Eugene White

Eugene White is a journalist for the Weazel News in Grand Theft Auto IV. He writes many articles for Weazel News' website, www.weazelnews.com.

Dirty Bomb Threat
Could detonate at any moment

"Anti-terrorism police battled angry residents and public opinion as they shut bridges and tunnels in an effort to protect freedom and democracy after an Internet rumor blog warned of an impending dirty bomb attack in Liberty City. Civil liberties groups, upset since the recent repeal of the Fourth Amendment was deemed necessary to save the country, decried the closures as an overreaction. But who will be laughing when a cheap nuke goes off and residents are radioactive for 10,000 years? This is not a joke or a tofu love-in. This is a war. It is a war we can win if we take precautions, overreact, bomb innocents overseas and protect the homeland. That's what America is about and, if you don't like it, leave. Please. No, just go. Out."

Crime Up, Foreigners to Blame. Again
No surprises in new report

"Only the terminally unobservant have failed to notice the remarkable rise in violent crime in Liberty City over the past few weeks and months. And only weak-minded liberals are afraid to discuss the causes of this crime wave - immigration. As usual, the liberal elite are banging on about the causes of crime - our right to bear arms, not immigration. Anyone with half a brain knows gun control should be relaxed in this city immediately so people can defend themselves from the border jumpers. Most criminals are foreigners and vice versa. And the sooner we all acknowledge this, the sooner we can be safe in our city, and focus on what matters, like telling foreigners how to run their countries and fighting abstract concepts."

How Could This Bee?
Foul mouthed kids ruin family entertainment

"We've all covertly mouthed something to someone, such as "Let's get out of here," or "I'm going to kill you," or "Hurry, before my husband gets back." But lip reading isn't just important for communicating quests for infidelity. It is a fundamental part of the academic process, and this year it was being celebrated at the inaugural Lip Reading Bee. Unfortunately, what should have been an afternoon of wholesome family entertainment, ended in scandal and therapy. Parents and organizers were horrified at what is being called the "C word event" after an angry student took out frustrations on the judges whom he also called pedophiles. We at Weazel News say fair enough. In England they call each other the C word all the time. Here it is somehow held in high esteem as the argument ender - the word that is at the point of no return and makes her leave you for good. No word on if the Lip Reading Bee will continue."

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