you see, when you see two people kiss in public, especially ugly people. Good lord, keep it to yourself, folks, okay? Put the tongues back in their bags, I don't wanna see it. You know, you keep traditional values. Traditons. There are the-- there aren't too many of them around anymore, so we better fight for the few we got left. Alright, lemme tell ya, I love my country. I would love to tongue kiss the Statue of Happiness. You know, just reach my hand underneath that big smock she's wearing and give her a nice freedom squeeze. Let's go to the phones, you're through to me, Richard Bastion.