Los Santos Freegans

The Los Santos Freegans are an anti-consumerism group that practices dumpster diving and urban foraging in Grand Theft Auto V. Its in-game website is www.lossantosfreegans.com.

Home Page
''Americans throw out 500 billion tons of edible food each day. We plan on eating it!''

''Next time you wake up to the clatter of trashcan lids and angrily fire a blind warning shot into the darkness, be aware that you might hit more than a raccoon. Because there's a new breed of urban scavenger terrorizing the night. White, red-eyed, matted long hair... the Freegan.''

''We're the Los Santos Freegans. We're on a crusade to not participate in a consumerist, profit-driven economy (except for buying booze). We don't keep up with the Joneses. We eat the Joneses' trash. We're reducing landfill one mouthful at a time and saving the planet from people like you.''

''Dumpster diving used to be a last resort for the desperate and destitute. For us, it's a lifestyle choice and political statement. We don't need to live on garbage. We're college graduates from good middle class families. No, we're non-productive members of society by choice. Even the homeless hate us.''

''By drinking curdled milk and making moldy casseroles, our mission is to strike a blow against capitalism by plundering the stuff that capitalists throw away. We lot food from from supermarket dumpsters then organize protests outside those supermarkets for wasting food. We oppose social injustice by foraging the food homeless people used to survive on and serving it at bohemian dinner parties in artists' lofts. In short, we despise the system that creates the food we rob, so we buck it by living outside it, yet within it. It's confusing, we're too stoned to deal with it right now, and this stolen wifi connection is like 1990s slow. Suffice to say, our ideology isn't perfect, and neither are we, but it feels enough like radical environmentalism to tide us over until we come up with something less pointless.''

SHOPPING AT THE GROSSERY STORE

''Why crash diet when we can trash diet? Imagine if your food bill was zero - you'd have a lot more money for drugs, beer and cigarettes, believe you me. Why work when you can pilfer everything you need from the people who do work? It's like choosing to give up buying cigarettes, rather than giving up cigarettes. It's a cause that everyone can respect.''

''You can find everything you need to survive in a garbage can. Flea-infested clothes, bedbug-ridden furniture, credit cards and, most of all, perfectly good food... if you ignore the fact that it's been sitting unrefrigerated in cockroaches and toxic bacterial sludge. There's nothing more exhilarating than rooting through a dumpster in the middle of the night, knowing at any moment a major artery could get sliced by a shard of broken glass or punctured by a diseased hypodermic needle. The explosion of spores as you pluck a half-eaten tomato out of a diaper... The explosion of diarrhea later that night as the pathogens devastate your lower intestine... That's how you save the world and strengthen your immune system at the same time.''

Some Questions From Materialism Drones Answered

 * Aren't you stealing food out of the mouths of the homeless?

''No. Bums don't know how to cook. Bums prefer chicken nuggets and burgers with cigarettes stubbed out in them.''


 * If you're so against private healthcare, what happens when you get sick?

''Dumpster food is covered in penicillin and dysentery is nature's detox. Rich people spend a fortune on purging diets and cleanses. When you join the Freegan movement you'll be shooting toxins out of every orifice."''


 * Aren't you worried about contamination? Isn't eating expired food dangerous?

''Food doesn't "expire". What a load of nonsense. Think about blue cheese. Americans lived for thousands of years without refrigerators. Expiration dates are just another method of mind control by the capitalist hegemony. Don't be a slave to the culture of fear. Live a little. Roll the gastric dice. Our motto is "No mold, you're gold. A little mold, scrape it off."''

Featured Recipe
CREAMED SQUIRREL & E-CAULIFLOWER DIP

''An appetizer guaranteed to put the composting toilet through its paces at the next eco-anarchism round table. You can't go wrong with this. Actually you can, but if you get sick it's not like you have a job to go to.''

Ingredients:


 * 1 x Road kill Squirrel
 * 1 x Cauliflower with edges turning back
 * 1 x Onion - mushy to the touch
 * 1 x Bag of mulched salad - dripping wet preferably
 * 16 fl oz Spoiled Milk

Preparation:

Serves a house of squatters.
 * 01. Get a tetanus shot.
 * 02. Write a will.
 * 03. Boil the squirrel in a bowl of hand sanitizer (steal this from public toilets).
 * 04. Get high for a few hours.
 * 05. Add the vegetables and simmer for another 30 minutes.
 * 06. Drain the mixture through a woolen hat.
 * 07. Pour in enough milk to cover (the chunkier the better).
 * 08. Add a dash of love and a sprinkling of self-righteousness.
 * 09. Mash everything together with a stick.
 * 10. Allow to set in direct sunlight.

More recipes coming soon!
 * Bread & Gutter Pudding
 * Prime Dump Steak
 * Spicy Salmonella Maki Rolls