Jockcranley.com

jockcranley.com is the website for San Andreas gubernatorial candidate, Jock Cranley, in Grand Theft Auto V.

My name is Jock Cranley
If you're over the age of 40, you probably remember me from the hit 1980s television show " Stunt Double " where my character performed amazing stunts while solving crimes that always happened inexplicably near the movie set in the show.

''I died for a living on TV. It was a life of leading ladies and danger. But now my leading lady is lady liberty, the danger is what liberals are doing to this country, and I want to be your Governor.''

Who do you trust to lead the state in the right direction?
''A stuffed shirt with years of study and training behind him and an understanding of civics, or a man who has jumped out of a flaming car careening over a cliff onto a hang glider? I thought so.''

San Andreas has been to hell and back. I have too.
I used to spend my Sunday mornings finishing off the cocaine from Saturday night.

- Now I go to church.

I used to attend group sex parties.

- Now I believe masturbation is adultery.

I used to smoke on television, and exploit my fame and personal wealth to lure college students to hotel rooms.

- Now I use my acting skills in politics.

Our great nation has been sold down the river.
And yes, that's a deliberate allusion to slavery, because that's what we've become: slaves to taxation, regulation, and over-spending.

''It reminds me of an episode of Stunt Double that we shot in a theme park where I fought a couple of professional wrestlers-turned-counterfeiters on the log flume. San Andreas is now a majority minority state.''

As governor, I promise to fight for every citizen of San Andreas, and to fight particularly hard for the underdog - the white god fearing heterosexual that this country now hates.
Jock Cranley is...

pro Constitution

Apart from the separation of church and state bit.

pro family values

Now I believe masturbation is adultery.

pro life

Now I use my acting skills in politics.

pro freedom of speech

So long as you're not talking shit about America.

Jock Cranley also refers to himself in the third person a lot.

Patriot Test
The patriot test is to determine if you are a true patriot or not in 8 questions.

1.How do you spend the 4th of July? 2.You see a Indian man with a backpack sweating on the bus. Do you... 3.What should be the most important subject in the school curriculum? 4.When you see an image of dead polar bear on a melted ice cap, it... 5.How do you view the War on Terror? 6.You see two men holding hands in the park. Do you... 7.What is your favorite sport? 8.You discover that a man living on your street is an illegal immigrant.
 * A.Reading the US constitution and chanting U.S.A. while giving an immigrant the finger.
 * B.Barbecuing and getting wasted with well connected, blue-blood friends.
 * C.Taking a dump on the American flag by watching the lame-stream media.
 * A.Tackle him to the ground screaming "Red scare! Injin alert!" even though he comes from Delhi?
 * B.Wonder aloud how you failed so miserably in life to take the bus.
 * C.Hug him and offer him your seat.
 * A.Teaching the controversy of how monkeys aren't our cousins.
 * B.English (American, not British which we all know sounds fruity).
 * C.Composting your own feces/Organic gardening.
 * A.Reminds you to change the channel to Weazel News and renew your hunting license.
 * B.Reminds you to recycle and volunteer at homeless shelters.
 * C.Reminds you to go and car bomb an oil company executive.
 * A.A gift of democracy to the uncivilized world in exchange for oil we badly need.
 * B.A complex situation with no easy solution.
 * C.A power grab by greedy corporations and the banks.
 * A.Hand them a pamphlet on reversing identity disorders.
 * B.Take a pic for your bleeter with the caption "Yuck!"
 * C.Smile and tell them that their love is an inspiration to us all.
 * A.Hunting endangered animals from dune buggies drunk on Piswasser.
 * B.Tennis/Golf.
 * C.Running, Yoga, Hopscotch.
 * A.Take him down as a preemtive strike to protect your family and freedom.
 * B.Move to a better neighborhood.
 * C.Bake a cake, knock on his door and welcome him to America.

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